Useless column: Weddings on high demand

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Mawuli Zogbenu

I have done my quantitatively qualitative research and have come to a conclusion that one of the main causes of marital breakdowns is the colours couples declare when inviting people to their wedding ceremonies. They would often let you know the colours that would make the event click.

‘Cockroach brown with elephant mouth odour green’. ‘Deep blue sea black with goat fat yellow colour’. ‘Pebble stone white with watermelon seed cream colour’. In fact, until you are invited to weddings, you would have no idea the number of colours we have in the world.

Weytin be the problem? You end up confusing the marriage from the beginning. Imagine being told the colours for the wedding is ‘leopard black and white with zebra crossing flavor and tiger oil mango colour’! How can that marriage be calm and peaceful?

My friend, blue and white or pink and ash are just okay. Don’t go telling people the colour of your wedding is ‘smoked manboro cigarette ash! How? Ohhh! If you want to marry, marry and stop introducing those colours such as ‘snake green colour and lizard-like cassava mauve’ to have a simple life with your spouse!

How many of us have noticed that in the last quarter of 2020, wedding invitations were just uncountable? In fact, the ‘demands’ were high! There was a rush for weddings. I just couldn’t understand! Weddings here, weddings there and woe unto you if you failed to honour the invitation of a close friend. At some point funerals were also ‘closing shops’ before 2020 came to an end. I would often keep my white dress (meant for weddings) in my car and wear black to the funeral. From the funeral, I would park and hide somewhere and change into white, for the weddings.

Also in December, outdooring and naming ceremonies be what! I couldn’t count. People who took advantage of the lockdown that took effect from March 2020 started reaping the seeds they had sown and harassing man with invitations to the ‘harvest’ ceremonies.

In all of these, the painful thing was that observing COVID-19 protocols became a choice and hardly would you see people wearing face masks at such functions. You get to the whatsapp statuses of your friends and all you see are videos of ‘unprotected’ weddings and funerals.

The way I am happy there is a restriction on weddings er, you have no idea.

Courtesy COVID-19 at some point my wife and the kids travelled outside Accra. I was working from home. Ei am I just hearing that ebola is also trying to do some things again? Alla! Lord God have mercy on us. So it’s true that ‘problem no dey finish’? Hmmm! House sweet roff!

I was sure by the time she returns with the kids, the konkonsa people  in my area will ‘start work’. They are likely to be giving synoptic accounts of the different different ladies entering and getting out of the house at night. Bcos of that I organised a small wooden ladder behind the wall at the back of my house. There is no street light there so it was easy to do ‘crime’. I would arrange where the ladies would jump straight down from the wall on to the compound after climbing the ladder. Often when the slim ones jump and land, no shaky; you would hardly hear any sounds. But the fat ones? Alla! All the rats in the house would run for fear of a tsunami. For the fat ones, all you would hear is ‘gboooom’! Please who is that saying I should rather have said ‘plump’ lady instead of ‘fat’? You see why we keep deceiving ourselves? ‘Calling a spade a big spoon’ has been our major problem in this part of the world.

I love ‘plus size’ ladies but the ‘minus size’ ones, hmmm! My wife is plus plus and anytime she gets me upset, she knows what to do. She would just take a shower and walk in front of me in the bedroom with a short towel around her waist just like that and, as usual, bend down as if to pick something from under the bed! Aish! At that point, I forgive her immediately!

It is one of the reasons I don’t think I can easily forgive my wife if she is a slim lady and I get upset with her. What would she have to show for it for me to enable me forgive her? For some other men, that is what makes them also forgive their slim spouses. We should just learn to know our tastes so we can forgive, that’s all. But honestly, fat ladies are beautiful and sexy and they happen to be my Achilles Heels! Kw33333!

Back to what I was saying. Those ladies who came to my house in the absence of my family would climb the ladder and jump the wall on to the compound of the house zelem! I would then open the kitchen door at the back and they would enter through the kitchen borkorr (stealthily at tip-toe) and no one would hear the squeaking sound of the door hinges mpo. I got know about this strategy from the way I heard thieves enter our houses; they often enter your house at night through kitchen doors and hardly would any one notice. Abeg, get stronger security doors and locks for your kitchen o, yoo.

Ablavi, the super fat one and I planned her entry through the kitchen door at the back and the idea was that she was going to spend the night with me for ‘prayers’. ‘Praying without scissors nau’. Hahaaa! You know because I like ‘large’ ladies like Ablavi, I easily fall when they walk in front of me shaking shaking shaking! Wearing some obroni wewu jeans trousers, Ablavi’s first attempt at climbing the ladder broke the middle wood of the ladder ‘kraaa’! I just didn’t want neighbours to see her enter through the front gate; my neighbours are only ‘catchers of girlfriends’.

So in order not to make any noise for Mr Agyin and his family to hear, I asked her to put together 3 blocks of cement and jump bcos the wooden ladder could not support her weight! OMG! She jumped and landed from the top of the wall into the compound gbish! And come and see and neighbours screaming: ‘Ewi oo Ewii oo’’Thief Thief’. I was confused and decided to join them in shouting ‘thief thief thief’ too under pretence and quickly dragged her into the kitchen to be hidden’ under some cabinets. Of course, I didn’t want her to be seen.

People came around behind the wall bcos it was around 12.30 dawn. Mr Agyin now called from outside: ‘Bra Mawuli, where has the thief passed?’ I responded that ‘he’ has ran away! Apparently, it was a planned thing against me by my neighbours. Unknown to me, they have been seeing me ‘import’ ladies through the back door.

Apuu, you think any neighbor would genuinely come to your rescue when you are under attack at night? Keep dreaming!

All the neighbours who came around were discussing among themselves how lucky the thief was or else ‘he’ would have seen pepper!

You won’t believe moments after that while the people were gossiping about the ‘thief’ and dispersing, the idi*t’s phone rang and she picked it and the neighbours heard her talking on phone la. Surprised, Akua Maame asked me in a rather sarcastically suspicious tone, ‘Ei Bra Mawuli, is your wife back? Abeg, let’s end this matter here it is beginning to look to me as if this February is becoming longer than the last January.

Then I don’t know where this other lady, Konklo around that same time came from. She had spent a night at home with me before and knowing my wife had travelled again, she decided to visit unannounced. Some of these ones can give real trouble and men know yet…hmmm! Guess where she passed – the main gate where ‘everybody’ was told not to use because of konkonsa people. She knocked on the gate so hard and hmmmm! God is merciful. What if there was a clash? Thanks for the weight of Ablavi.

I started reasoning: what if in spending the night with me, an ‘illegal’ lady dies suddenly out of any medical condition? Would I have considered my family’s vacation a joy or a tragic mistake? One of the things I hate most is to try to explain things I could have avoided. Anything can happen o especially if the witches and wizards of your hometown collaborate with your neighbours and work colleagues to ‘do’ you. Abeg, witches and wizards are nowhere o; they are in our wicked thoughts and hearts and the consequences, we blame on them!

Indeed, SIN FASCINATES AND ASSASINATES!

Didn’t you know that the worst form of disrespect you can ever have for your wife is to bring another lady home to ‘wash for you’ when your wife is away on holidays? Why do some of you always believe in true lies? Haaba!

COVID is real! Protect everyone around you including yourself!

Stay safe!

SOURCEthebftonline.com
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