Useless Column: Koffi Oduro as OOSP?


Yesterday I was feeling bored and o went to stand by the Independence avenue road side. I started waving at people in a manner that suggests that we know each other paaa. There was this guy who slowed down when the traffic light showed red. I waved at him and he returned it with a lot of vim and even added: ‘Charlie, long tie since we meet o; we for meet this Christmas’. I agreed. I just nodded my head and said I don’t know this man from anywhere. Neihther does he know me from anywhere but since I pretended, he was pretended. Life goes on. Hahaaa! The day is bright…is bright and fair. Oh ha-ha-ha-happy day…happyyyyyy! Hahahaha! It is weekend again and I want to sin. Of course, the conducive environment for sin to thrive is darkness. I will hide and go and do the things my pastors says I should not do (in my own interest).

It’s Fridayyyy and here, we don’t take life too seriously; we have fun and move on. Nothing personal or emotional. Simply nkwas….nkoaaaa! Hahaaaa!

I picked a lady on my motor bike last Sunday. OMG! Pretty, plumpy bombo…bom! God is indeed an architect! With her short skirt as she sat behind me and opened her thighs ‘to fit’ for safe riding, I was just wondering ‘if only my back could see the things her thighs have opened up to me to see. Haven’t you noticed how ladies with short skirts sit on motor bikes when being ridden? Ah! And you are already insulting me in your head! Ah! Wear your ‘helmet’ even if she is the one ‘giving you lift’ because in spite of the last virus, the ‘enjoyment one’ is still a big issue! If you know, you know la…!

In fact, I wish she was the one riding the motor bike and I was the one sitting at her back. Like it will be sweet o. sweetness on wheels. I took her phone number with bad intentions in mind and later when I tried, they say e bi wrong number!

Some of us including me are too impatient! I just don’t know why la! Please be sincere with yourself o; which one of the following is more annoying and requires patience?:

After a long frustrating day, you are so hungry and entered a fufu joint. After waiting for your turn for so long in the queue, it gets to your turn to be served only to be told by the fufu ‘Teller’ that you should wait small for the next ‘consignment’ as they are now going to bring the cassava from the fire! Ala! By some strange design, this is likely to be the time too that an annoying mobile phone call will come through and I can imagine the speed with which you’d cut that call with a wild chuckle, no matter who the person may be!

The second scenario is this: you enter a banking hall to withdraw your last GHC30 to solve an urgent problem. You wait in the queue for about 46 minutes before it gets to your turn. You are so relieved and just when you are about to be served, the teller tells you to wait small because the system is down and that they are trying to fix it. Yeso, ehern, what do bank Tellers tell at all? Because some of them don’t tell you anything at all apart from giving or taking your money from a glass cage with a small window and then you are gone – no telling! I am sure that is why sometimes some banks have their systems failing so that they can ‘tell’ you something. After all, that is their work – to be telling you something, no be so?! I wonder what informed the name ‘Teller’ but I would google it later on! Bank people, please don’t insult me in your head o, I am just joking oo.

As to which of these two scenarios, the cassava one and the bank teller one  may be more annoying, you may decide to choose the one that is more frustrating but I can assure you that both are ‘I.C.U cases’ no matter what your circumstances may be! If you want to add a third scenario to make it look as if the end times are near, get to the public latrine in the queue with diarrhea and the one inside the eyi already has had to continue battling with some unrepentant constipation and you would have to wait! Ala! It’s then you would know that indeed ‘God is Love’!

Have you ever tried this thing on a Chic who is proving hard to catch before especially if you were a bad boy like I used to be? ‘oh let me just brush the ‘mouth’ small’. Or you haven’t done some before? Oohhhh you no be guy kraaa if you have not. The last one I did was when I pleaded on my knees begging to just let the ‘head’ enter small so I could ‘feel it small’. Before she knew it, the ‘shoulders’ together with the entire ‘long body’ also entered zror oo. Immorality go kill us o. Sin indeed fascinates and assassinates!

One of Ghana’s men of God who I fear so much is Koffi Oduro. He will make you feel like you should repent immediately instantly. He wishes he can change you immediately from your bad ways. You wear the same boxer shorts for 5 days and not washing it. The way he would preach will make you feel like going to the washroom to remove your boxer shorts and throw it away immediately. The devil fears him. ‘What do you mean, you devil?’, he would attack. He believes in spite of a spiritual world, our predicaments are mostly as a result of our sinful ways. You can’t drive recklessly on the N1 highway and expect the angels to protect you or slow you down. Your own devil (indiscipline) will slow you down and sometimes the consequences can be devastating. Respect God fearing attributes. You can’t be in a church and sending messages to someone you are not married to informing him or her about which guest house will serve the purpose of the two of you. ‘Gad…..will judge you’. Apart from that, it is your reproductive organs that will bear the pains which you call enjoyment. Practical as he can always be, he occasionally comes after public figures and often positions himself as the special prosecutor to prosecute you instantly.

How can a married refuse to have seggs with your husband when he is in the mood? ‘Gad…will judge you’. Married man sleeping with young girls and think you should have all your prayers answered including the cure of prostrate cancer. ‘Gad…will judge you’. A married woman who cannot dress sexily to invite her husband to yearn for her…another woman will do it for her. Or a man whose does not bath regularly but always wants to eat his wife? ‘Gad….will judge you’.

The day this man becomes school prefect, even Jesus may be in trouble for delaying in coming early because people are committing too much sin. He has a unique style. Straight to the point. No corner corner. Speaks very good grammar too and when it comes to the local language which is his stock in trade, when you refuse to heed to good advice….woyaaa….re!

Enjoy your weekend but remember ‘sin fascinates and assassinates!

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