Useless Column: Kasoa Missing items


Those men who have been sinning with their distins nu, please be careful o. Remember sin fascinates and assassinates.

Now that our wives have gotten to know where we keep condoms in our cars usually under the spare tyre compartment of our cars, men have stopped keeping left over condoms in any part of their cars. If there is any left over, they dispose of it.

When the time comes for a new escapade, they buy new ones and if by His grace some is left they throw it away or leave them in the dustbin of the guest rooms. I recently made use of one unused one bi like that. Somebody left his.

The ones I bought on my own burst and I needed support and lo and behold, I found one unused one in the bathroom. At least it was better than improvising with polythene bag.

My observation lies in the fact that nowadays when I am walking past guest houses, I see fresh unused condoms all around. Sometimes one. At other times two unused ones. I can conjecture that the two unused ones I see are those belonging to men whose energy levels are coming down. After one round p3, they can’t go again.

For those who throw away one condom, you can be sure they are fairly the ones whose energy levels are relatively better. Those who use all three pieces are likely to be in their late 20s or under 35 years of age or unemployed. Where condoms or traits of used ones are not seen at all, you can be sure those are the breeding grounds for cases of possible transmission of HIV and unwanted pregnancies. Be careful!

Men, please go back and hide the left overs inside the car. I have discovered another part of the car where your wives won’t see anything when you give your cars to them to drive. I will tell you later. In case you want to be caught though, keep them on top of the mirror at the passenger front side. That will be your problem. Should I tell you where else? Next week wae.Your ears sweet you. Hahahahahaha!

I hope you recently heard about the genital shrinking hoax at Kasoa. Hmmm! In 1997, the scare mongers started. Everyone was scared. They say if someone touches you, the thing hanging between your thighs will disappear. Men became extra careful. We avoided shaking of hands than we did for Covid. The ladies were also worried though I was relatively young at the time to understand why they were also worried and scared in solidarity with the men. I later understood why it was so at a later age.

I remember sitting at the back seat of a taxi from Commonwealth Hall down towards the Legon main gate. In front of Legon Hall were about four persons waiting to join a commercial vehicle. Those days the trotros and taxis from the Achimota and GIMPA direction used the fronts of Legon Hall, the Balme Library, Legon Bookshop and Akuafo Hall… unlike now. Among the four persons I saw, only one person agreed to join me at the backseat for obvious reasons. No one wanted to sit so close to another just to avoid a touch.

The story became more horrendous when there was news was all over that a certain small boy’s thing got lost and they caught an abotsi as a suspect who was alleged to have touched the boy. The abotsi was asked by the mob to ‘return’ the boy’s ‘thing’ to its original location. Abotsi was said to have complied; thankfully, the boy’s thing was restored alright but it ended up being that of a white man and very thick too! Clearly an expository situation of a mistaken swap of a kind. Interestingly, many people believed the scare.

Another story had it that when a certain man who was not well endowed lost his ‘thing’, luck smiled at him when it was heard, of course, through rumours that there was an ‘identification parade’ of the ‘missing items’ at a location somewhere in Accra. What a fine opportunity for him to choose an ideal one because his was complaining about his rather small this thing! When he went there, instead of being ‘smart’, he was able to identify exactly his own and quickly it was restored to him. His wife was not happy with the decision of the husband going for that same old exact small size because there were many other XXL sizes on display. At least the identification parade provided him a fine opportunity to have swapped with a longer bigger one.

In 1997, the belief I came closest to in respect of such a hoax was when after a man accidentally touched me at Lapaz. With news already making the rounds, I thought something had left me. I wanted to be sure so I wanted a place to wee-wee. You know, that is the first sign that you are in Ghana – we urinate anywhere. The urine was not coming as fast as I wanted. I panicked seriously and the weewee? Hmmm! I was relieved after applying Chinese Robb. This one too, ajeeish!

In fact, a hoax of this nature is a dangerous thing. Men by nature easily lose ‘it’ easily when fear grips us. It is psychological. In my own experience of such a feeling, while at it (please don’t be interested in while at what), I finished the first one preparing for the second round when she said she has found a two-bedroom house with toilet and bath going for only GHC1,800 a month as rent. My thing shrunk instantly. Fear gripped me by the mention of the name ‘rent’.

The 1997 hoax of shrinking male genitals was ended by the fact that KSMM then on Vipe FM came to allay the fears of the public that nobody should be afraid and that the whole thing was a hoax and a lie. That settled the matter largely. That notwithstanding, we heard about an innocent civil servant being lynched just on suspicion that he had come into contact with someone and the thing disappeared. Disappeared to where? So sad! This thing koraaa, what do we need it for apart from urinating?

Just last week, the republic of Kasoa came inside the news again on suspicions of missing genitals again. I knew immediately that it was a complete hoax knowing what had happened in 1997. Fortunately, traditional media didn’t give it attention making it die a natural death.

As for Kasoa, those of you who say things about us, leave us alone o. Nothing is more annoying than a resident of Amasaman also laughing at we Kasoa people. We are far better than those at Amasaman wae. At least there are so many banks in and around Kasoa and there is no single bank at Amasaman, not even ATM machine. Leave us alone o, haters of Kasoa.

Have a nice weekend and remember to wish others well because it will come back to you; I don’t know about what will come back to you when you wish them evil. God be with us all. Amen!

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