By Mawuli ZOGBENU
I met a prophet at church last Sunday. That was my first encounter with a fake prophet la. People say it but I never believe o. Ask me how I got to know. He told my wife in my presence that she is the luckiest woman on earth because ‘from what he has seen in the spiritual realm, her husband Mawuli has never cheated on her, so she should take good care of me’.
Come and see the look on my face, as if I should protest and correct him but I ended up saying ‘Amen’ to the Halleluyah chorus that erupted in the church auditorium. What a prophecy!
It looks like it is only in Ghana that private cars appreciate in value, with time o. I bought a car in 2008 at GHC11,000; I sold it last week at GHC30,000! I don’t know how this magic happens but that is what happened la. The lady who bought it paid an initial amount of GHC18,000. The last GHC12,000 payment was received just this morning. I went with her to use the ATM card.
First she inserted the card into the machine and withdrew it before inserting it again; she explained to me that sometimes for security reasons, there is the need to do that. I have not used an ATM before so I just admired how she did it. Oh it was nice seeing an ATM card being inserted.
She pushed it into the machine and punched something kpin kpin kpin and money came out piaaaa! She now taught me how to insert ATM card into ATM machines such that it penetrates very well but advised I should make sure there is enough money in my account before I do so otherwise the machine will say: ‘Insufficient Funds’. Ei white people sabi do things paa; they can make you save money in a wall! God bless you, Korshi Broni. At least I have learnt something new and that is: ‘How to insert…an ATM card! So what were you thinking? Bud mind! Efo Susubribri!
This coming Sunday is a close friend’s birthday. I don’t know how to buy gifts for people o. I prefer giving money instead. The last time I bought an under something something for my wife as a surprise, I got it wrong. The size of the waist was the same as the sizes for the thighs. I know she insulted me in her head even though I heard her remark: “this is nice”. What is nice? The jokoto I bought for her or the thought behind the gift!
This Sunday I will go and booze at my friend’s house roff! After that I will pass by the Westhills Mall and use ATM to collect money from a wall!
Just imagine your salary had just been paid and you went to give yourself a treat at PenPinski! Just before you start eating, a call comes through from Ablavi and it goes like:‘Baby, I need to see you! We have to talk o. What time would you close from work; it’s urgent o’. Then at this point you want to know why she wants to see you as she keeps you sweating and on urge.
Then you begin to feel uneasy and ask: ‘Ablavi, give me an idea as to why you think we should meet so urgently; just give me a gist’. Then she replies: ‘Baby, I can’t say everything on phone but we urgently need to meet; hmmmm! ‘Are you alright’, you quiz further and she replies: ‘well, …hmmm, you, when we meet’. As you insist she gives you a gist, she sets you thinking about your worst fears: ‘I have not been feeling well in the past 4 days and went to the clinic today that’s why we need to meet’.
Several questions will begin to spring in your mind in no particular order at this point: has she missed her period? Eish! If that is the case, at least, here you have some control and ‘remedial’ measures and in the worst case scenario, you get a baby and have to face your own wife sooner or later and bear the unpredictable unpleasant consequences. You go dey explain taya. The worst part is to explain to your wife ‘it was an accident’. Accident? How do these kinds of accidents happen?
There is nothing as depressing as a side chic in ‘this state’ who refuses to ‘clear’, I am told. Clear what? You won’t ask? What if she agrees but dies in the process? At this point, if care is not taken, you may be tempted to discuss it with your wife because chances that you may go to police is high and the shame you can bring to your family is immeasurable. Anything can happen o, yooo. As for me, I keep telling and advising myself.
The other fear fear question you would begin to ask yourself: ‘or maybe she went to do HIV test and… ei or? Ala! At this point, only God can tell if you would still continue to have appetite for that food!
Extra marital affairs and the stress and wahala they can bring you er! You have no idea! I think every man should cheat small and feel the stress that goes with it, after which nobody will advise you to stop. Sometimes this side-chic ‘jamboree’ is to unnecessarily get ‘help’ from outside but does it really solve a problem? Hope you know about the cobra-effect where you create more problems while solving a problem! I don’t know why we men don’t like peace of mind koraa like that.
Don’t be careful o, yoo. We often forget that SIN FASCINATES AND ASSASINATES’! I won’t advise you to STOP because the moment you stop, it means me too I have to stop and I will stop. Bros, I have to say this because she is reading this even though I said nobody should read!
It’s weekend again and pockets are getting some way and some of us have started getting angry at nothing. Just this morning, a driver recklessly crossed me at Kwashieman and I nearly ran into him. Angry, I made sure I drove closer to him just to insult him. Indeed my derogatory insult of some very bad words coincided with his raising of both hands to apologise. I felt so awful and bad and wish I had the opportunity to apologise to him but he was gone and I was there but gone.
I am still unable to forgive myself. Sometimes it’s important to have some restraint when people provoke you. You can never tell what people are going through. If people should tell you the problems they are carrying er, you would thank God for yours! Until then, you would think your problem is the biggest in the whole universe. God forgive us and give us patience to react slowly!
The last time I went to see a medical doctor over the fact that I am unable to sleep at night, he asked me a question: ‘Do you owe the bank’ and I said YES. Then he came with a prescription: ‘Take another loan to go and clear the old one; at least you can sleep better for a few months before they start deduction of the new loan.
At least it would give you some respite for a little while before you have difficulty in sleeping again’. He continued: ‘But I can guarantee you that you would never know peace once you continue taking or living on loans. Can’t you manage your little salary or save small small? Loans enslave you while savings empower you’. Don’t think about it; just go and take a loan! ‘Useless advice’ indeed!
It was this same doctor that told me to stop taking too much salt and that it is not good for sleep and bedmatics. Really? Let me ask you o, if you owe a financial institution, your children have been sacked from school for owing school fees, can you sleep let alone think about jumping on your wife? To do what? Don’t waste your time o, Sammy. Stop blaming innocent salt; the real causes are internal external and you have very little or no control so long as you continue to take loans to solve problems (remember the cobra-effect).
Sometimes I wonder why a 26-year old lady would call a 47-year old man: ‘Baby’! Ei! Hmmm! There is no enterprise in the world that has more vocabulary than edwaman: Honey, Bae, Apple of my heart, the heartbeat – they are marketing tools to make sure you sin well especially if you are not legally married! Ajeeish! Looks like I am advising myself here o. Indeed you give the best advice when it is not your situation. If in doubt, ask a ‘guinea pick’.
Have a great weekend and remember to support a bereaved family when you happen to be at a funeral this weekend. Your presence alone is not enough especially if you have to eat jollof and drink malt on it without contributing anything to the bereaved person(s). Some of us like that thing aaaaama! Go and contribute! Bye byeeeee!
