Useless column: ‘Corn-Mill Tozo’

Useless Column: The Fetish Pastor
Mawuli Zogbenu

I have come to realise that the only thing that makes people see the real time usefulness of wearing nose masks and sometimes doubling it is when they enter the public toilet! If you know, you know! These nose masks thing has really helped solve a lot of problems. If your teeth are as bad as mine, face mask would cover up for you. If your mouth smells ‘nicely’ just after eating kenkey and fish, face mask would save you. The only thing face mask has failed to do is when my Uncle Ganyaglo is drunk and is talking to you. Even if you are wearing 10 face masks, the ‘aroma’ from his ‘yesterdays’ akpeteshie consumption would still pierce through especially if he combines it with jot! Alla!

It’s Fridayyyy and let’s enjoy some unserious business with this abstract wae but please don’t read o, yoo! Life has become too stressful and the need to take it easy on ourselves sometimes.

Corona virus is still in town and this time we are told, it is changing from the second gear to the third gear which can be very dangerous. You know when you are learning how to drive with a manual transmission car, they start to teach you from first gear. Then second gear. At this point, you are extremely careful about your control. However, the day you are taught to move it into third gear, the speed begins to ‘sweet you’ and you may want to start speeding because you have a feeling you have gained some confidence. Meanwhile, that is the time you should be more careful.

Let’s be careful and keep all our protocols intact. COVID-19 is still looking for people wh are not wearing the masks o, yoo. I am sure if the virus smells like ‘lavender hills plus’, no one would tell us to wear the mask. Unfortunately, it has no known smell though I had heard in some countries, some sniffer dogs can smell it. COVID-19 has advanced and it is killing people across the world regardless of one’s age.

That is why I like Adabraka paaa, even the death of a 90-year old person attracts an obituary of “What A Shock”. At Dansoman, regardless of the age, the obituary reads: ‘Gone Too Soon’. ‘Transition’ is for the East Legonites. Oguai folks are quite polite to death; they simply make it ‘Home Call’. For my Uncles at Ashaiman and recently Kasoa, anytime any of them died, they preferred to have an obituary with the title ‘International Call’.

Quite recently I spotted one somewhere and it read ‘At Long Last’. It was the poster of an 86-year old man! Only God knows how long his family had waited to see him ‘gone’! Remember you are only useful when you are alive oo. Many of your siblings may appear to love your children just because you are still alive o.  Extremely helpless when you can no longer move your limbs. If you like, pretend to be gone too soon today. Tomorrow, you would be forgotten. Your best friend is very likely to have another programme on the day of your burial and may not attend your funeral. Love yourself first o. From what some of us have come to realise, one’s family is spouse and children! Debateable? Just pretend to be gone too soon and see how your external family would treat your wife and children! It’s amazing these things are still there. Love your children and wife, invest time and resources in them and you would be ‘good to go’ at any time. After all, the likelihood of the man ‘going’ first is higher because we do too many bad things! Just make sure your immediate family is well placed and prepare your will. You may never know. Gone are the days when many men prevented their wives from getting advanced degrees. These days, the best thing to do is to help and encourage them to do their Masters and PhD and you would still be fine when gone. If you fail to do that, and the worst happens [God forbid], the story may not be a pleasant one for those left behind. The worst part is when some boozeman comes to give your wife some coins and wants to ‘have his way’! You have no control but once she is empowered, the focus will be on your children. True or False.

That’s the reason some of the best places I dream of working at is at the morgue. There, you are working with people who take every instruction of yours. They would not wish the worst for you. ‘Lie down and let me stitch your mouth’ and the body of the most important person that ever lived cannot resist. You write a query you have to answer yourself! Ahhh! Working here would be sweet papa. Cold rooms with everybody keeping quiet. You can even chill your beer here! Working and living with the living can be too stressful.

Imagine me giving Mensah a query for reporting to work late every day. I have lost count of the number of queries given him. Some he answered. Others he chose not to answer because the answers, according to him, were similar to responses to previous queries. Mensah was about to be sacked. I was to issue the termination letter. The next thing I found myself at church and right behind me praying fervently without knowing I was in front of him was Mensah.

“Holy Ghost Fire, consume Mr Mawuli…he is about to cause my sack..Father you said he who does not work must not eat; he doesn’t want me to eat…Let him fall at the entrance to his office…Let stroke visit him…Uncle God, his name is Mawuli Zogbenu… Mawuli Zogbenu… Mawuli Zogbenu…3X. I am calling his name three times so you can hear me loud and clear so you can finish him quickly. Finish him so… so he would stop worrying me”….

It went on and on and on! Do you think the cadavers at the morgue would do this to me for doing my work? Mortuary job, e go sweet brutal!

Somebody should come and stitch my lips together. I am praying for thieves to break into my car and steal my laptop so that I will stop talking about things that don’t concern me. No bi so? In fact the car I use is not even mine; the owners can take it back at anytime so please I don’t keep my laptop in it.

Please if you know you are my friend or I have had something to do with you before, don’t read these names coming up. You have no idea how I identify with you. If only you knew, depending on how your name is stored on my Chianna phone, you’d sever every form of relationship with me. Ahaaan! Wooaaa C, someone is calling me. See, it is ‘Adwoa Kasoa Filling Station

Names on my phone and how I saved them er! Ei. John Capi, Osei Mason2, Kerosene seller Trafik Lite, Maabena Camboo, Pastor Food (just because anytime this pastor visited me, he would not go away until he’s served with food. If not, he would keep quoting from one scripture to another on things I know already).

Solja Nurse Amissah, Afrifa Vandamme, Afimami Agbota, Agbo Laundry, Akos Gbintodo Chantan2. Akos Seamstress, Asiedu Electrician, Bed capi, Kofi Bentua diabetes, Gtv Dordor, Gakogo puuu, Guiness Danqwa, Herty popcorn, in-law –Sammy-Akpeteshie, Mathew plumber, korshi tiler, Lawrencia Bubuashie, Aisha Vodda3.

Electrical parts thief, Rita pedicure, Okoe Pantalon. Ampadu Iron rods, Coach Alontey, Nii Kwei Teshie Tsui Bl3oo, ‘Adwoa Central cafeteria small forehead’,

Go through  your phone if you don’t have a similar way of naming friends and people in your life for easy identification. If not then, you must have an exceptionally sharp memory. No be so? Hahahahaha!

Greetings to you, Corn-mill Tozo, Mamud hand-cup, Mechanic Seduji, Security Glass Gbetey, SCC TV Repairer, Spintex Noise Maker (he used to be my neighbour)! The interesting fact is that they don’t even know who they are! Hahahahaha!

Why not skip tomorrow’s funeral and rest, Kofi?

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