Useless Column: ‘Alhaji cannot eat’


The fact that the male lion is lazier than the female (lioness) should not make you think that you can walk by ‘hat’ around where the male lion is loitering.

Monkey smart monkey smart….it is because of the fact that tree branches are near each other. If you like jump from one tree to the other that does not exist.

Happy weekend and please never try to change your wife or change your husband; it won’t work. Just manage each other. The fact that they say change is the only constant thing in life applies only in aging in marriage. But for character borne mostly out of upbringing? Forgerit!

Why is it that Medical Doctors in Ghana like Mersides Berns cars like that? I have been thinking about this issue for a long time and still cannot find an answer. Can someone please explain this to me in Asante in less than two paragraphs? It looks to me as if 8 out of every 10 doctors use this type of car. Sometimes I wonder if Mersides Berns cars have operating theatres in them. Creating another problem for myself oo, yeeeei! Mama Benz, I beg, na joke I dey joke o; don’t let my engine oil get finished! Hahahahahaha.

It’s Fridayyyy and it’s about time we put on some unserious talks that brings man noting but medicine to the soul. Problem no dey finish! I tried to exercise with my treadmill and for 3 months, no improvement in my stomach going down. The day it started going down small small, my prepaid was running waawaawaa! I solved stomach problem small and it was not for free. I used electricity to power the treadmill; prepaid has to be sacrificed. No be so? Don’t dwell on your problems. Dance with them and you would be fine. You are not the first, not the second and certainly not going to be the last to go through problems. You hear? Hahahahahaha!

Doctors suffer a lot oo. They simply don’t have time for themselves. On 25th December some 8 years ago, I sat in my varsity roommate, Dr. Amoah’s car drinking zeeghurt. In fact that day was my birthday. He was telling me about the hell medical doctors go through just to make their patients fine. One of the cardinal responsibilities of a medical doctor, according to my friend, is to ensure that until his or patients sleeps soundly, they cannot sleep. I think this applies to all other professions. Until your client is happy, you have no business being on whatsapp or doing tiktalk.

In the course of the conversation, suddenly he got a call from someone whose problem was that ‘Alhaji is not able to eat well and has asked her to call him, Dr Amoah as to what to do’. And for her, that is a very biiiig problem for her father, Alhaji – inability to eat. This one too be problem that requires urgent medical attention on a Christmas day? Anyway I would have been surprised if Alhaji were to have been rushed to the hospital for the simple fact that he is unable to eat well. Dr asked the lady the extent to which Alhaji cannot eat and according to her, Alhaji ate fufu at 12 o’clock that fateful day and wanted some kenkey to top it up at about 3pm and realized that the pepper was too hot and for that matter ‘Alhaji is unable to eat well’. Oooohhh! Doctors, we salute you oo but that thing that you people have been doing sometimes, please consider ooo, yooo! You for stop oo, yooo!

I hope you are not going to ask me what thing they have been doing sometimes. You know the thing? That their handwriting that only pharmacists can see. I was told that if someone’s handwriting is not clear enough, it is a good sign that he will become a medical doctor in future but I don’t know what happened to my friend Ottey of blessed memory. His handwriting was basaaaa and yet….hmmm! he didn’t become a medical doctor. His closest paddy, Yaovi, on the other hand had a beautiful handwriting and would write nicely but often did not understand what he was writing.

If handwritings could be that deceptive, is it true that women fall in love by what they hear and for that matter men lie to them to get them? Is it also true that men fall in love by what they see making women wear make-ups some of which make some of them look like…like…like…any way! I say some not all, ah!

I can feel wi-fi passing through me now. These radioactive stuff, hmmmm! We would manage technological advancement to the best of our abilities. Nowadays everywhere I pass in town, I feel ‘yiiiiiiiiiiiiii’ inside my body. My Doctor tells me it is radioactive effect of something something ‘fi’. Ei, the disadvantages of technology!

It takes only someone like me to think that I can have all my imported floor tiles from Chhina without having some broken! That is life itself – never smooth! Something bad will by all means happen. Or else what is the use of insurance?

Please hold on let me answer this call before I continue writing. She is one of those gals who would only say hello when it is 27th of every month. The following day, she will follow it up with ‘I am broke oo’. Can you give an excuse on 28th of the month? The worst you can do is to ask her to wait when it’s 30th or 41st oh sorry 31st. I have devised a means of refusing to pick some of these calls between 27-29 but they use unknown numbers. Ok, let me just pick this call and tell her ‘I am in a meeting; I will call you back’. And thereafter I switch the phone off. Haaaba! What crime!

I don’t even feel like writing anything. I am tired. Working from Monday to Friday and not being paid every day, you think it’s easy er? Aaaaah! I see your mind now; you want me to write something so that you and your Secretary would sit somewhere doing konkonsa about me and insulting me in your head er? You lie bad!

And you, what are you doing at work today and annoyingly wearing jeans trousers? You are supposed to be on leave to rest oo. Or you think without you, your organization will collapse? You must be joking. Even Prof Atta Mrik was replaced less than 8 hours after Bra death took him away and Ghana is still Ghana. Don’t deceive yourself and think that you are so indispensable that work would suffer if you are not there. ‘Leave’ means REST! Otherwise your ody will force you to rest when you are about to travel to America o. Haaaaba! Okaaayyyy now I know why you are at work. You want to be like me. I travel all the way from weija just to access Wi-Fi free of charge at work. It takes me two gallons of petrol to do that when I could have just bundled 2 cedis for my internet services and I am fine. Is it not amazing that we want the employer to do everything for us?

Close your eyes and check from your drawer if you have some yoghurt for me to drink.

I have closed.

Happy weekend and no matter how wisely you spend your money, it will still get finished! Don’t think about it; just spend it on booze and girls and you would understand the wisdom in being asked to spend wisely!

Leave a Reply