Useless Column: Christmas short-time strategy

Mawuli Zogbenu

This Friday is Christmas and ‘they’ have started with their messages of ‘Hello dear… long time…just checking on you to find out how you are doing’. Stella, let me ask you o, weytin concern you with my health especially around this time of the year? Ern?

Don’t worry, I am very fine and I will be fine this Christmas and throughout next year and the years after just as everyone reading this will be fine throughout. Amen!

Have you realized that when a hen is being chased by a cock for the ‘thing’, the hen runs only a short distance and stops for her partner to enjoy? I don’t want to mention the partner’s name so that you will be insulting me in your head. If you know, you know la! Hahahaaa! I just like the style the cock makes any time they want the ‘thing’ from their female counterparts. They use akrorkror and go stylishly with one wing openly exposed and then…’Auntie’ gives in! Meanwhile, chase the same hen for soup this Christmas and you’d run the whole day.

Conversely the speed with which some ladies expect you to send mobile money is not the same as when you want the ‘thing’ from them. They go toss you saaaaa. Nowadays, just don’t propose but show signs of it but not in December and January o, yoo!

As for human men, we are not patient kraa that’s why our women swerve us sometimes. Let’s apply small subtlety and skill like the cock does with especially the right wing but we just go like that – no foreplay and some of us in a hurry disgustingly applying saliva for ‘early planting’ and then piaaaaa…we have arrived! Ajeeeei! January will come next week Friday and then you would be an economist with all the ‘useless’ theories against high cholesterol in eating fried rice when in actual fact it is poverty and brokement. Remember January has 45 days in case you want to spend all your December salary now.

Please help especially the needy in times like this. Not those who don’t really need but think you have in abundance and want to scoop some of yours to add to theirs. Be smart. If you don’t use your head, your body will suffer.

I was at the funeral of the late husband of this woman last Saturday and it was sad! I observed at the funeral that the widow didn’t seem to be in grief. What could be the problem? This widow danced more than everyone else. Mourners watched in awe. Even the hired criers didn’t understand what was going on. Later the widow asked for champaign and fufu with goat light soup.

The funeral brochure was the source. She refused to read that one when it was her turn to read the tribute. Typically such tributes are read on behalf of widows; they are too grieved to read. But this one di333, she offered to read it herself.  She was very happy instead of crying.

Our wives forgive us oooooo, hmmmm. In her unscripted tribute she went like:

‘My dear husband, Korku, you have been a wonderful alontey. My world was initially shattered when you got involved in that terrible accident at Nkawkaw and died on the spot.’ (At this point, families of the deceased tried to prevent her from continuing but hey, this woman has muscles). She continued ‘when you died, I almost died too as a result of the shock but a few days later I realized how stupid I would have been if I had died too. Fellow mourners, my late husband will by all means go to hell. He was everything to me as much as I was everything to him, I thought. He took good care of the children, paid their school fees and sent them to church every Sunday. He provided everything. He was a very caring person (Of course the most caring husbands enjoy ‘sweet’ things, secretly).

‘Now to my late husband, Korku, if I knew all of these before you lying in state here as the purest man that ever lived, I am sure I would have ‘finished’ you myself and damn the consequences. You cheated on me many times without me knowing. I am glad you are dead and gone. To God be the glory. Who is Akua Camboo? Who is Jennifer Indomi? Who is Amina GPAH? Who is Doris Polis HQ? Who is Sika Earring? None annoys me more than Amavi Brezia.

To you fellow mourners, I was going through my late husband’s phone so I could send invitations to some of his friends on wassap and this is where I discovered ‘poison’ in fact knives! Korku was very open with me. I had the password to everything of his without him knowing. The password to his laptop was the same for his ATM and mobile money accounts. He was the forgetful type so he did so in order not to mix up numbers.

With some military precision, I used his password **** and entered his mobile phone and the same opened his wassap line. I nearly fainted! The things I saw er! See:

Wassap chats, let’s go:

Korku: Sweetness Baby, how I wish you were in my arms to give me the warmth my wife hardly gives me at home:

Amavi Brezia: Awwwww Honey. I have not been feeling too well especially after that ‘expulsion’ of that ‘accident’.

Korku: I am sorry Baby, it is my fault. If I had frustrated that my wife to leave, we would have kept that baby and you’d have moved in to join me. You know you are the candle in my dark moments and the condensed mrik in my liptin. Don’t worry; I will frustrate Shiela till she packs out.

Amavi Brezia: Awwwwww! Honey, please don’t do that to her. Anyway I want to take a shower and come back.

Korku: Ok, my Luv. I wish to call you but Shiela is around and she might hear the conversation. So I will drive out and call from the nearest public toilet. Will 10 minutes be ok to call instead of wassaping?

Amavi Brezia: Honey I really don’t have the energy to talk; I prefer we chat when I return from the bathroom.

Korku: I am ok except that I would have loved to hear your ‘tininiiiii’ voice that I miss so much.

Amavi Brezia: Ok, my Luv. I will be back in a moment. Honey, the sytotek is too strong. I nearly died oo. My groin and abdomen are paining me. Hmmm!

Korku: Oh naaaaa! God forbid. You can’t die. Shiela must die first and then I bring you home to enjoy the true world of ecstasy in marriage.

Amavi Brezia: ??????????

Korku: Hello. Are you there? Babyyyyyyyyy, talk to me. Ok I guess you off to the bathroom. Pls get back to me asap ok. Luv you.

Here, the widow couldn’t continue reading the wassap messages again bcos she foresaw more ‘missiles’ in the trail of messages.

Though she wanted to discontinue, out of further curiosity, something prompted her to continue reading messages from some others including messages from Jennifer Indomi. She read only a few lines from Jennifer Indomi and Ala!

Jenniffer Indomi:Honey K, why is it that you no longer desire me as much as you do? Or is your wife giving you what she used to deny you? Or K, have you found another lover? Anyway, my daughter will resume next month and the termly fee is only GHC2,230.00 for KG 3.

Korku: Oh my dear. Don’t worry. I dey for you. Except that I have been busy of late. Church programmes and board meetings here and there.

Jenniffer Indomi: Ok dear. Tell me something about the school fees, Boo. They are resuming next month oo and you know Christmas is also coming.

Korku: No problem. I will be travelling to Nkawkaw tomorrow and when I return, I will give you the money but no problem at all. I hope GHC1,500 will be ok so you can top up.

Jenniffer Indomi: Honey Combo Biwi, please make it GHC2,000.

Korku: ei wo nunu. Ok. Ihu. I will try

Jenniffer Indomi : Okay Luv. You are the best. When am I seeing you? When you come back from Nkawkaw, I want to ‘see you’ apart from the money. I miss that ‘thing’ paaa. Shame wai! Lol!

Korku: No p. Shiela is even out of town so, we would see about that!

Sister stubborn reader Adoma, tell me the truth, if you were the wife, now widow, what would your tribute to your late husband, Korku sound like? Stop looking at my face la ah! Hahaahaha!

As for the pictures and videos in the photo gallery of Korku’s phone, Ataa Anum!

Men, please the ‘DELETE’ key is there for a purpose bcos you can never tell when you will drop…o.

Merry Christmas and stay glued to your wife and family ONLY because ‘Sin Fascinates and Assassinates’. You hear? Ayoo!

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