The Attitude Lounge by Kodwo Brumpon: On becoming a lover

The Attitude Lounge by Kodwo Brumpon: Today is not Yesterday
Kodwo Brumpon is a management consultant and a life coach who inspires individuals, groups and corporate bodies

“If there is character, ugliness becomes beauty: if there is none, beauty becomes ugliness.” – Nigerian proverb 

It is February, and somewhere around the middle of this month we will be called to celebrate love, to express what that notion means to us. But how much of a lover are you? A seer, who had interacted with all kinds of people and travelled many lands and appreciated different cultures, was asked what quality in our humanity he had discovered everywhere he had gone.

He replied: “All of life is about relationships; but every single person desires an intimate relationship with some other person, so that they can pour the best of themselves out on the world”. In a nutshell, we have a tendency to love; we want to become lovers. We may not fully understand why we are like that, but the fact we have this tendency demands we work hard at it.

The quest for love is an interior journey. It is a quest to bring out the treasure of wonderfulness inside you. And it is a quest very different from our everyday existential striving. It is a desire to find the divine within you. Sadly, quite the majority among us have buried this desire beneath the customs and opinions of our communities and societies. It is no secret that we often cut down on our good deeds, when we experience disappointment and rejection. It is an attitude that constrains us to think and act in ways which strangely prevent us from being who we really ought to be – lovers.

We all know, deep down in the depths of our hearts, we are unique and will only live once or pass through this life singularly. Which means we will not have another opportunity to ever show our wonderfulness if we fail to do that while alive. Thus, the question we should be asking ourselves is: do we have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within? This is the quest of the self, and it is considered to be one of the greatest and most fertile existential challenges. It is also one many of us shy away from.

Interestingly, we do that because the majority of people are afraid to stand out. We say we are wonderful, yet we do not want to be unique. How that adds up is something only magic can solve. It is probably the reason many of us believe in magic. We just want to snap our fingers, shout ‘abracadabra’ and life will simply become beautiful. Well, even magicians have to learn the secrets of creating illusions to be able to entertain their crowds.

This brings us to the point where we know for a fact that we have to work on ourselves if we desire to have sentimental relationships with others. If we want to become lovers, we need to bring out the wonderfulness in ourselves. This can be likened to a call to unplug yourself from the matrix, to step off the highway and carve a new path through unexplored territories. After all, lovers are always adventurous and a little crazy in the eyes of non-lovers. And since research after research has revealed to us that just the thought of unplugging oneself from the matrix or steeping into the unknown is scary enough to prevent many from ever daring to take such an action, it is not surprising there are not many lovers in our society.

Too many of us fear the backlash from our families and friends, who are deeply plugged into the non-loving matrix and demand conventionality so that the system will continue working. We know they hate individuals who cause ripples in the system from probably witnessing how they dissuade others, and even employ persecution, to keep others conforming to existing customs of the matrix – hence, our fears.

But how many times have you questioned the basis of your fear, which is often just an unwillingness to disappoint those around you with a different aspiration. You are not a lover and you are not yourself because you do not want to do the hard work of making others understand the truth – what swells inside you is more exciting than all that swelling outside of you. We are often lazier than timid.

Love is a whole lot of work. For starters, before you can ever love another person, you need first to love yourself. This means you need to know with certainty ‘who you are’, so that you can appreciate others and be able to pour your wonderfulness on them. Self-discovery is difficult journey. It means you have to step out of your existing comfort zone or unplug yourself from the matrix. It will come with a certain amount of difficulties, but they are difficulties you have to embrace if you truly want to find yourself. Love is a beautiful concept that can only be appreciated with a certain depth of wonderfulness. Are you wonderful enough to do that?


Kodwo Brumpon is an author, a life coach and a philanthropist who inspires individuals, groups and organisations to think and feel that which is true, by helping them positively respond to that which is beautiful is while nudging them to let goodness govern their actions.

Comments, suggestions and requests should be sent to him at [email protected]

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