Useless Column: ‘Rossia rescue team to Terky?’


The irony of this world is that doctors advise us to eat more plants for healthy living than animal products because of high cholesterol. Agreed! However, I have come to realise that both the lion and the horse eat different balanced diets. The lion eats meat which contains fat but it is the boss of the forest. The horse runs faster but lives on grass which has no fat but who says the horse does not contain fat?

Like joke like joke, as I said last week, February is still copying January. Next week is February and even the week after is still February. Hehehehehe! You want to copy Senior January? Show some respect o, February!

According to one of the brainiest guys I know, Dr Rafiq Daudi of Metropolitan Ghana, “pepper is hot not because it was just taken from fire for one to eat but because it doesn’t often meet our expectations after chewing it”. Even pepper directly taken from the fridge may look fresh and like a fruit but go and chew it and nobody will tell you what makes it hot. The colour of akpeteshie (local gin) on my mind; plain transparent in a bottle but take a little sip and see whether you won’t start walking on your head saying things that you wouldn’t have been saying ‘by heart’. Things are not what they appear to be o, Salif! Everyone has a battle he or she is fighting no matter how much better the circumstances may seem to be.

Last Tuesday, I wanted to do bad in the evening. I was wondering who to call. Surprisingly, anyone that I called would say she has a church programme in the evening. I was getting frustrated. Then I decided to check the availability of rooms in some notable guest houses. You sabi those guest houses that serve a duration of only two hours after which they come to knock at your day to tell you: ‘Chairman, time up o; there are others waiting’. To my surprise again, all the guest houses were booked, fully. So I asked myself whether the guest houses have been converted into churches on February 14. Indeed, Sin fascinates and assassinates.

Welcome to the ‘Useless Column’ where everything you read is turned upside down and in no particular order! Hahaaaa!

When green plantain ripens, its name changes. I have two male dogs in my house er: Shagi and Risky. These dogs were very calm when they were puppies but have become very wild now that they are old. They are able to paw their way through house gate and go out to chase ‘girls’, I mean female dogs. They don’t even use protection o. In fact, I fear they may get HIV soon. They like different different ‘girls’, you get it?

Nowadays their girls come to my house to have fun with them. Recently I noticed that anytime the owners of these ‘guest dogs’ are passing in front of my gate, my dogs would be backing in a very funny tone to scare them off. This keeps happening till last Tuesday when a neighbor came to me to complain that she thinks one of my dogs has impregnated her dog. I’m not surprised but how would I know if it is my dogs that are responsible for such pregnancy, I quizzed. She was like, her female dog always comes to sleep in my compound hence her prime suspect being my dogs. In fact, her problem is that her food is not sufficient to take care of additional dogs. ‘Weytin concern dog with family planning?’, I asked her. She got angry and left. Me too I left while telling her as for my dogs, let your dog born first and when we go for DNA test, then we can establish that indeed my dogs are responsible. Like I have said before, I wonder why you would choose to name your dog ‘Tiger’ if you can actually get the real tiger if that is what you really want. That is the reason I named my new dogs Shagi and Risky and now see what they are doing to me. So there are many ‘fatherless puppies’ in my neighbourhood and my dogs are the prime suspects and seemed to have shirked their unknown responsibilities.

It’s sad some irresponsible human beings are like that and borning by heart without taking care of the fruits of their eyi but they have become more careful nowadays. If you are a man, be going round and be borning by heart!

As I am typing this, a message just appeared on my phone from Mr Agyemang, my neighbour and it reads: ‘Mr Mawuli, please warn your dogs o, yoo’! The amazing thing about my dogs is that anytime they see me on the phone on the verandah and I am smiling, you would see them also smiling. Could it be a case that they are learning from their master? Hahaaaiiii! Truth be told, have you ever seen a dog smiling if not a cartoon? Ohhhh d3bida!

‘Krekete soya…krekete soya…my friend little drum…krekete soya’. Ooohhhh those days in Class 5 at Anunmle 3 Primary School. I am not feeling well today oo, and so is my laptop; all I will write will have nothing to do with Valentine’s Day!

It’s another weekend and the good news is that no one has invited me for a funeral or wedding this weekend. I am happy papa. Every weekend, funeral, wedding, why? Ah! Surprisingly so many things are said about marriages yet…every Saturday, ponnnnng piiinnng! ponnnnng piiinnng. Some people are wicked o, in spite of all that is happening they still want to be enjoying.

There is always a difference between a small rat and a big mouse! A salvvation army Brigadier-General is certainly different from a Burrma Camp one. So those of you lady friends of mine who used to fake orgasm, beware; times have changed. If found out that you were faking it er…hahahahahahaha! The way I am happy that laws are working er. Many people who used to post and forward anything anyhow without verifying are scared nowadays. They have seen a coconut tree crying, they would forward the video. They have seen a monkey laying eggs, they would forward. They have seen cockroach buying boflot, they would forward. They are seen flying all kinds of factual untruths and get away with it. How can a motivational speaker say he started his poultry farm with only the feather of a hen and today he is a rich man making the young ones feel they are failures and so device all kinds of means to become rich overnight. Even some motivational speakers have gone quiet…saadziwa! Ghana sweet roff! You can’t be sad here! No matter how hard a situation, we would still find an un-offensive way of making light of it. What an unncecessary asset! Hahahahaa!

A married friend recently told me he was having issues with his wife and when I asked him to give me one person he knows who is ‘genuinely’ happy in his marriage, he said he knows a lot of people are happy for example, me, Mawuli. I laughed saaaaa just to prove to him that his observation is ‘correct’. Hahahahaha. I asked him to come and set his own CCTV in my house; we are all managing o. Nowhere cool. If you leave your partner not as a result of abuses, then you have worried him or her and yourself! No be so? Marriage hard. The men must be foolish to have a successful marriage and the women must be stupid. Marriage hardly tell us these ones. Our forebears understood the dynamics. Talk to Adam and Eve and see; they would tell you they managed and never separated. The men say the women are the problem; the women say we, the men are the problem. So who is actually the problem? I think men are a real headache o, hahaaa! I am talking about myself. My wife is doing well o. clap for that woman! I give her a lot of problems but she is just managing me like that. How for do! Those days that I used to live in a single room with a zingli roof, anytime I want to do the ‘thing’ with my wife, I prefer it when it’s raining. While in the act, that is when you feel people are clapping for you giving you fans! Hahahahahaha! Marriage is sweet in times like this in a house with zingli roof!

This is hard to do but as the Scripture says, remember to make peace with everyone before you sleep because you may never know. This came to my mind because of the dream I had last night that rossians have sent a rescue team to terky. I woke up and screamed: Jesus!

God be our Protector as we keep praying for the missing and those affected by the ‘gbu gbu gbu gbu’!

Bye byeeeeeeeee!

Leave a Reply