“Friendship doubles joy and halves grief.” – African proverb
There are times when we find ourselves in the company of family, friends and colleagues who are faced with huge challenges, and we struggle with what to say to them.
What do you say to a friend who has been diagnosed with a terminal disease? On a lighter note, what do you say to a colleague who misses out on a promotion they have been working towards for years? Often, saying “I’m sorry” just seems so inadequate. It feels more like you are glossing over their suffering, than empathising.
What could possibly be adequate? Are there magical quotes we can say that can make their suffering go away? Of course not. Sometimes we even make their suffering worse by trying to explain it away, especially with pre-packaged religious examples.
Our intentions might be genuine, and our hearts might be in the right place, but attempting to explain why their challenges might have come about is akin to minimizing whatever they are going through and indirectly telling them to get on with life.
After all, if one can generate a sound reason, then there is nothing to worry about, is there? Let us be honest, that attitude is only an avenue to us to feel better about ourselves, but it is insulting to those who are in the swirl of suffering.
How then do we best show our support for those close to us and experiencing challenging times of their lives? The best support we can offer is to acknowledge the challenges they are going through, stand by them or spend time with them without offering an answer to or a reason for their suffering. We must learn to be uncomfortable with our silence while we stand by their side, and when we walk with them through their anguish. It might not be easy; it is a means that allows us to empathise, to take on a certain measure of suffering for ourselves. That does not mean their suffering will be transferred to us. It will not, but it will help ease the suffering of others.
We must also learn to offer practical assistance such as helping those suffering with their daily tasks, providing financial support if we can, or offering them food, shelter, among others. Addressing the practical needs of those who suffer is an essential aspect of compassionate care.
It shows our thoughtfulness and more importantly it signals that you are there for them. It is an attitude that helps to foster hope and resilience in those who are suffering. Our support empowers them to recognise they are not alone, and this grants them an inner strength to persevere. Sometimes, those little sacrifices are so empowering they help them to grow and become better individuals.
Suffering is an intimately personal concept. It cannot be transferred. But when we learn to empathise, when we learn to ask why together with those who are in it, their burden becomes lighter. In our efforts to help others, we need to acknowledge that suffering or being overwhelmed with challenges is a critical theme in life.
Much has been written about its inevitability and rather than viewing it as a meaningless burden, we must accept it and encourage others to see it as an inescapable part of the human condition. It comes in many forms – physical pain, emotional distress, existential angst, and spiritual desolation.
It is a fundamental aspect of our existence that must be confronted. Interestingly, there are many ‘experts’ especially religious people out there who often attempt to trivialize it by intellectualizing it into a theological system. Their attitude smirks of “talk is cheap.”
Challenges and suffering is still one of the mysteries in this life that we will never fully understand, but it is one of those concepts in life that often brings about a heightened sense of self-awareness. In our moments of pain or distress, we are confronted with our vulnerabilities and limitations.
We observe how fragile life is and can be, and this awareness, for many of us strips away the illusions of self-sufficiency and control we have imagined we had and reveals our deeper need for a higher being who can guarantee us meaning and probably console us.
Suffering often brings us face-to-face with our limitations and the transient nature of the material world, prompting us to seek a deeper, more lasting source of meaning and comfort. Unlike animals, we cannot “put down” a person when they are in pain. Our best option is to make it redemptive.
That is why the answer to suffering will always be an experience of love, and that love can only be given by others. Those others are you and I. We must always be ready and willing to walk the road with those who suffer, for they are likely to be the ones who will walk with us when the tables turn on us…
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Kodwo Brumpon is an executive coach at Polygon Oval, a forward-thinking Pan African management consultancy and social impact firm driven by data analytics, with a focus on understanding the extraordinary potential and needs of organisations and businesses to help them cultivate synergies, that catapults into their strategic growth, and certifies their sustainability.
Comments, suggestions, and requests for talks and training should be sent to him at [email protected]
