Useless Column: What Does Mosquito Eat?

When the snake was celebrating ‘his’ birthday, ‘his’ best friend, the crab gave ‘him’ a waist belt as a birthday gift. What do you think the snake will give to ‘his’ best friend the crab when ‘he’, the crab is also celebrating ‘his’ birthday? Please don’t think about it but don’t tell me it is a cap! But you can be sure that inasmuch as the snake has waist pains, the crab also has headaches, sometimes!

When you are driving a second hand car on a rough road and you are speeding faster than the one who is driving a brand new car of the same model, don’t ever think your car is alatsa but can run faster than a brand new car o or that you are such a great formula one driver o, yoo. The probability that there is a pregnant woman or a sleeping baby in that brand new car or a boil on the right leg of the driver is high! It is the same way that when the engine of a car is about to be ‘weak’, the car runs faster to its last speedometer according to Aki and Porpor. Ei those two macho characters, are they still there?

I just admired the way they used to play their roles together as ‘partners, often in crime’. Aki comes out with a plan well thought-through, Porpor disagrees, then they modify the plan and then end it with: ‘Aki, you are right’. When they hatch a mischievous plan against you, they would execute it to the letter! Not just that o, they would find a way to let you know that they are the ones responsible for your predicaments. Don’t I just miss ‘MR IBU PARTS 1 & 2! Great and talented actors they were. I can’t forget GREEN SNAKE featuring the duo and Nkiru Sylvanus! Awwwww!

Awww Naija movie producers. Awesome! In producing a movie, if they realize it is becoming too long against their budget, they’d just end it abruptly with the following end credits: ‘And Okechuku got another job and his ex-wife , Fumi returned but it was too late because the new wife, Ayor  did not accept the old one back….To God be the Glory’ Finish! No need for part 2!

Life has been treacherous with me this month but life must go on. …and that is the reality of life. I told you I lost my elder brother, Kenu on Friday August 9th and his wife, Martina died this Monday August 19, 2019. Indeed my late Sister-in-Law was part of the funeral planning committee for her late husband when we met last Sunday and she was very healthy. She joined her husband on Tuesday so I am burying two professional teachers – my brother and his wife! Life insurance especially funeral policies are important oooo, yooo!

I would only pretend to be happy though I am not but how for do – my sad mood won’t change anything!

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Do you remember how recently at the Airport a military van had parked somewhere briefly and what these clamping guys whose ears have been ‘cocked’ the moment they are engaged and stationed at the airport had done? They would not listen to any plea. Once they have clamped your car, you are finished. Even if your wife is in labour and you don’t have money to pay a fine, you lie bad. They clamped this military vehicle but didn’t wait for the driver of the car to come for him to be fined. After the clamping, they disappeared from the scene and left the padlock key by the clamped car for the owner of the car to come open it himself. They should have waited. Who say man no dey! E bi every car you for clamp?

If you knew you could not wait to fine this man, why clamp his car in the first place? Or maybe they are just used to clamping cars! I heard one of them recently clamped his own car at home just bcos he was on leave and was not getting any car to clamp! Anyway that is what happens when work becomes a hobby and a part of you! What I don’t understand is that sometimes not that you have parked at the wrong place and left the car unattended mpo oo, but when you are even in the car and the aircondition is on nyafuuuuu, they will still clamp! What crime! I support the clamping of vehicles at unauthorized places but the abuse of clamping….ah!

Sadly on my way home from the airport, a certain police man too came and annoyed me! I was driving my driving and this police man stopped me at Dzorwulu junction area. He asked me to park and come down. I came down and his charge was that I was not wearing my seatbelt. I disagreed with him because he didn’t have evidence. If you’ve asked me to get down from my car, I don’t think you expect me to come down with the seatbelt hanging on me. After I had ‘won’ the case, he asked for cola so I can drive off. Fortunately, I had some half bitter cola (michi goro) in my car and gave it to him and his remarks were: ‘God ponish you’ and he threw it back at me and that he didn’t actually mean cola but what can be used in exchange of cola! What is it? Me I don’t know oo. Hahaa!

For those reading this abstract which puts no fuel in your car, please don’t be like me o and be doing the opposite of what you have been asked not to do o. it’s called the ‘law of reverse psychology’. I still remember when I was a child my mum would send me and give me both positive and negative instructions. She will be like: ‘go and buy me meat, garden eggs, green pepper and maggi. I already have eggs, tomatoes and lemon so don’t buy these ones’ but you know the interesting thing? The ones she said she already has are the ones that I would buy and forget the ones that I should actually buy. I was not spared for these offences until I asked her not to tell me what not to buy again but should just tell me what exactly I should buy and that was it!

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The first time I saw him in person was some time in 2010 at Lashibi. I was by the road side buying something when all of a sudden I heard vehicles honking and passers-by cheering. What was it ah, it was General Mosquito wearing a very large smock (fugu) with cross sandals. He was seen getting down from his car and the traffic jammed. I was surprised padiman has fans like that perhaps because of his humorous manner in which he reacts to issues juxtaposed with his ‘huge’ size. I wonder what he eats o. Cholesterol-free! Hahaaaa!

I recall an interview in which he was alleged to be ‘growing fat’ since his party came to power’. Prior to the interview on one of the radio stations, expectations from the public was so high as to how he was going to react to the ‘serious allegation’ typical of many politicians: ‘it is not true but mere political propaganda with malicious intents masterminded by my political opponents who are bent on doing damage to my hard won reputation’. Is this not the typical responses given by some political actors anytime they are alleged to have done A, B, or C?

Mosquito silenced the matter o. Hmmm! He gave Accra a huge dose of laughter that early morning. In his response, one would have expected a defensive posture giving the broadcast journalist more ‘ammunitions’ to jab him the more; he didn’t!

He disappointed everyone when his response went simply as: ‘if my party is in power and I don’t grow fat, when again do you expect me to grow fat’? End of interview! Matter close. Seeing him in his acapee last weekend on social and mainstream media with the Veep in his best humorous element, one conclusion to easily draw was that Mr Asiedu Nkatie stole the show at the graduation last weekend. I was just wondering how he managed to do it, I mean wearing an academic gown that could have served ten of his type! General, I heard now you have been promoted to the rank of a Field Marshall o, with muscles. Hahaaaa!

Enjoy your weekend no matter how unsatisfied you are with your conditions of work. Remember the fact that life is like tilling a farmland on which people come to defecate; you just have to hold your nose and focus on the crops you are cultivating.

Field Marshall Mosquito, may I have your permission to fall out, Sir! Yes Sasa!

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