Useless column (Don’t Read) … why I won’t attend my best friend’s funeral


Happy birthday to you my big brother and great friend, Mr George Q. Otoo, Senior Finance Manager of the National Insurance Commission. May you continue to live the admirable Godly life with such pure and clean heart, Sir! Schoca was the one who did this konkonsa to me o, Boss One! Hahahahahaha! God bless you, Sir.

I think I have mentioned in this column before that the sexiest bank branch in Ghana can be found around Abeka Lapaz. There are two relationship managers. One is called Dickson or Dick for short and the other is called Douglas and Doggie for short. They have a female boss called Virginia. What makes you think they don’t qualify to be the sexiest bank branch in the whole world? As we speak and due to the COVID 19 pandemic, Doggie has been working from home and it looks like he is ‘winning’ and if plotted on the pie chart and properly populated, I am sure Doggie’s style of working from home is very effective since his wife is also Teacher. His style appears to the most ‘used’ by all those who claim to be working from home but the husbands kneeling from behind instead of face to face. Ajeeei! If you know, you know la! What a life! Now husbands and wives don’t want to see each other face to face. The wife ‘takes the lead and the husband follows’. The Head and leader of the family is now a ‘follower’ just because they are both afraid of coughing or sneezing into each other’s face. Who knows! Coro is deadly….walayi!

Last night I slept with my mask on and my wife woke me up and thought it was a mistake. I told her I know my home-town village people: the moment I remove that mask and sleep, that is when they would organize themselves and come and sneeze right into my nose for me to get whatever it is people are getting for not observing the safety protocols. The fact that I am healthy and not sneezing is just annoying those my village relatives.

My late father used to say ‘whatever is used to circumcise the horse is in the horse’s own stomach’!

How many Chiefs and Traditional Leaders in this country have not issued directives to their subjects not to have elaborate and expensive funerals before? Did we listen? If there is any ban that I wish remains forever even after Wofa ‘19’, then it should be the ban on elaborate and expensive funerals. Funerals should continue to remain 25 mourners or below including the bereaved family. There are just too many elaborate funerals. Some are so close to us that, if you fail to travel 200km to attend, you become an enemy to your friend who has invited you to the funeral. On top, you have to do your donation. The way I am happy about the ban on funerals er especially those that exceed 25 mourners. Prior to the ban, I had 6 ‘important’ funerals to attend on 28th March 2020 alone. All these funerals were such that there was no way I could escape and give any excuse for not attending.

Some bereaved families waited for a while to see if the ban would be lifted asap so they could do the biiiiiig unnecessary so-called befitting funerals travelling across the lengths and breadths of the country and exposing themselves to various risks! What is befitting about someone who won’t resurrect in spite of the ‘befitting’? Since the ban, when last did you hear about a vehicle carrying 28 people being involved in an accident and people dying while on their way or returning from a funeral at sosoleso and so?

Indeed some families may not be too happy but I can assure you that majority will be happy bcos they will spend less. Forget about nsaawa and so-called mundane cultural things that no longer serve any economic purpose! I thank God there is control on drinking bars as well. That is when you would notice one, usually, not so eyi funfair person dancing at the funeral with all attention on him or her after being drunk beyond the limit. They are actually the side attractions at funerals and they are often not more than one at any given funeral. They dance to every music the way the alcohol dictates to them. Even if reggae is being played, they would dance to agbadza or kpanlogo!

Whatever money you need to spend on funerals, abeg use those monies including insurance proceeds on the children and their education where it applies.

If I were anybody and planning to die some years to come, I think this is the best time o and be buried privately or I won’t die again.

When my father died on May 2, 1994, the way my village people came to Accra and ate our food er? They had very good appetite too. Thank God my father won’t die again. His best friend, Papa Legba didn’t come and I was disappointed. Later, when I met him, he explained that even if he had attended the funeral, my dead father would not see him so there was no point to waste his time. Somehow, I agreed with him because the person who has given you a good reason to come to his or funeral cannot see or hear your presence. Abeg, let the dead bury their own dead; and this is Biblical!

Oman Panyin has spoken; if you like, go ahead and be doing those unnecessary parties we describe as ‘celebration of life’. I thank God all the 6 funerals I had had to attend on March 28, 2020 had all taken place privately and I never stepped there but I made sure I did the needful by just sending my momo. Case close! My physical presence would not bring the dead back any way or?

Courtesy the COVID 19 scare, the closest I would have attended was going to be at Nsawam. See the things I had had to do but for the limits on the numbers: fill my fuel tank, pay toll at Amasaman, leave my young kids at home, pay offertory during preaching at the funeral among others. The worst of it will be the shaking of unnecessary germ-loaded hands coming out from one nostril to the other. The most disgusting is shaking hands with people who have just used the washroom; whether you are aware or not, ‘tradition’ may compel you to shake hands with anybody in sight. I would also have been cost to the bereaved families because they had to hire chairs and canopies and make sure I drink and eat well with a colourfully printed funeral brochure telling you about things about the deceased which you probably know already. The spinners will be paid for playing some boring Gospel songs, among others. The people from the village at the funeral who would have to be accommodated and fed till after everything. Then I will return home tired and getting unnecessarily angry at the children who may need my attention small; provided God brings me back home safely.

Various Traditional Leaders have spoken and we didn’t mind them, if you like, go ahead and organize gboom gboom funerals and see whether thee moon we have in Accra is the same moon in Ave Dakpa! Indeed, whatever circumcises the horse is in the stomach of the horse.

Please abeg o, even after COVID 19, funerals should be limited to 25 mourners or less. That will make it even less expensive and the deceased resting in peace peacefully. We used to disturb them too much with unnecessary pomp and pageantry in the name of tradition.

Just send your momo and that is all. I know some readers have started insulting me in their heads already o. hahahahaha! We like funerals too much. Ah why?

Please wear your medically approved face mask, wash your hand with soap under running water and eat good well. That does not mean you should eat all the meat in the world with eggs on top o. I know some of you. Allen, I greet you.

Next week, I will let you know why Veronica has become such a good girl even though fewer people are named Veronica in Ghana. We prefer Chantelle, Shirley, Ablavi, Yaa, Mary, Rose, Cinderella, etc. Do these names have any buckets? Ah! Let me go and wash my hands with soap under running water after using this laptop to type this abstract which no one even read! Hahahaaaa!

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