Useless Column :‘Land inside tea’


You remember those days when you visit someone and you smell the aroma of food. The next thing that comes to mind is that ‘Halleluyah, they are going to serve me food’. Then you hear the chattering of plates and spoons and knives.  The next thing you begin to do is to unnecessarily keep your eyes glued to the TV set as if it is a textbook from which you are reading to prepare to write your next exams. Why did we do that? Sometimes we did that to see how serious we are about life but it is a lie o; it’s all because of the food. One day I waited for so long and the food never came. When I was leaving my visitor, I ‘vex’ rof but still managing to spew out a smile. I got to the gate of the house only to realise the food was being eaten by a dog, those foreign ones. Not those local ones that eat banku and pepper and struggle to bark at a thief when they see one. I had one such dogs before. It won’t even bark for you to know there is a thief around. As soon as the thieves order him to lie down, it will be the first to comply. ‘Hands up’, it will comply! This dog er, hmmm!  Ey! I visited an elderly friend recently and he was seen preparing tea. I thought it was for me but kpaaaaoooo! Without him asking, I just shouted “as for me I don’t like too much milk so long as there is sugar”. He looked at me and asked whether I was talking to someone else. I told him his tea. He drunk it alone la. Oluman be chisel rof!

English Language WAIC exam in 19 ninety something was such a confusing one. There was an essay question that required candidates to write about CHILD LABOUR. Honestly, I personally found it ambiguous. Ambiguous in the sense that I could not tell whether they were referring to how children can go into labour and give birth or the phenomenon that involves the use of children to do business at various places including stone quarries! After all, they are both ‘labour’. To be on the safer side, I avoided this particular question. It was not like the ‘True or False’ questions. You know, out of 10 ‘True or False’ questions, chances are that 5 are likely to be ‘True’ and 5 would be ‘False’ but how to tell which ones are True and which ones are False is often where the challenge remains especially if your head die like my own. So for me, it’s either I choose True for all 10 questions or False for all. By all means, I will get 5 correct. Simple! If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer! It is only in the university that when I did that, they subtracted marks for every wrong answer. Too known universities!

Talking about labour, is it not strange to see a woman in labour discussing when to have the next child? It is also strange to witness this: you have a husband who is usually moody and puts on a serious face anytime he returns from work. Then one Friday night, he comes back from work very happy and laughing and telling you nice things, throwing the baby into the air and catching it; my dear Sister, start suspecting him. He has imported joy from outside. Hold his left hand and smell his fingers; if the smell is close to that of onions and droplets of old urine, ‘then it happened’. He may bring you sickness if God no intervene. You can also check the flap of his boxer shorts; the smell may be unusual with some moisture. Smell his armpit; if there is an unfamiliar soap smell or perfume or his usual deodorant smell is missing, then he has taken his bath after the ‘this thing’. You can also smell the singlet he wore that day to work; it is likely to have a strange perfume smell from ‘a third party perfume contact’. Bring his used handkerchief out from his trouser pocket; if it smells of tsotso cream or fatwik3ky3, I am sure the result from your investigations would be ‘positive’! Try it, Sister Adwoa! Ajeeeei!

Happy birthday to you, my sister, Stella Zogbenu. Next time don’t invite me to the party and you will see the difference between Ayekoo and Yaayey!

Eish, the evil that men are doing er? We would catch them p3333! Nobody can catch me again o. You remember I was caught once when I got back home from work and she saw tissue on my ‘this thing’ and I told her I was learning how to clean the tip of my ‘this thing after urinating bcos I wanted to tuba and that I used tissue to clean the place as my new religion demands? Ehern!

I have devised a new strategy. When I know I could be a strong suspect, I won’t bath after the evil act o. On my way back home, I would wear my jacket like that with my tie on and go and play table tennis at the mall and sweat it out after which I will look so tired and smelly with sweat. That is a sign that I had a very stressful day. Finish! No be so? Be there playing the holier than thou, Mr Bonney!

People have taken some days off to visit their building sites? It is possible o bcos accommodation has become so expensive and I wonder how the real estate developers are making it. Some have built beautiful houses in the outskirts of Accra and it is not easy to afford.

After buying the land at say GHC50,000, one has to make provision for another GHC150,000 over a period of say 5-10years. This is bcos in a few years time, you should expect a leader of a delegation from the Ashangba-Wey or Nii Gbagbladza-wey. Give them GHC20,000 because they are not aware of any previous owner apart from them. Two years later, Nii Jaasi and his entourage will come with their nephews to tell you the land is for them and Ashangba-Wey don’t have right of sale bcos they only used to dump refuse on that land which does not suggest that the land is for them. In the midst of all of these, the ‘original’ owners of the land, landguards come to you to demand digging fee, roofing fee, painting fee, gating fee and ebei! Accra land, na wao! I suwear!

Woe onto you if you don’t have money to develop your land, it can be real hell. The past decade has been one of a morbid craving for the youth in acquiring land o. Landlords have given us hell before o but you can’t blame them. Building a house is not easy. Even after the block works and roofing, the ‘real’ work of furnishing it into a home reminds you that ‘yes, you are now building’. Talk of wiring, plumbing, ceiling, tiling, painting, and above all, LABOUR! It is better you don’t even buy land if you are not ready to develop it because chances are that it would be sold to 10 million more people – the same plot.

I have a strategy to protect such lands and let me share it with those who will not read this. If you are not ready, just wall the land up to 5 courses (coats). After that, demolish it yourself. Demolish it in such a way that whoever sees it would think you are ‘very angry’. Don’t angry me o, yoo. With the demolished state in which the land is, every reasonable prospective buyer would conclude that ‘there is a problem with this land’ and advise himself or herself. One plot of land with several owners, why? Ah!

If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer! Happy weekend and remember to share tea bread with your neighbor but without tea.

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