Useless Column: ‘I imported a thief’


There is probably no scammer in the world worse than a vegetarian who tells you he doesn’t eat cow meat but prefers to eat wele. If you don’t fear such a person, follow him and you are doomed o, yoo. Some of them claim they don’t drink alcohol; go and smell the malt bottle they sent their children with and you would understand why the palm tree is arguably the most useful plant nature has given us; everything can be gotten from it including palm wine from which akpeteshie is distilled! We like deceiving ourselves o, hmmm!

You see, when you see a man and a 26-year old single lady entering a guest house at odd hours, what comes to your mind? Whatever comes to mind is bcos you have been there before and as to whether you went there to fast and pray, God dey watch we all o, yooo. Maybe the man and girl you see going there are also going there to pray, who knows! Stop being judgmental, you like that thing too much! Hahaaaa! Point of correction: we enter guest houses nowadays at any time, not only odd hours, we don’t mind! It is one of the sectors that is doing very well – guest houses, movie houses, and ‘them’ ‘thems’ at the expense of our homes and families!

Today is Fridayyyyy and massa, I am getting tired of the holidays o. By the way, when is the next holiday? My wife and the kids are on vacation at the moment and house dey sweet roff. Me alone oo, hahaaaa! Kw33333! I miss my kids and my wife but life has been good ‘alone’ albeit temporarily.

I am sure by the time she returns with the kids, the konkonsa people (gossips) in my area will start again. They are likely to be giving synoptic accounts of the different ladies entering and getting out of the house at night. Bcos of that I organised a small ladder behind the wall at the back of my house. There is no street light there so easy to do ‘crime’. I would arrange where the girls will jump straight down from the wall on to the compound after climbing the ladder. Often when the slim ones jump and land, no shaky; you would hardly hear any sounds. But the fat ones? Alla! All the rats in the house would run helter-skelter for fear of an imminent tsunami. All you would hear is ‘gboooom’! Please who is that saying I should rather have said ‘plump’ lady instead of ‘fat’? You see why we keep deceiving ourselves? ‘Calling a spade a big spoon’ has been our major problem in this part of the world. What is the direct opposite of the word ‘slim’ in the English Language? Is it ‘plump’ or ‘fat’? Fat is fat, that’s all and I love them especially my wife – she is large and in charge! If you don’t like to be called ‘fat’, go to the gym and it can prevent a lot of diseases as well. You continue eating junk food in the night without exercising and when you become fat, you want us to say you are plump. Don’t worry; we would address you as such wai. It won’t change anything! We only have to consider expunging the word ‘fat’ from the English dictionary!

But honestly, fat ladies are beautiful and sexy! Kw33333!

Back to what I was saying. The girls would climb the ladder and jump the wall on to the compound of the house zelem! I would then open the kitchen door at the back and they would enter through the kitchen borkorr (stealthily at tip-toe) and no one would hear the squeaking sound of the door hinges mpo. I learnt this strategy from the way thieves enter our houses; they often enter your house at night through kitchen doors and hardly would anyone notice. Abeg, get stronger security doors and locks at your kitchen o, yoo.

My wife and kids are expected back soon so last Sunday night, Ablavi, the super fat one and I planned her entry through the kitchen door at the back and the idea was that she was going to spend the night with me for ‘prayers’. ‘Praying without scissors nau’. Hahaaa! You know because I like ‘large’ girls like Ablavi, I easily fall when they walk in front of me shaking shaking shaking! Wearing some obroni wewu jeans trousers, Ablavi’s first attempt at climbing the ladder broke the middle wood of the ladder ‘kraaa’! I just didn’t want neighbours to see her enter through the front gate; my neighbours are only ‘catchers of girlfriends’ but not proper thieves.

So in order not to make any noise for Mr. Agyin and his family to hear, I asked her to put together 3 blocks of cement and jump bcos the wooden ladder could not withstand her weight! OMG! She jumped and landed from the top of the wall into the compound gbish! And come and see and neighbours screaming: ‘Ewi oo Ewii oo’’ Thief Thief’. I was confused and decided to join them in shouting ‘thief thief thief’ under pretence and quickly dragged her into the kitchen to be hidden’ under some cabinets. Of course, I didn’t want her to be seen.

People came around behind the wall bcos it was around 12.30 dawn. Mr. Agyin now called from outside: ‘Bra Mawuli, where has the thief passed?’ I responded that ‘he’ has run away! Apparently, it was a planned thing against me by my neighbours. Unknown to me, they have been seeing me ‘import’ nice ladies through the back door.

Apuu, you think any neighbor would genuinely come to your rescue when you are under attack at night? Keep dreaming!

All the neighbours who came around were discussing among themselves how lucky the thief was or else ‘he’ would have seen pepper!

You won’t believe moments after that while the people were gossiping about the ‘thief’ and dispersing, the idi*t’s phone rang and she picked it and the neighbours heard her talking on the phone la. Surprised, Akua Maame asked me in a rather sarcastically suspicious tone, ‘Ei Bra Mawuli, is your wife back? Abeg, let’s close here because I don’t remember how I answered the question.

Then I don’t know where this other one around that same time came from. She had spent a night at home with me before and knowing my wife had travelled again, she decided to visit unannounced. Guess where she passed – the main gate where ‘everybody’ was told not to use because of konkonsa people. She knocked on the gate so hard and hmmmm! God is merciful. What if there was a clash? Thanks for the weight of Ablavi. What if in spending the night, a lady dies suddenly out of any medical condition? Would I have considered my family’s vacation a joy or a tragic mistake? One of the things I hate most is to try to explain things I could have avoided. Anything can happen o especially if the witches and wizards of your hometown collaborate with your neighbours and work colleagues to ‘do’ you. Abeg, witches, and wizards are nowhere o; they are in our wicked thoughts and hearts and the consequences, we blame on them!


Happy weekend and enjoy life while it lasts o because life is so short. Sh3din, my brother and let’s keep praying for our friends and families, even strangers! I will try not to be sad because it won’t change anything! This life; the next minute is not promised so enjoy every moment of it now especially not reading ‘useless’ things like this write-up that is full of lies and would not stress you. Didn’t you know that the worst form of disrespect you can ever have for your wife is to bring another lady home to ‘wash for you’ when your wife is away on holidays? Why do some of you always believe in true lies? Haaba!

Let’s laugh into the weekend o but socially distant o. the thing is real! Go and bury your dead and dead privately and stop keeping them in the morgue because of nsaawa! Do it privately and send us your momo numbers. Besides it has never been an exciting time for me to attend funerals and pay nsaawa on top so momo will do – in a distance!

Stay Safe!

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