Useless Column: Girls Dormitory

100 years (ie 1,200 months old) and still in such good health? Eish! I wonder o. Me, I am only 43 years, but come and see me battling with things; today my neck, tomorrow, my eyes, the following day, my waist! Ao! Allah has blessed this man who, I believe, would be the next to win the NOBEL PEACE PRIZE Inshah Allah. Happy birthday to the National Chief Iman, Dr Nuhu Sharabutu and thank you, Sir for that huge ‘Christ the King’ message you sent to the world! Awesome!

Ei Easter ‘Mecca’, Kwawu was exciting this year o but my best Kwawu still remains Kwawu 2010. Kw3333! Everywhere you passed, it was Nana Boro’s ‘Aha y3d3’, even in Accra. Nana Boro, come back o, hahahaa! There is no match yet though 2019 Cho cho mucho and Omuada came close to matching up as the mountains struggled to contain the crowds last weekend! The atmosphere at Mpraeso’s Ohene Nana Classic Thursday night to Saturday was charged but I had to return to Accra to watch ‘Away Bus’ premiered at the Westhills Mall. Eish! If you haven’t watched this one-and-a half-hour-long movie yet, then…sorry! It was a super blockbuster! With a fair representation of a carefully selected top Twi-wood and Brofo-wood actors, one could see that indeed we dey form in Ghana. Agya Koo would remain my most natural actor, I suwear. Micky Osei Berko, OMG! Kalybos, Big Akwes and Dabo, Lord God have mercy! What a cast! John Dumelo and Fella Makafui nailed it! For me, it is the best ever collabo between the Twi actors and the English ones! Imagine when a praddo police vehicle appears at a crime scene and the crime officer getting down from the car is…Akrobeto! The cheers that reverberated through the Silverbird cinema cannot be quantified! I think the GHC50 ticket was too small. It’s about time we supported the creative sector no matter how small our contributions; I see it as a worthy sacrifice for the industry and the country as a whole. It is not easy to be creative o.

It is expensive to produce movies o. I was involved in some kind of production / acting almost a decade ago and it is not easy. ‘Roll cameras’…and then…‘Action…’ ‘Cut’ ‘Cut’‘Cut’…. ‘Let’s take a close shot’ Buoy! There was one scene in which I was to be slapped by Foster Romanus for me to fall down as a result. That boy er, hmmm! He slapped me from morning to evening and each time he did, they said he didn’t do it well so we have to ‘cut’ for him to slap again. Ebei! Acting? Sadly when it was my turn to revenge by slapping him too, there was light off and we had to ‘cut’ and do it all over again. Director Oheneba Acheampong? Hmmm!

With the location at the ICGC Yahweh Temple at East Legon, one scene could take 24 hours to shoot; sometimes more! I recall the day after shooting for over 26 hours, the chips got spoilt! The crew and cast went through hell and had to be fed and housed by the producers. As the cameras are rolled, an aircraft flies over almost every half an hour about to land at Kotoka and that has to be redone umpteenth times till there is no sound interference! I gave up my acting career o. Kai! To start with I didn’t even think I could be a good actor. Greetings o, Uncle Fred Amugi. This veteran actor tried to mentor me but I found myself laughing at him anytime he tried to teach me how to do it. Asking me to behave in a manner unlike my nature was like asking me to do a whole Phd dissertation in Mathematics! He suffered in my hands o and eventually I gave up and he did give up on me as well. Imagine me playing the role of a Pope in a movie where there were so many short ladies with big backs? Ala! How can I survive and act well in this role?

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Ghana would be a great movie destination if the creative industry gets the needed support. Let’s patronize these movies and stop praising movies from other neighbouring countries for churning out good movies. We can do better than them! Ghana has talents! I was impressed with the scramble for AWAY BUS tickets to the cinemas; ‘twas awesome! After all, I had the opportunity to see for the first time the famous Fella Makafui, the much-talked-about lady who shares same name with my first daughter. Really talented!

Talk of free tickets! Ao! Ironically those of us who ask for free tickets are those who can afford it! What’s that? Stop that thing o! Ah! I will watch Away Bus over and over again given the opportunity! GHC50 to watch a local blockbuster to help develop the creative sector won’t kill me.

Ei I met Admiral yesterday o. he is a big boy now, very intelligent. He is the boy who went to kindergarten and during break time one day, he saw his class mate, a girl urinating and walked straight to her and told her with pride “herh Mavis, you too you have some? This one my mother has some; my mother own is black”. Herh Admiral, what is black? Ei children! That is the reason I am careful not to expose my body in the presence of my children at home o; they see everything!

Even my under 4-year-old daughter can tell me ‘Daddy, please cover those useless things with your towel; you are embarrassing me’. Oh yes o. Hmmm.

Me sef, I am attending the funeral of Baba Al-Kelly tomorrow. It promises to be a big funeral where we would drink malt and eat meat pie!

Al-Kelly has been a bad boy during his psychomotor days at the Technical School. He had real fun with the girls who came his way. Then he got married. He had his first child, a girl. Then came second, a girl. He was not bothered about the gender as long as they were gifts from God! He had hoped for a boy when his wife took seed again. Lo and behold, it was a boy but the boy couldn’t make it 24 hours after he was born! Sad!

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Then came another pregnancy; it was a girl; now three girls. He ‘went again’ and it was another girl – so 4 girls! And then there were twins– they were girls. He gave up and decided to take it like that as he consoled himself, ‘after all, girls are even doing better in school nowadays than boys, (apart from mobile money fund raising activities by some of them).

Bcos he enjoys the company of girls see what God gave him again oo…just like my own case; more girls in the yard.

At this point a bad idea came to mind to ‘outsource; for a boy though he ‘pretended’ to be happy with the 6 girls. Some peers influenced him to do that. He made another woman pregnant albeit at the blind side of his wife. He was hoping for a boy, at least. Lo and behold, the second woman gave birth…to twins…girls!

The long and short of it is that he managed to make a third woman pregnant and had a boy. Halleluya. All the 8 girls Baba Al-Kelly had have made it to the university. The only boy is still struggling with tramol and wee after dropping out from school!

This is not to suggest that those of us giving birth to girls were womanisers o, yoo!

My girl children are fully protected o. I am surrounded by neighbours most of whose children are boy children. If by the time my first daughter turns 18, Mr Arhin and his boys don’t leave the area, I will rent my house out and relocate from the area. Whaaaat!

I don’t know why some people are so obsessed with this ‘I want a boy’ thing or ‘I want a girl’ thing! What if God does not give you at all? That is the reason I love it when people call my house ‘Girls Dormitory’!

Girl children are sweet, I tell you! Girls will not smoke wee. Girls will not leave the house under the pretext of having headache when cassava is on fire awaiting pounding of fufu. Girls will spend time with their ailing parents when they are sick in the ward of a smelly hospital. They don’t mind if the next patient lying next to her father is ‘messing up’ in disgust or not. Girls will clean the mess. All we boys know is takashi, not so? Hahahaaaa!

‘My brethren, consider yourself fortunate when all kinds of girls come your way’ – James 1:2 (paraphrased)!

So fixing Easter on 19th of April; was the Pope expecting us to use March salary to chop it? Hmmm! Accra Stay by plan ampa! ‘Endure’ yourself with gari and beans till next week when salaries will be paid! Hahahahaaa!

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