Useless column: Never teach your Wife

Useless Column: The Fetish Pastor
Mawuli Zogbenu

‘Never try to teach your wife how to drive’! What a bad advice from an elderly man to me on my wedding day! I was a bit confused as I felt he might be wrong but right at the same time because during our courtship, anytime I was driving, she would be sitting at the back seat of the car but would be the first to see a pothole ahead of me and would start screaming ‘Jesus’ Jesus’ ‘Jesus’, please take your time’. What confused me here most was that I didn’t know whether she was referring to me to take my time or referring to Jesus to take His time!

In fact I ignored the advice from the old man and still went ahead to teach my Mother-in-Law’s daughter how to drive. The fights? Eish! She could be driving into a gutter and be asking me whether she should turn or pull the brake! On one occasion I had to tell her to continue into the gutter and she said ‘I was not caring’. I didn’t mind her sef.

There was another day she was driving and when we were about to join the main road at Lapaz, we had to wait close to 20 minutes and we were still there even though her eyes were so focused on the road. I was just watching her expecting her to take a bold decision to join the main road. I didn’t say anything. I lost that patience and asked her: ‘Auntie, won’t you go?’ and her angry response was like: ‘but the cars keep coming; what do you want me to do?’. I kept quiet!

It was then I understood the old man’s advice never to try to teach my wife how to drive; I should have gone to pay fees at a good driving school for her to learn how to drive there so there would be peace.

Don’t take an oldman’s advice for granted o. Most of them have seen it all and laugh at us anytime we appear to be so ‘right’. Often when you seem so right, relax and listen to the old boys and you would notice how wrong you could have been on your initial position on an issue! If you are lucky to meet the very good ones, awwww….you would take life easy! One recently advised me to marry another wife so there would be competition at home so no one person can bluff me. He explained further that polygamy is not about men having more than one wife but it is to ensure that every lady has a husband. I was inspired! You see how good some of them can be? Hahahahaha! As to whether, this suggestion would be upheld or not, please enjoy your Monday holiday wae.

Anyway anytime I am broke, I convert it into fasting! Indeed if you don’t use your head, your body would suffer! I cannot afford to lose two things at a time – the physical food and the spiritual food too.

I only got to know recently that when you are fasting don’t say because it is dry, you don’t have to take water. NO! It is wrong, according to one of the youngest Superintendent Ministers of the Methodist Church, Very Rev. Samuel Glover Asante! A great friend of mine, he is! Indeed, he explained that many people have developed some health complications as a result of this ignorance. Some were men of God. I nearly said ‘the Clergy’ but thankfully I don’t think it would be appropriate to place some of these other ‘ones’ in the category of the Clergy. The Clergy means serious business. ‘Men of God’ is honourable enough for some of the ‘road side mechanics’. They should manage it like that! Very Rev. Glover advised that when fasting whether dry or wet, drink water because it cleans the toxins from your body as well during the period you are fasting and opens up the intestines. Dry fasting without water is dangerous, he advised. This was confirmed by my best friend, another ‘Samuel’, Dr. Samuel Kwame Amoah, Chief Executive Officer of HealthStar. He advised that dry fasting without water can be injurious to your health especially if for long periods exceeding 6 hours. Be advised o, Yevu. I don’t know what you want from God that you want to ‘kill’ yourself before you get it!

All my friends who are called Samuel are good paa oo. Dr. Samuel Amoah, Very Rev. Samuel Glover, Samuel Eshun, Samuel Tindanbil, Samuel Obeng, etc are just good. I don’t have any Samuel friend who is bad. If you are a ‘Samuel’ and you are bad, abeg, change your name to ‘Mawuli’! Hahahahaha!

For various religious or rather spiritual purposes, we fast and pray. My first fasting experience was in 2002 when I was crazily looking for a job in a company that didn’t exist – a company that would pay me twenty million cedis (old Ghana cedis in 2002). Plentey money! What a dream! The average young corporate manager at the time was earning something in the region of two million cedis and five million cedis. Not only did the dreams tell me I would earn that huge amount of money o but also added that I would be given a car and a bonglo!

Ahaaan! How many of us knew that Nelson Mandela was a lawyer? I bet, you didn’t know this one. Meboa?

Okay, back to this profitless stuff. I wanted the job instantly so didn’t even consider a half day but full day 6am-6pm intensive fasting – dry! I was not used to it and still not and won’t try again. What kind of crime have I committed!

When I started, by 11am, I started ‘seeing diamonds’. At that point, I was tempted to eat something but ‘the devil is a liar!’, I consoled myself. I persisted without food and started feeling very light! Wey can matter koraa be this! ‘Ah well, maybe God is working’, I consoled myself again especially when it was 2.30pm without food and I started shivering. The clock became a close friend. When would it hit 6pm! I tried to pray but could hardly hear myself pray– no energy!

I stopped thinking! I went to get a ball of kenkey at 4pm in wait of 6pm to strike. The tendency to break the fast was up in the roof! “Eat, eat, eat”, the devil tried but I resisted.

I had to keep vigil over the kenkey when it was 5.40pm. Though close, 6pm looked farrrrrr awaayyyyy, like 10 years. Ei! Is this what they call FASTING?

It’s 10minutes to 6pm and I couldn’t wait to see 6pm strike. At that point I realized I was losing my sight. I was keeping very vigilant so I could pounce on my kenkey and ademe soup as soon as 6pm struck.

While seconds inched closer to 6pm, I couldn’t anymore. I descended on the food and ate it virtually with both hands.

The following day, I was rushed to the hospital for stomach upset. What did I do wrong?, I soliloquized.

I narrated my ‘ordeal’ to the doctor who further annoyed me with the fact that I should continue fasting and that it was good. Me? Fasting again? Lailai!

But there was a miracle. I was called for a job interview a week after the fasting. The venue was GICEL Estates, Weija. As part of the interview, I was to go round to see if I could sell 20 spoons in 2 hours. I did that in less than an hour since there were some restaurants in the area. I had passed the interview. I was to report the following day to my new branch office near Bawjiase. That was the end of my career with them. What happened to my car and bonglo dream? Selling spoons may naturally not get me these dreams! Take your job. I declined the offer. Need I fast again? I quickly discarded this ‘negative’ thought. In fact, my first fasting fell on the wrong keys. Kai!

Ei talking about spoons, I was in one of the finest cities in Ghana last week and slept in one of the finest hotels in town. Before I checked in, I simply asked the hotel attendant “please can I use your WASHROOM’? to which she responded “mepaw ky3o, y3nsi nniama woaha”. To wit “please we don’t wash clothing here”. Please whoever decided not to call toilet, toilet but a ‘washroom’ is not helping some people at all oo. Yooo! Annoyingly, my late father used to call it “private”! Ah!

Please since you have read this for free, you can now lock your drawer, tell your boss you are going to the bank and come. Go and don’t return. Just ‘balance’. After all, today is Friday and Monday is a holiday. Report to work on Tuesday for a query. Simple!

Kofi, have a great weekend and remember not to go to a lady you are interested in by asking questions such as: ‘do you have any problems I can help you with, baby?’ God be with you!

Leave a Reply