Useless Column: ‘Don’t bath’


The first sign you are about to sin is when ‘everything’ suddenly makes sense and justifiable to you. It is interesting how the business of side chicks has become topical lately. If demand is high, supply is high but what is the cause of the demand? Others will justify why it is good; where it suits some others, they condemn it. The third group would condemn whether it suits them or not. They are experts in condemning things. As for me, I don’t judge so as not to be judged. I dey my small corner…watching. The way womanising can stress and yet men will simply not stay away er…hmmmm!

The ‘victims’ are not far from us. It can be anybody’s niece. Every ‘victim’ is someone’s niece, someone’s daughter, someone’s beloved. Beware because sin fascinates and assassinates! In spite of that, thank God its Fridayyyyyyy and my brain is, as usual, scattered again. Writing things I have no knowledge about can sometimes be difficult. Just look at this: ‘My mother is twelve years old and I am 47 years old. My daughter is 53 years old and my grandchild is 70 years old’. Hahahaha! Useless Column; don’t read o, my paddy!

My niece came to me last Saturday crying. Asked what the problem was, she said a certain guy she was dating called her a ‘gold digger’. I asked her if she was. She said no. Asked how much her guy gives her or she demands from the guy, she said GHC150 a month. She gave me the guy’s number to call him. I called him to be sure that was the amount my daughter receives from him. He confirmed it. Then I asked him the cost of gold in his area. Up till now, paddy-man has not given me an answer ooo. Interestingly, the guy lives in my area – Kasoa! Matter close! Let me leave it here and go my somewhere.

I keep warning this my friend that from experience (not my own experience though), when a man goes to ‘de-stress’ after a hard day’s work, he should not bath. He should just make sure to clean the right places, wear his necktie and tuck in his shirt as if he is coming straight from the office. Many men, apart from me ‘go for small support’ aside their wives. Life has become ‘tight’ so sometimes….hehehehe! Woe onto anybody who sends this copy to my wife, I will know. You want me to say the truth here all in the name of ‘communication / transparency in marriage is the best’. You, go ahead and be ‘transparent’ about how a certain baby chop your mommo and how angry you are because she refused to give in. Tell your wife. After all, communication in marriage is the best. No bi so? The truth is that after bathing in the guest house or movie house, when you get home, your wife can tell that the smell on your body is not the usual smell. Interestingly, hotel soaps have this unique scent. Avoid it o. The last time I made a mistake of going home without bathing too, trouble came. My wife saw a small tissue around my this thing and asked about what that was. I responded that nowadays I want to change my religion so anytime I urinate, I use tissue to clean the eyi. She believed me; I jubilated.

I have observed that anytime I decide to do fasting for God to do some miracle in my life, that is when all the sweet aromas of food and ‘other things’ not necessarily ‘eaten by the mouth’ start crossing my path. That is when fufu light soup will waft across my nose tempting me to eat! Today for instance, I had declared it a day of fasting and prayers. Just when I was preparing to leave the house for work, that is when my wife took her bath and walked across the bedroom naked with torrents of water dripping down her body! As if that was not enough and in what appeared to be an attempt to spoil my fasting, she bent down to pick something from under the bed in front of me again. Alla! I couldn’t continue with the fasting o as I had to take an early tempting ‘breakfast’! That’s why I was late for work today and my Boss has prepared a query for me to answer. Me? I will tell him the truth…in my query response!

When somebody who has never been married before is advising a married couple as to what to do in marriage, I laugh aaa and enter guest house!  Such a person will often tell you what he or she has read from books that every married person can write about from their own perspective even after 3 months of marital experience!

I think it is important to marry your ‘enemy’ instead of your friend. When your enemy does things you don’t like you are not surprised. But when your friend does same, then you go like ‘what a shock’.

Your ‘enemy’ is the one who does not pretend when in courtship with you but shows his or her weaknesses that you feel you cannot handle when you get married. Your ‘friend’ is the one who hides all those weaknesses ‘just to beat immigration’ and shows them only after marriage!

I once read an article somewhere I can’t remember. It was on Social Psychology and I learnt from it that one of the best strategies to resolve conflicts between two people is to put them together. When two enemies live together for a long time, they become the best of friends. The reverse may however not be the same! True? Well, let’s give it a try especially now that we have come to the reality that when two friends live together for some time as husband and wife, they become the worst of enemies at certain times in their lives and if care is not taken, the union hits the rocks! But what is this miracle about marriage? Sometimes everything seems so sweet and other times too, as if you are living in the same room with the devil himself or herself.

It is perhaps one of the reasons I am often very happy when people fail to invite me to weddings nowadays. In the past 5 years alone, anytime I meet ten of the people whose weddings I had attended, chances are that when I ask of their partners, 3 would tell me: ‘Charlie, the ‘thing pascal o’! That ‘for better for worse’ thing is the biggest deception during declaration of marital vows. It has lost relevance and the earlier churches expunged it from marital vows the better! ‘I do’ should also be replaced with ‘I will try’ or what do you think?

In my village, you can’t say ‘for better for worse’ in a shrine and do otherwise o. Hmmm! To be on the safer side, just say ‘I will manage’ – a manifestation of the fact that some of us as Christians we fear the shrines more than we fear the Bible! Small thing, I want divorce because ‘my partner did not meet my expectations’.

Anyway, why is it that when they ask us to start exercising, we refuse till it gets to that time in our lives when nobody advises us but we start jumping up and down by ‘hat’? ‘No pain no gain! No pain no gain!  No pain no gain! ‘Instructor would say ‘stretch your legs’ and he will do it with his fat stomach. ‘Jump and twist’, he will comply. ‘Twist your ‘useless’ waist and he will do it. ‘Stop eating too many eggs’, he will now start eating fruits and vegetables. Stop eating too much meat and he won’t even try snails! ‘Bend down and hold your body’ and he will comply.

Ajeeeeeei! I am just sitting my somewhere laughing at Tom Brown, my neighbor who just turned 42. Five years ago, when you advised him to do all these exercises and desist from some eating habits, he will tell you ‘man must die of something’. Now he is afraid that if he dies early from poor life style and lack of exercising, his children will suffer and his sweet wife will be available to some id**ts to come and ‘chop’ kpluya kpluya kpluya when he is sojourning underground forever at Awudome.

He is now jumping by ‘hat’ as if his entire survival depended on it. You have not seen anything yet, Tom Brown. Wait till you are told your liver is enlarged bcos of fats around it. It is then you would realize that after all, a little discipline is better than expensive pills! Keep jumping! You would fly soon, Tom Brown!

Have a good weekend and remember, whatever you wish anybody, good or bad, you are actually wishing yourself. Tataaaaaaaaaaaaa!

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