Useless Column: I ‘Killed’ Her

Something is bothering my mind paa o. Can you believe the kind of things my 13 year old niece keeps posting on her wassap status? ‘Only God will revenge for me’, ‘you don’t have to beg someone to love you; if they wanted you, they would’, ‘I came into this world alone and if you think you have had enough, only God will deal with you’, ‘Until I met him, I never knew the difference between pepper and milo. ‘You are my King, Kojo’, ‘that little voice telling u not to spend on your Chic is the voice of your spiritual wife’, and this one: ‘I think it is time I moved on’. This last one scared me and I called her to find out where she is moving on to and she only laughed at me and said ‘for lack of knowledge my people perish’. I see! 13 years old o and she is using the latest iphone. Ei! Women’s Aglow, please organize a crusade for our youth to be telecast live on GTV! I believe in your prayers. As for the men, abeg, sos so empty prayers la. Hahahaha! I can’t imagine the future of a lot of our young ones 5 years from now!

Woaaa c; just when I was putting this write-up together, see what she has just posted: ‘You will be loving someone, thinking you have reached your final bus stop, suddenly they will start behaving like roundabout’. 13 year old girl o! Hmmmm!

These are some of the reasons my heart sinks anytime I hear of small small girls getting pregnant and ‘borning’ by ‘hat’! What can we do to salvage the situation han? Are some of our chiefs sleeping or parenting needs to be ‘revised’ or we should modify some cultural practices? Me am getting worried o; I don’t know about you! God help us to help ourselves!

I’d learnt later in life that headache is not a disease but a symptom of a disease trending in the body which needs attention. Akin to this, I have also learnt that anytime I hear the fire alarm beeping, it is not enough to just turn the alarm off! It is important to rather check where the fire is coming from and deal with it as such.

Has anyone ever won an award for having a grudge with the spouse or any other person? Please I want to know o. Life is too short to be continuously upset with your spouse; it becomes more dangerous if the tension is allowed to fester! My impatience and ego led me into trouble recently with myself and I can hardly forgive myself.

We had a small misunderstanding the previous night; I was so angry I left her in the room the following morning without greeting or giving her that kiss which marriage counselors prescribe but they themselves don’t do.

While on my way to work, at about 7.15am, I saw her calls coming through. I ignored her. I saw 14 missed calls of hers and I was enjoying my useless ego. After all, she ‘dey bore me sef’ and in my mind the fact that she has even called, ‘I had won’.

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I got to work, got tea prepared for me and had all the laughter with the ladies and gentlemen in the office turning a blind heart to the fact that there was tension at home. After all, I am a perfect gentleman in the office – all my staff know this; I kept deceiving myself! Then a strange land line called and it was a nurse who said my wife had been rushed to their hospital and needed urgent attention but the people who brought her in were nowhere to be found. Really?

At this point, I started returning her numerous calls I’d missed; she wouldn’t pick the calls. Then later the same nurse called with her personal line and that my wife couldn’t talk because she was on oxygen. ‘Has it gotten to that’, I asked the nurse and myself!

Whaaat! It was at this point that I realized how much I love her; my unnecessary male ego blinded that feeling. I drove at the speed of light; crossed the red light and arrested by the police; he processed me for court. I was not interested in begging the policeman with any ‘nokofio’ in order to be left off the hook. I got to the hospital and to the glory of God the oxygen guard had been removed – a sign of improvement and of hope. It appears to me we love our spouses more when they are taken ill – true or false?

I sat by her on the bed. She looked me in the face and softly cried out: ‘Honey, 10 minutes after you left the house, I had difficulty breathing and I kept calling you but I knew because you were not happy with me, you ignored my calls. For heaven’s sake, I am your life partner and the only one who can upset you more than anyone else. There was no one around to help. You know our little kids are both less than two years old and didn’t understand my predicament. I called you severally just to tell you the pain I was going through and needed your help to the hospital, at least; I was also going to apologise for the previous night’s needless fight. I don’t know how I got here to the hospital but I think because I started reeling loud in pain, some passers-by noticed there was something wrong and I am sure they brought me here’.

At this point, I’d wanted to weep but I controlled myself! ‘Honey, please go home and check on the children because I can’t tell how safe they may be by now”, she added. Tears welled up my glaucoma eyes and dripped down my bloated cheeks. I held her by the arm and torn between staying with her at the hospital to make sure she was doing fine or going home to see to the safety of the children. I called my closest neighbour whose house was about 500 meters away from my house (typical of any developing community – houses sparsely distributed); her phone was off!

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I left the hospital and upon reaching the house, the whole area was as quiet as a cemetery! I opened the main door with the key; it was not locked. Yey! The next door was also not locked. You can imagine what was going through my heart and mind.

I entered the bedroom where the kids often slept and oh my God! There they were, ‘lifelessly’ sound asleep after having messed up the room with dusting powder, washing soap, some important documents, wigs and clothes soiled in creams, water, poupou, weewee and everything one could think of by toddlers!

At least my fear number one is gone; the kids are fine!

Changing pampers and cleaning up the mess, bathing them and feeding them were a huge project albeit for a short period. I never knew women go through such hell to put our homes in order o, herh! It’s a lot of work! As you are bathing this one, the other would be creating a mess somewhere. Pick her up to prevent her from going near fire, the other one would jump out of the bowl of water she is being bathed in and ‘confusion becomes basaaa’.

I called the nurse at the hospital and she too to find out how my wife was doing; she refused to pick the call. I strapped the two kids in the back seat of my car. They would cry small and laugh small while playing. Even though strapped, one managed to get out of the seatbelt to join me in front disrupting me further.

We got to the hospital and the doctor asked me to wait outside a little while. Then I saw Sister Ellen, the nurse in tears weeping.

“Sister Ellen, I called you and you didn’t pick up”, I harshly reprimanded fearing the worst might have happened but I didn’t think ‘that was my portion’, I prayed quietly. Uneasy at this point, I asked Sister Ellen if everything was okay. This question coincided with her response to a phone call that came in at the same time. Fearing what might have happened to my wife, I screamed loud enough for whatever might have happened to my dear wife! It was then the vibration on my mobile phone woke me up from my deep sleep after drinking ‘something’ the previous night!

Ah! What happened? This story is too ‘useful’ to be in this column! Don’t worry; next week I will ‘spoil’ the column again with ‘useless’ things la. It’s all because I am not in a good mood today; my neighbor has only two goats and I have a pen of plenty goats which keep getting missing every now and then yet my neighbour is always eating goat meat even though his two goats are still intact! How can I be happy especially when I cannot confront him too? He is a jujuman!

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