Useless column: Men who cook gbortemi

Useless Column: The Fetish Pastor
Mawuli Zogbenu

Let us keep praying and stay away from exposing ourselves o to the public with our glorious moments o. I joined trotro to work this morning bcos I was tired of driving an alatsa car. A lady in black apparel was weeping all through. I sought to know her problem and she said her sister got married last Saturday and passed on that same night of her honeymoon and tomorrow is her one week. Lord God have mercy! Hmmm!

Sometimes you may think you have a problem till you hear some of these stories and you would understand why no matter how slow your car is, you too will overtake somebody. This life! Let’s keep praying against such attacks o, e go better. The devil just hates nice things especially if you flaunt them before him, the devil. Keep your success story to yourself o. 80% of the people you share it with may not be happy with you. This is an unnecessary advice to those of you who post everything on your wosop status from the day you buy a house through your MPhil degree to the day you travel to ten countries in one month! Beware of gborgborvon pipos! ‘God no go shame you’, yes keep it to yourself! If Adam and or Eve had kept God’s warning  not to eat from that tree a secret anka, the serpent would never have come to tempt them. Keep quieti! Yooo!

Boys don taya oo! Ajeeeeish! I heard there are some gals in town these days; if you ‘touch’ them, you would just be writing cheques for them so I should be careful, as advised. Careful about what? No problem; they even have my permission to ‘touch’ me first and I would have no problem writing the cheque. The only problem is if they will get any money from my account. They think they are smart aaaama! Touch me? I write cheques? And so? Eiii! Hmmm

Eii ‘Bediankor’ some call it. In my village, we call it ‘Gbortemi’. I want that love potion that can keep me with one woman for life. At least, it would save me a lot of money. The rest may just be wasting my earnings or? Please don’t tell my mother-in-law’s daughter this is what I said here oo, Konkonsa Kofi!

If I have now decided to drink from only one source what is wrong with that?  Apuu!!

It is the dream of most women to keep their men for life. What a dream! Eiii!

I keep wondering why in a church, when a very powerful pastor coughs everybody comes falling down with a thud, apart from the camera man or woman. These guys are so immune to the Holy Spirit and other dangerous ones such that they are never touched by anything during deliverance.!

And so it came to pass that, gbortemi is said to be used by some women to keep their men to love them forever and ever – Amen! Two past lady friends claimed they used it on me but it didn’t work. One of them I remembered prepared a serious meal for me when I visited somewhere about some 350km from Accra. The soup contained animals of different species and spiced with grass-cutter (akrantie) entrails! I ate it very well and she was surprised I still managed to return to Accra.

The other lady friend tried it here in Accra. It was rice and light soup spiced with spices. That was the first time I saw goat meat wearing bandana. Ei! I have never enjoyed food that much. After eating, she offered me a good bed to lie on so I could sleep well. As for lying on the bed, I did but I woke up and went home. Surprised at my ‘success’, she called me the following morning and called me all kinds of useless names including – Ampan nam! (batmeat). Who cares! It was only after several years that she came confessing her sins and how she meant to keep me to herself for life. Just like the camerawoman during a church deliverance, no weapon touches me oo that easily! But trust me, gbortemi got me later in life since I refused to sit at one place.

She had prepared me serious breakfast, selected the best of neck ties for me to wear to work on a gbortmi shoes she bought for me.

I got to work and even before I did, she sent a message telling me she was missing me already.

At about 10am in the morning, she again sent a message telling me “Honey, I know you are under pressure at work but remember somebody somewhere loves you…mwaaaa”.

Ei, this was really sweeting me. Don’t mind the brofo. Na 3y3 mi d3! After all, no matter how low the educational level of a local preacher man, he will never miss words like ‘principalities’ and ‘casualties’.

Before I could open the door to my house, this lady was there to welcome me. Took my neck tie off, picked my laptop bag and gave me a kiss. Ei! I looked stupefied because it was sweet. All of these she did in spite of her busy schedules as a career woman. Who says love potions don’t work?

She removed my smelly shoes and immediately served me with the gbortemi dinner. She joined me at the dining table with meals surrounded by chicken wearing boxer shorts and was spoon feeding me like a baby. I became suspicious but ei! The thing was still sweeting me.

I had finished eating and then water was warmed for me to bath with. She joined me under the shower and doing some things that sweet me again!

She showed signs of wanting to rape me but I wouldn’t mind.

We got to bed and her hands were all over the scanty hair on my chest while we were both sleeping.

This went on and on every day. What gbortemi could be better than this!

Women, in fact our wives, treat us this way and we would close from work early every day and no gbortemi can work against us outside the home. You hear?

This ‘my problem’ will read this and still be treating me like ‘her husband’ – that useless man who came to beg her father to allow her to be cooking for him. Wifee, treat me like baby wai. That’s the secret to keeping me at home oo otherwise…eeii! Hahaaa!

Whether you like it or not, as for me I have been eating gbortemi everyday at home. Whether what I have said here is true or not, I have to present my wife as an Angel anyway. You can go and discuss yours with friends who would pretend to share in your ‘problem’ but go out and spread it.

Marital unions are similar to a situation where your boss passes gas in your presence. Even if it smells badly, you would have no choice but to say ‘Yes Sa”!

Did I hear some men also use gbortemi to grab women they are in love with? Yes, I do too. Let me show you the trick. Give your wife good chop money at the end of the month. Every weekend, surprise her with money stashed in her hand bag so that when she gets to work, she will smile upon seeing it. Tell her it is for yoghurt on the road. Send her momo unannounced once in a while. It doesn’t matter how much but just let her know it is money for pure water. You have no idea how women appreciate this gbortemi. The interesting thing is that they give you back this gbortemi by using your own money to buy you boxer shorts and singlets. No be so? I can perceive a wife laughing in her head answering: ‘for the where?’. Hahaaaa!

Who say gbortemi is bad? Abeg, pamper your wife with money money money. Trust me, there is no potent love potion than this gbortemi.

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