Useless Column: What breasts did to me

Mawuli Zogbenu

Just when I thought it was time to have useless fun, that was when the wahala started. I once told you before that whiles on leave, I was in Osu and decided to pass by Adabraka to buy jollof at ‘Adoley Special’ near ‘Champion’. I have a certain bad habit I’ve been trying to work on but it looks like I have lost the war against it.

It all started when my mother was in labour and asked me to go and bring uber so I could be born and finally I was born – on Christmas Day! Poverty was then the crime of my parents and so even on that day, not even common rice and stew was available for us to eat as a family. Poverty is a crime o or you didn’t know? Hmmm! I believe in working oneself out of poverty just like we work ourselves out of crime.

So doctor say they should give me breasts (emphasis on the plural) milk so I would grow up into a responsible adult. Really? Am I responsible now that I am grown? Hahahahaha! After two months or so, my mum started complaining that I was sucking too much of it and she couldn’t bear the pains. As a result, she rubbed bitter leaf around her nipples to ward me off at certain times of the day. I feel bad when people complain I am hurting them.  So I stopped sucking the breasts for milk. Everybody was wondering why at age 2 months, how I managed to hear my mum was complaining. They sent me to the hospital thinking there was something wrong with me. My mum now changed her concoction from bitter leaf to condensed milk on the nipples to attract me but still, I refused. I bore roff! Then she gave up and I started with solid food and to date, I don’t know what is tea.

The good news however is that now as an adult I suck breasts by the special grace of God especially when I am checking for lumps so that people don’t get breast cancer. It’s a serious disease o.

The last time I visited a patient in hospital was some time in 2007 and she was fine. By the time I got home, I was told she had bowed out following complications after the surgery.

As this pink month of breast cancer awareness comes to an end, wives, let us enjoy till October 1st, 2021. Let’s prevent breast cancer on your behalf. We are phylantropic and natural breast cancer doctors. Don’t be afraid of us; we won’t bite you; we will take it easy so that we don’t become worse than the cancer itself. We will donate our mouths free of charge. Don’t worry about the mouth odour. We will continue to wear face masks soon after the ‘exercise’. I learnt the men with no teeth in their mouth suck best gently and softly because there is no risk of biting. Give it out; we will help.

My bad habit is that I am always in a hurry; as to where, I don’t even know. After buying the jollof rice at Adabraka, I took the change from the woman and drove off. I only got to my Weija residence before realizing that I hadn’t taken the food I bought. It looked like I was more interested in the change than the food. Hmmm!

I did the same thing last Saturday. I went to buy condoms from a pharmacy shop nearby. The lady I used to buy from knew the USSD code I use when people are around. I just mention ‘*436*hash’ and then she wraps ‘it’ in a black polythene for me and I pay for it and I am gone. Everyone see it as para! That is the code for ‘Kisse’ brand of condoms. In fact from my ‘family planning’ experience, this is the best brand. It is cheaper than several other expensive brands but the best…for me. If you like try it. I have bought some of the most expensive brands before and had Kisse as a back-up because it’s cheaper and some of the expensive ones failed me; the reason for that my last born who who who… I don’t even know what to say but to say she hardly sleeps at night but to be spying on me and her mum ‘rolling over each other’! Some of those expensive brands burst easily especially if one’s ‘election’ is not that strong and and and… Hahaaa! As for Kisse, just try it and you would come and thank me later; it is very sweet like eating raw toffee but provides protection. It is now my main eyi and no longer a back up especially when the need for multiple ‘rounds’ arises!

Please use it on only your wife to control child birth o so that the population does not explode. After all, your vows during your wedding in church was actually meant to cheat on her and you keep deceiving yourself on Sundays. God forgive me, sorry, I mean you, Sammy. Hahaaa!

Now on that fateful evening at the pharmacy shop, I didn’t meet the usual lady but another one who described herself as an MCA. There were so many people in the shop so I requested to wait so I could tell her what I actually wanted. You know that is the only time a man will allow all those who came after him to be served first and not at the waakye seller’s joint. Lo and behold, after everyone had left, I succeeded in paying quickly for the ‘protectorr’ and took my change because the next person entering the pharmacy shop was a friend who would be surprised to see me there buying ‘morality contraband’ goods! Because I was in a hurry as usual, I only took my change and left without taking the ‘stuff’ I had paid for.

I got home, and went to bath. I was in the bathroom when my wife brought me 2 packs of condom in a transparent polythene. She said a certain lady at the nearby pharmacy brought it to the house and said after paying for it I forgot to take it so she has decided to do me ‘customer service’ by bringing it to my doorstep. Kai! Absolutely unnecessary customer service! Did I send her to do me any customer service? Oh trust me, before my wife, I denied ownership o. Unfortunately for me, after refusing to accept the eyi, I went out only to see the ‘unnecessary good Samaritan’ waiting outside to make me acknowledge receipt. So my wife brought me out and the girl said ‘Sir, you even left your driver’s licence; here it is, take it. Ei! This one was more than Australian fire meeting a tsunami!

My wife never said a word up till now and the thing is haunting me ooo. I am just praying for her to confront me so I will, as usual, use takashi and make her rather start feeling guilty for being fussy about ‘nothing’.

My pastor has been looking at me some kan way be of late and I suspect my wife might have reported me to him. That my pastor sef bad pass me. He is the one when he coughs, everybody comes falling down with a thud, apart from the camera man. We both met at the same pharmacy before, buying the same things. The last time I confronted him, he said ‘touch not thy anointed’. He was the one who taught me where to keep ‘those things’ under the spare tyre compartment of my car. He opined that your wife will never suspect you unless you give your car to her to drive and she gets a flat tyre on the way and had to change the tyre herself! Discovery Channel O! Hahahahahaha!

Wear your face mask; don’t get tired because the virus is not tired! But what is the actual colour of breasts? I guess it’s not pink!

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