By Naa Dedei COLEMAN
I did not intend to write about this, but it’s been gnawing at me all day. I had contracted a vendor to do a job at my home. The nature of this job meant he would literally walk through my home in its entirety. He arrived earlier than the time he had communicated. I was not pleased, but the job needed to be gotten out of the way, so it was just as well.
After he had completed whatever, he needed to do, he asked if I had kids or a husband. The insensitivity of Ghanaians in general to ask questions like that never fails to throw me off. Obviously, he would have noticed, that there were only walled photos of myself, and some people and no wedding photos of some man and me.
As irritated as I was by his asking of the question, I chose class over crass and replied that I was childless and unmarried. I could see the wheels turning in his head, but I was also intrigued by what the motivation for asking the question was. I quietly watched and read him. A decently dressed man who took his work seriously enough to arrive early.
He wore a titanium wedding band, which I figured, meant he’d been married within the last decade, and he was a man who took time with his appearance. I suppose if your job required you to go into people’s homes or businesses with full access, you would be careful with how you presented yourself. This way you earned their confidence and trust.
He asked two follow up questions; how old I was and if I was Christian. Again, the fact he didn’t realize that those were personal questions or maybe he did but there was something he felt compelled to tell me. I answered.
He winced when I confirmed I was over 40. Then he asked if I wanted to get married? My default response of “It’s no business of yours” was on the tip on my tongue, yet I calmy replied that if its God’s will for me why not.
A non-committal response nonetheless and, he said it is every woman’s destiny to be married and have children’. He further cited Gifty Anti as an example of how she previously expressed pride in her independence and fierce defense of her being unmarried in her 40s.
I realized he winced at my age because he felt sorry for me, saddened even because he may have thought I probably had set high unrealistic standards where men were concerned which in his view explained my singledom hence my doom.
Yes, I am unmarried, yes, I am childless and yes, I am over 40. The triage of doom it seems for women. I am not attempting to defend my life and where its at.
This is more about the interrogation into the long-held idea that Every Woman must marry least she remains incomplete. In this moment at this time, my life is a mirror of how I envisaged it would be when I dreamed at 18. The Life for a woman is more complex than marriage and children.
It’s an unending journey of finding self-worth, of finding a seat at the table hitherto full of men, it’s a about finding your voice in cacophony of opinions of what your role in life should be.
It’s about unlearning truths about oneself, it’s about living beyond past traumas, it’s about hopelessly trying to find the balance of being a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, it’s about making choices that may sometimes put you at a disadvantage, it’s about finding hope in love again when your heart’s been tempered with, it’s about living your truth.
That truth reveals itself differently. For some, it could be marriage and children and that’s all there is. That’s all they dream and hope for. I, like many women out there over 40 and unmarried and doing well at whatever ventures they’ve committed their lives to, find satisfaction in their lives.
I imagine that in our private moments we wonder who will take care of us in old age, of course it does not matter that in life God’s plan does not always make sense to our human mind, yet it works perfectly.
If the pinnacle of a woman’s worth is judged by the success of marriage and children, then many a woman have certainly lost it.
Marriage is good and beautiful I guess, when you have the right person for you. That person might come your way in your 20s, 30s and yes even in your 40s. I find that when it’s not time, don’t rush it.
The primitive idea that because a woman is unmarried and childless by age 40, life must come to a standstill is an unnecessary pressure. It presupposes that all the other blessings that a woman might have in other areas of her life does not matter and God must be held accountable for that one elusive unanswered prayer.
Doesn’t the Bible admonish us to be thankful In All circumstances? Doesn’t the Bible tell us that one who is diligent in small things, that person is likely to be diligent in bigger things? Doesn’t the Bible also say that man plans his way, but God directs his steps? Ya, the path might be misunderstood, but the most important thing is being on the path.
Being Unmarried and over 40 is not a season of doom. We are not a doomed demographic. We may be late bloomers but not an endangered species.
It’s high time society stops putting women in pre-determined category of expectations. If a woman, however old, decides to not marry whatever her reasons, she must be left alone. She must not be subjected to slander and inappropriate inquisitions by supposed concerned people.
Same way, a woman must be free to declare her choice to remain childless even if she is married. Not every woman can have children or carry a child. Most are apprehensive about adoption (a complex issue here) or surrogacy (which is in its infancy in this part of the world).
I know my view is contradictory, which is fine. We are different people. If we shared the same view, what would be there to debate about.
