Useless column: Kettle in the potbelly

Useless Column: The Fetish Pastor
Mawuli Zogbenu

“Mohamed Polo. The ‘Dribbling Magician’ is my greatest footballer of all times”. This opinion is characteristically attributed to one of Ghana’s first university graduates who played for Accra Hearts of Oak and the Black Stars. The first university graduate  [I stand to be corrected] who played soccer in Ghana played for the Rainbows, the Masters!

Ohhhh, let me digress small la before I continue. Don’t worry. This is the only column that can go up and come down in no particular order! Hahhaaaaa!

Of late, I have been oversleeping and don’t know whether I’ve been bitten by tsetseflies. I can sleep saaaaa and wake up at 5am. So I decided to buy an alarm clock and guess where I bought it from – my hometown. At the funeral ground was where they were selling it. It was a nice looking clock. I brought it to Accra and set it to wake me up at 4am. Ah! Instead of this alarm waking me up at 4am, it would wake me up at 1am just to disturb my sleep and I cannot sleep again till daybreak. I thought it was the battery so I changed it but still. So on another visit to my village last weekend, I carried it along and you won’t believe what the guy who sold it to me told me. He said it was because I didn’t send it for reconfiguration in my village shrine so he suspects ‘my people’ organized themselves to come and change the time to 1am just to disturb my sleep because according to them, I was enjoying too much in Accra.  These my people er, hmmm!

About two weeks ago, I sent my car to the washing bay. After spending close to one and half hours waiting, they were done and as soon as I started moving, the rains started and the place I was going to was a muddy area and your guess is as good as mine. This life can throw dirt on you even when you have cleaned yourself!

Exercising has become a turf war between me and myself. They say I should go to gym so I started and some small boy would be asking me to do all kinds of ‘useless’ gymnastics. Me kraaa at 45, I think my case is better. There is this big man who is also the CEO of a big bank who would take instructions from that same small boy. ‘Jump to the right’ and he would comply’ ‘Twist your waist to the left’, he would twist. With his belly, the next instruction would be: ‘Lie down, put your hands at the back of your head ‘. He would comply. Next instruction is what would find him begging this small boy six packs – ‘Now, with your hands at the back of your head, raise your body with your knees up’. That is when you would see this CEO begging: ‘Kofi, let this cup pass over me; I can’t do it. Let me close’. Hmmm! This potbelly matter.

Do you know how to detect if you are developing a pot belly? Just try to cut your toe nails with a razor blade or try lacing your shoes! Very simple! You don’t need a doctor to tell you anything; your lungs and your breathing speed will diagnose you instantly.

Weight gain is the easiest target to achieve on earth but losing it? Ha! Early January this year, I was asked to get some food supplements to deflate my tummy so that I can lose weight. I was weighing 98.6kg at the time. I’d wanted to come down to at least 90kg in 3 months. It was recommended to me by a nurse. I paid so much for it and had to religiously follow all the requirements that go with the ‘medication’. I ate before 6pm. By the end of March 2021, I went to check my weight hoping that it would reduce to like 88kg. To my surprise, I became Adum FM – 106.3kg. It was then that I gave up. What is it! How careful can I be again!

So I made it a point to wash my own car instead of going to the washing bay with it and I often do this at night. I would sweat fine and felt good. It worked for some time till I listened to a man of God on radio who preached against washing your own car and that it has disadvantages. What kind of disadvantages? Then he went on to say when you send your car to the washing bay, all the evil spirits and forces around you and your car are washed away. I believed him. This is because anytime I tried to wash my car by myself, the evil spirits surrounding the car have a way of fighting me back. When I try to wipe the wet body of the car, I see more water dripping on the body. I once used a towel that could soak and wipe the water very well but still, the gborgborvon people from the spiritual realm would still pour water on the car without me seeing. You go wipe saaaaaaaa! But with washing bay? Fast and neat kraaa! Just remember to tip the boys and you are good to go.

Exercising moderately still remains the best. I still see retired footballers still playing soccer as a form of exercising and they still look young. You remember I told you I met a former Black Stars Captain some 3 years ago at the airport and in my conversation with him, he stressed it further and I couldn’t agree with him more that Ahmed Polo remains the best footballer in the world, as far as he is concerned. In fact, what made me believe him the more is the fact that this former Ghanaian International, had travelled the world over and seen it all and believed Ahmed Polo is the greatest of all time in the world. We have the talents here in Ghana o! They dey plenty except that the opportunity hardly presents them to the world stage to catch the eyes of the world football investors. Even me, I used to play soccer paaa in my school team. The only problem was that anytime I was featured in a match as a defender, my team lost!

What made me remember Chief Polo was his recent commendation of the Chairman of his former club for having come this far by winning the 2021 premier league. Yes, Italy won against England last weekend but I only heard about the results. I am not a fan of foreign soccer. I believe we have to make our own look good rather than stand in ‘front of our chamber and hall apartment and clapping for the man with a 5-bedroom house on the hill’!

I love Ghana football and would want it back with the ecstasy that it deserves. Is it not amazing that when people travel to some of the obscurest countries in the world and mention the fact that they come from Ghana, the immediate response from the people is: ‘Really? You mean Abedi Pele?’. My people, there is no better feeling like that anytime you meet such people who only know about Ghana through Abedi Pele. I was once embraced in a country some 12 years ago the moment the people of that country got to know that I was from the ‘country’ with its a.k.a being ‘Abedi Pele’. The level of respect was taken to another level. No one ever asked me: ‘Really? You mean Lion Mercy’? Never, it has never happened and I doubt if it would ever happen. The problem is that we don’t love ourselves la and it makes it even more difficult to catch up – with ourselves!

We need more Abedis and Polos on the world map and the only way to do so is to develop and invest in our own. 50 pesewas momo per month to support our local leagues and players won’t kill us; it would only make us better and bigger.

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