Useless Column: The Fetish Pastor

Useless Column: The Fetish Pastor
Mawuli Zogbenu

Ooooohhhh, tomorrow is Saturday and I have to see my jujuman. He is so good he gave super glue to my grandmother as eye drops! Simple – my grandmother can see very clearly now especially at the Awudome cemetery! Hmmm! The things that people can do and still expect our ignorance to take the better part of us can be amazing. Don’t some people go places? If I said I am going to see my jujuman to finish all the wall geckos in my room, what crime have I committed making me look like I am the worst man on earth, er? The fact that some of you don’t show it does not mean you are pure and don’t have wall geckos in your rooms o. Meboa? Hahahahahaha!

It’s Fridayyyyyyy and tomorrow no wedding invitation yet. If you are lucky you have some of your salary left, thank God for there were some who never even got salary due to joblessness but are still thankful.

Dr. Rafique Daudi shared this story with me regarding gratitude and self-discipline:

The cock tells the guinea fowl: ‘Chief, I want to be like you so I can fly as high as you do’. ‘The guinea fowl replies: ‘It is not a problem at all; there are a few conditions: 1. You must be prepared to do what I do: eat what I eat, and show gratitude. If you continue to eat anything after which you scratch your beak on the ground as if you have not eaten anything, showing a sign of ingratitude, you would remain down here’. Do you still want to be like me? Then be disciplined and show gratitude. When you go to the Mole National Park and observe the watorg (bush pig) chewing grass, it kneels down as a sign of humility and appreciation to God for the food. Human beings? We stand and eat and drink and wipe our mouths and go our somewhere. The reason some of village folks will say: ‘when you help a human being, take a receipt’. God is not asking us for receipt; all He wants from us is GRATITUDE even when things are not going our way. Haven’t you noticed that there are things you have not prayed for but God has given them to you for free? For example, you can read this because God has given you eye sight to read. Did you ask for clear eye sight to be able to read this? God never fails! Just trust and obey! Finish!    

Ehern I was somewhere last weekend for a funeral and surprised at how culture is changing. It was about the tomb in which the dead was buried. Standing quite close to where the burial was taking place, I noticed that after the casket was lowered into the precast concrete tomb, there were carpenters and masons readily available. They did not pour sand on to the casket o; they just covered the tomb with wood and iron rods prepared by steel benders. They put the iron rods beam on to the wood and started the concrete on top. As curious as I can sometimes be, I asked if it is a new technology that they had adopted and they said for some time now, that is how they have been burying their dead such that sand would never touch the coffin. Without wanting to go into detail, I think it wasn’t a bad technology and wished I knew this earlier so it could have been used to bury my father when poverty killed him in 1994! Anyway, next time Uncle Ganyaglo dies again, that is what I will ask the family to do!

Like I was saying in this confused column, I met one such half jujuman and half church pastor. I don’t know which one to believe. We bumped into each other at Odorna, near the clinic. Immediately the following conversation ensued:

Me: Sorry, Sir please I am looking for the place where I can buy car battery.

Fetish Pastor: Oh good but before I do that I can just see what is about to befall you

Me: Really?

Fetish Pastor: Yes, your father died some years back but your mother is still alive. She falls sick today and tomorrow she is fine or she is fine today and tomorrow she’s sick.

At this point the man succeeded in grabbing my attention to the extent that I forgot about the car battery. Everything he said was ‘true’, abi?

My expression of amazement emboldened him to continue telling me ‘the useless truth’

Fetish Pastor: You got a visa to travel to Canada next week Friday but please don’t go because the plane will crash.

At this point I realized though his first tricks worked on me, this one was a fiasco.

Me: Visa?, I exclaimed

Fetish Pastor: Yes, visa to Canada

Me: But I don’t even have a passport

Fetish Pastor: Massa, give me some 2 cedis for koko and stop the too known thing! I am only referring to a spiritual visa which will come later, God willing.

Ei, I wanted to narrate the following about myself but if I say it, you would think I am bad even though I know it’s true so I will use my best friend, Sammy as if he is the one. Hahahahahai…my Amega, how be you? Another stubborn reader of this column. When you told me last night that Ayi, your Mechanic had died, I couldn’t sleep. Hope you know why. He was owing me money, in fact a refund of a useless spare part he bought to fix my motor cycle. When Ayi was alive, anytime I wanted to go for my money, I procrastinated with the hope that after all, I can get him anytime. Yes oo, procrastination and the kind of implications it has on our everyday lives!

Where was I mpo? Yes yes yes. Sammy went to see a jujuman to help him eject his troublesome tenant who pounds fufu every Sunday but refuses to share it with him. Worse of all is the fact that his tenant has been disturbing him with loud speakers blasting out reggae music making it difficult for him to sleep. According to him, nothing annoys him more than reggae music composed by some ‘whor goan reggae artistes!

This was the conversation that ensued between my friend Sammy and the jujuman:

Jujuman: I know the problem you have come to consult me about; yes your landlord is envying you because your business is doing well

Sammy: I see. So what should I do since, I am not a tenant but a landlord

Jujuman: Yes, I mean your tenant is envying you so be careful.

Sammy: So what should I do?

Jujuman: Call the police for him

Sammy: How?

Jujuman: tell the police he is a thief and they will eject him

Sammy: But he is not a thief; he works as a Secretary to the Retired Pensioners Association at Haatso

Jujuman: then ask him to build his own house

Sammy: But he is a retiree and doesn’t make enough to enable him build a house

Jujuman: Ok, that’s where the problem is; he does not see why at his age, he’s still a tenant and you as young as you are, you are his landlord so he would finish you by all means. Call the police.

Unconvinced by the way the man was going about his ‘diagnosis’, Sammy just kept quiet for a few minutes and the man kept talking…about nothing. Sammy is now a Reverend Minister. To God be the glory! Darkness can never outshine light!

Looks like I am talking too much today o, or? When a talkative tells you that ‘you talk too much’, abeg, it means you really can talk and he is indirectly telling you a establishing a radio station and being the producer, host, presenter all by yourself won’t be a bad idea! I won’t talk again sef!

Happy weekend and let the FEAR OF GOD be your GUIDE and any mishap headed your way by the enemy will disappear and enter the sea in Jesus’ name I pray! Amen!

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