Useless column: ‘My Wife’s Husband’


Who? Me? Since yesterday you have been calling me and talking talking talking! What do you want me not to do for you? Hello? Are you there? I am still on the line. What line? Hahahahahaaaa! Today is Fridayyyyyyyyyy! Happy yourself o, yoo.

Why is it that when they ask us to start exercising, we refuse till it gets to that time in our lives when nobody advises us but we start jumping up and down by ‘hat’? ‘No pain no gain! No pain no gain! ‘Instructor would say ‘stretch your legs’ and he will do it with his fat stomach. ‘Jump and twist’, he will comply. ‘Twist your ‘useless’ waist and he will do it. ‘Stop eating too many eggs’, he will now start eating fruits and vegetables. Stop eating too much meat and he won’t even try snails! ‘Bend down and hold your body’ and he will comply.

Ajeeeeeei! I am just sitting my somewhere laughing at Tom Brown, my neighbor who is 46. 7 years ago, when you advised him to do all these exercises and desist from some eating habits, he will tell you ‘man must die of something’. Now he is afraid that if he dies early from poor lifestyle and lack of exercising, his children will suffer and his sweet wife will be available to some id**t to come and ‘eat’ kpluya kpluya kpluya when he is sojourning underground at Awudome.

He is now jumping by ‘hat’ as if his entire survival depended on it (at least now he knows). Wait till you are told your liver is enlarged bcos of fats around it. It is then you would realize that after all, the moon in America is not exactly the same as the moon in Tetegu! Keep jumping! You would fly soon. Hahaaa! Guess who Tom Brown is – Me!

Is it not amazing that in this weather some people are still not getting catarrh and cold? I just don’t understand why even my own friends don’t have catarrh and flu! No bi voodoo be that? If you know you don’t have catarrh at this time of the year, then you may be a jujuman! Don’t you know that being too healthy too can be a hazard? My friend, keep your air-condition on and join the chorus of those of us coughing and sneezing by heart! Are you the only one they have made oranges, lemons and hot water for? Ah! It is the reason my laughing nowadays is measured. The more I laugh, the more I cough.

My nose is blocked and my throat is doing me kinikini!

Anytime you see the Whatsapp status of mostly a man with the words: “A great woman you have been to me. I don’t know what my life would have been if God had not given you to me. I love you so so much, Martha’’, chances are that he is not on talking terms with his wife. Come and ask me. Hahahahahaaaaaa! Women are sincerer when it comes to some of these posts. They mean every word they put out there on their status. It is the reason I love my wife so much. Hehehehe! True o, otherwise how will I know she is a real woman if she doesn’t give me ‘headache’? Hahahahaha!

I have a friend called Alhassan. He has never been to school. He explained to me why a woman should never be touched no matter what. According to him, if we believe in the Book of God, no one would touch his wife. He even asked me if I have ever heard of or seen records of any man in the Bible beating his wife.

He said women were made from the most beautiful rib from a man and that particular rib is curved more than the others, the reason women are beautiful and men are…just like that! The moment a man tries to ‘straighten’ that rib, it will get broken hence the reason husbands should never attempt to ‘straighten’ his own rib. He further asked if I have ever heard of any man coming out to say: “my wife is a changed person now since I started beating her’.

As for the answer, I will leave it with you to think through but as for me I am yet to see one. Men and women, we have our own uniquesness, strengths and weaknesses in everything. If you don’t get it, chances are that you will keep jumping from one partner to the other and the value will be the same”, Alhassan said. If you think she is not ‘straight’ (perfect) and needs to be straightened, you would break her (the rib). Even me, a man, am I perfect?

I was at one of the malls recently and realized that they are nice but their washrooms? Hmmm! It looks like a lot of people don’t have ‘eyi’ in their homes oo. Or is it rather because they don’t want to waste water in their own homes so they carry ‘things’ around into the malls but rather use free water to flush things of no immediate use. I mean the place where ‘major operations’ take place not for urinating oo.

They are constantly under lock with the ‘patients’ behind the doors! On a more serious note, some of the malls will have to start charging for the use of the washrooms. It costs so much money to maintain washrooms especially for the public. Imagine how much would be paid these contract cleaners who are constantly present to tidy the places per second! Can you do that at Agbogbloshie market? This is not fair oo. The annoying thing is that majority of the people who ‘perpetrate this crime’ don’t buy anything from the shops including myself. hahaa!

If people learn to download at home knowing they would be charged for using the mall toilets, it would help a great deal!  Why do some of us like free things like that! Malls eei, charge only GHC1 for ‘downloading’ and GHC0.50 for ‘minor operations’ especially the men – charge them. The places are always under lock and me as ‘useless’ as I am I don’t get the chance to do the do!  Last week, nothing annoyed me more than after waiting for more than 20 minutes, a very fat man came out sweating and laughing. Just when I tried to take over, he went back this time one could hear him lay the foundation ‘troom… troom…troom…’ and then he starts laying the blocks ‘tim…tim…tim’. This man must have had a terrible constipation for one week! What annoyed me most was the fact that he was wearing jeans! Who cares!

Disclaimer: if this is the first time you are reading this abstract, this is how it is o. hahahahahaha! Everything comes out in its raw form and in no particular order, the reason, it is a waste of time reading it, Sir.

I am coming to stand at some malls and be collecting the money for you wae. After all, the targets here can easily be met. Ah!

English Language seems to be contradicting itself every day. Look at this: ‘she rendered an unqualified apology to her boss last Friday’. Another unfortunate one is ‘my wrist watch is priceless’. Does it mean it is a stolen watch and for that matter I don’t know the price at which it was bought? Ooo, let’s speak Twi, Ga, Ewe and Dagbani more wai. When you talk to me in a foreign language, you are only talking to my mind but speak to me in any of the local dialects and you would have been touching my heart. No be so?

So who needs this information to make a management decision? You? Hahahaha.

So were you really expecting to hear me write about who my wife’s husband is? Am I not the one? Don’t bring yourself because my problem big pass yours but I am still smiling! Problems no dey finish! Laugh let me see something er…hahahahahaa!



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