Useless Column: Village perfume


As the year 2023 is gradually coming to an end, one of the mistakes I won’t carry forward into 2024 is to ask my wife after giving her money: “will this be enough?”. Hehehehe! There are some questions you shouldn’t be asking your woman and one of them is this one. Even if it will be ‘more than enough’, what response do you expect to hear? It is similar to telling people that as for you, you do HIV test every month. Ei! For what? Anyway, whatever you are looking for in the result, one day one day, you may just get it. Inasmuch as doing the right thing is good, too much of it is bad. Like I told my class one teacher before when she asked me how many times I bath in a day. To impress her, I told her I bath six times in a day. Weytin concern me with bathing sef? Is it by force? Even now, unless my wife throws me out of the room, what is my business with soap and water? That is why I like it when she is travelled. Bathing becomes a thing of the past.

I have admonished you many times before that if you want to have fun during festive occasions, be careful who and what you pick for the love of useless enjoyment. I hope you remember that my horrendous experience some years back.

Anyway, have you observed that anytime you are absent minded and cross the red light, the Police hardly notices it and for some divine intervention, you escape their lenses? That is when you would think you are the smartest guy in town. My friend, Kojo tried it just yesterday and a tipper truck from nowhere did the needful – he is gone! Next week Thursday is his ‘one-week festival’. Do the right thing not necessarily when the Police is watching or not; it is for your own good. When they say wear condom before the distin, you think they want to deny you access to real sweetness. Now see the problem he has created for his wife and children? Gone too soon just because he thought he was a smart guy, in traffic.

My late father in 1988 refused to mind his own business when he heard Mr Hindo and his wife fighting. He peeped through to see what was happening. Before he knew it, a ripe pawpaw from nowhere landed on his face – paw! Since then, I have learnt not to be interested in other people’s affairs especially marital ones. Stay in your lane. Weytin concern you especially if you have never been married? You are now going to advise people who are married? Too known go kill you.

So what at all are you expecting me to say about Village perfume? Your ears sweet you o, hahaha! It was on the eve of Valentine’s Day which fell on a Saturday. I was on trek somewhere. Then in the night, my driver and I decided to drive around town and also to drink apio. At about 7:12pm, standing by the road side was this super pretty lady with big back as sumptuous as ‘food for thought’ for Vals Day nokofio!

Adventurous as I was, anything with a popped up back was ‘meat’ for me. My driver, another bad man was giving me vim and fans. I stopped by to say hi to the lady with ‘evil’ intentions. That trek was going to take me through the weekend so a good time to enjoy.

With her voluptuous back and irresistible frontal guards, she sat in front in her beautiful straight dress. My driver started swallowing saliva and I warned him to look straight! I asked the girl to join me at the back seat and she obliged.

We had a brief chat and I asked where she was headed and she indicated Dakuwa. I offered to take her there since we were strangers in town and I would love her to keep me company. I don’t know where I learnt this from but I think my driver was such a bad influence. I asked her if she has a date for Vals Day. She rather expressed oblivion about the day as she didn’t seem to know Vals Day was the following day. I told her I would like to spend the February 14 night with her. She smiled; strangely she didn’t want to look me in the face. I reckoned that she might be feeling shy. I pulled her head on to rest on my laps and  the feeling was yiiiiiii, very sweet. The perfume she used smelt nicely but strangely but I took it that as for village perfumes di333, seyiaaa – very pungent and ‘loud’! She resisted my attempt at kissing her. The fifth limb in between my thighs started ‘misbehaving’. Bad mind has come to mind!

At that material moment, I could have done the ‘this thing’ right there if I didn’t have a driver with me since the place was a forest area and dark and you know sin does very well in the dark. She promised me a kiss ‘tomorrow’. Excitement be what! Then on the way to Dakuwa, she asked to alight and that was around 7.58pm. We exchanged contacts but she wrote my number on a piece of paper. I saved hers on my phone straight away. She is called Maabena.  I told my driver, ‘I ‘go chop this girl p3333’ and he (my driver) gave me encouragement and even advised me to call her that night to start the pre-Vals Day enjoyment if only she would agree to spend the night with me in my hotel room. My only doubt was that she said she was an only child and her parents would not allow her to spend the night outside home. I tried to call to tell her I was ‘missing her already’ (edwaman anthem at first sight) but her phone was off!

My driver and I left for a nearby town to drink tea and fried eggs with bread. It was close to a place where a funeral wake-keeping was taking place. The tea seller prepared my tea first while I had sent my driver to get me recharge card so I can call her and talk the whole night.

I was about taking my first sip of the hot tea when my driver ran to me shaking and panting. He asked me to drop the tea and come and see something. I told him I was hungry and needed to eat first. The wake keeping was also on-going. Then he held me by the left hand and got me closer to an electric pole and asked me to look at the obituary posted on the pole. I almost fainted. I paid a closer look and OMG, it was Maabena’s picture with the same red lipstick I had wanted to kiss not long ago.

My driver was still shivering though he wanted to laugh at me at some point. I didn’t believe it. Conspicuously, we could see where a body was laid in state. Curiously, I approached it and Lord God have mercy! Sexual promiscuity no good o, my brother. Whaaaaat! I’d never imagined these things were real.

Abeg, the feeling was not one that you can imagine or one that I can narrate here. I was getting frozen though sweating in my armpits. My driver ran away without knowing where he was going.

I took a closer look at the lips of the corpse laid in state and wondered if that was not the same lips I attempted kissing less than an hour earlier. Ghost pimples were all over me. What made me believe the girl I had struck acquaintance with was a ghost was that the smell from the place she was laid was exactly the same as her perfume on her when she was in my car.

I could not sleep that night in my hotel room behind which there was a thick forest just about a few kilometers away from Dakuwa. Look, these things are real o. I fell sick with my lips becoming sore ‘all over my body’. Nothing was more horrifying that night than the smell of her perfume on my body because I pulled her to put her head on my laps all because of sinful intentions. Even after taking my bath, I could still smell it. Kai!

I was rushed to Accra that Saturday dawn and sent to a native doctor who narrated what I had gone through in the hands of a ghost even though I had not told him about my encounter with Maabena. The native doctor put akpeteshie into his mouth and splashed it on my face to cleanse me. I was made to drink some. According to him, ‘the ghost was angry because of my evil thoughts towards ‘chopping’ anything in skirt’.

Sin fascinates and assassinates! Flee, my brother, my sister! Christmas is coming. ‘Eat’ only your wife and not other people’s future wives or else…a ghost will give you perfume!

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