Useless Column: So where is she now?


Oh it still beats my imagination how our wives can go to the market with an average of GHC500 and come back with enough stuff. I wonder how they do it!

You, the man would go to the same market, the same sellers and with the same GHC500 and come back with less than half of the stuff your wife has bought with that same amount from the same seller. For those of us ‘chisel’ men who put our signatures on the surface of corn dough before leaving for work, please stop o. Don’t be like my great grand uncle of my native cat meat land who would prefer to call ‘Adabraka’ ‘Dabraka and call ‘Takoradi’ ‘Atakoradi. You see me and my people! Where there is an ‘A’, we would take it off and give it to one that doesn’t have it! Generous people, aren’t we! Yes, from Dabraka to Atakoradi! Matter close!

Ohhh now back to the men who go shopping for tomatoes. I do that occasionally if I want to give my wife a ‘treat’; not because I am chisel like OTK’s Uncle who would also scribble his signature on corn dough to ensure that his wife wouldn’t tamper with it. When she does, the ‘pilfering’ could easily be detected and that could result in a fight!

I only wonder if there is any useful stuff ahead of this ‘useless’ article. Auntie ‘Doctor Fish’ my ‘customer’ at the Lapaz new market always sold tomatoes to me and would create the impression she was giving me a good deal but in actual fact was cashing in on me. These market women, some of them are rich oo! She sells only tomatoes but has a BMW saloon car and a trotro bus with aboboya to make money! That is the reason I normally don’t agree completely with the description of market women as poor! Noooo!  The fact that they are people who don’t have access to a well-structured form of income generation does not mean they are poor; at least they are alive, thanks be to God. They have money papa. When you see Auntie Doctor Fish’s mansion at Omanjor, you go bow!

Last Friday, I was with my mechanic and Auntie drove her BMW there with some ‘small problem’. Yes that was the day I realized that however smart some of these market women can be, it is only auto mechanics who fleece them and do so well well. Small problem and the mechanic multiplied the cost by about 5 times what he would have charged me, a man! At this point, I was expecting her to ask for a bargain. She did not; she rather quickly doled out the money and was more interested in when the vehicle would be ready for her to pick up.

We had a chit chat and I offered her lift to the nearest place from where she could pick a taxi to a saloon at Darkuman.

I came back to the mechanic and asked him why he had to play on the ignorance of the woman for just the piston grip! His answer was preceded with a laughter! Ampey, the mechanic narrated how he has also devised ways to fleece most women who come to his shop with their vehicles. According to him, many market women would always fleece men in the market and the only subtle way of revenge was when they also bring their vehicles for repairs. According to him, 99.99 percent of women hardly ask for reduction in the cost of fixing mechanical problems the same way men would normally not ask for reduction in the prices of tomatoes and other food stuff.

May I suggest to you that next time, send your wife to the market and wives, send your husbands to the mechanic. By so doing, there would be a win-win situation.

Ei, talk of win-win situation reminds me of a lose-lose situation. Have you ever heard of anybody buying a fake gold watch with counterfeit money? Think about it because for me, that could be a classic example of a lose-lose situation.

Some market women would keep fleecing the stingy men who want to do the shopping by themselves and auto mechanics would keep cheating women who want to be on their own! If you don’t have a partner to help you to the market, send a male neighbour to do that for you or else when you pretend to be dead, mechanics would pretend and bury you! After all, what is the use of a man who cannot drive a faulty car to the workshop! Abeg, bring the car whether moveable or not and a man will get you a good deal!

Abeg, it is Fridayyyy and let’s enjoy some unserious business with this abstract wae! Life is too stressful hence the need to take things easy on ourselves. Laughing or being moody is a choice. I choose to laugh even when an ant enters my trousers and is biting my distin and I am standing in front on my mother-in-law.

That is why I like Adabraka paaa, even the death of a 90-year old person attracts an obituary of “What A Shock”. At Dansoman, regardless of the age, the obituary reads: ‘Gone Too Soon’. ‘Transition’ is for the East Legonites. Oguai folks are quite polite to death; they simply make it ‘Home Call’. For my Uncles at Ashaiman and recently Kasoa, anytime any of them died, they preferred to have an obituary with the title ‘International Call’.

Quite recently I spotted one somewhere and it read ‘At Long Last’. It was the poster of an 86-year old man! Only God knows how long his family had waited to see him ‘gone’! Remember you are only useful when you are alive oo. Many of your siblings may appear to love your children just because you are still alive o.  Extremely helpless when you can no longer move your limbs. If you like, pretend to be gone too soon today. Tomorrow, you would be forgotten. Your best friend is very likely to have another programme on the day of your burial and may not attend your funeral. Love yourself first. From what some of us have come to realise, one’s family is spouse and children! Debateable? Just pretend to be gone too soon and see how your external family would treat your wife and children provided you can still see! It’s amazing these things are still there. Love your children and wife, invest time and resources in them and you would be ‘good to go’ at any time. After all, the likelihood of the man ‘going’ first is higher because we do too many bad things and the wages of doing bad things is…go and read your Bible! Just make sure your immediate family is well placed and prepare your will. You may never know.

Please if you know you are my friend or I have had something to do with you before, don’t read these names coming up. You have no idea how I saved your name on my phone. If only you knew, depending on how your name is stored on my Chianna phone, you’d sever every form of relationship with me. Ahaaan! Wooaaa C, someone is calling me. See, it is ‘Adwoa Kasoa Filling Station’

Ei! am I aging? Nowadays, I pick my phone with the intention to call someone in particular and then I forget who I want to call. Names on my phone and how I saved them er! Ei. John Capi, Osei Mason2, Kerosene seller Trafik Lite, Maabena Camboo, Pastor Food (just because anytime this pastor visited me, he would not go away until he’s served with food. If not, he would keep quoting from one scripture to another on things I know already).

Solja Nurse Emefa, Afrifa Vandamme, Afimami Agbota, Agbo Laundry, Akos Gbintodo Chantan2. Akos Seamstress, Asiedu Electrician, Bed capi, Kofi Bentua Diabitis, Gakogo puuu (this guy likes using the washroom paa; it is his hobby), Guiness Danqwa, Herty popcorn, in-law – Sammy-Akpeteshie, Martin plumber, Korshi tiler, Lawrencia Bubuashie, Aisha Voda 3.

Electrical parts thief (he always buys inferior wires at high prices), Rita pedicure, Okoe Pantalon. Ampadu Iron rods, Coach Alontey, Nii Kwei Teshie Tsui Bl3oo, ‘Adwoa Central cafeteria small forehead’,

Go through your phone if you don’t have a similar way of naming friends and people in your life for easy identification. If not then, you must have an exceptionally sharp memory. No be so? Hahahahaha!

Greetings to you, Corn-mill Tozo, Mamud hand-cup, Mechanic Seduji, Security Glass Gbetey, SCC TV Repairer, Spintex Noise Maker (he used to be my neighbour)! The interesting fact is that they don’t even know who they are! Hahahahaha!

So where is she now? I mean the tomato seller that I used to buy from and she used to cash in on me saaaa! I am still looking for her because I want to send my wife to buy from her. Hahaaaaa!

Why not skip tomorrow’s funeral and rest, Kofi? Or your pressure is not precious enough? Whether you go to the funeral or not, it won’t change anything! Resting is medicine; if you like don’t take it; your health will soon prove to you why you should. Bye byeeeeeeeeeee!

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