My Juju Marriage Counselor

The first marriage counseling I was given which I wrongly applied was about how to vary the places I choose to ‘have fun’ with my wife. We were advised that doing ‘the thing’ always on the bed becomes monotonous and so we should ‘change inside small’. Guess where we foolishly tried it – on a gas cylinder. Ala! Our rented house nearly caught fire!

Jesus is coming next week Friday o and I can only imagine what the level of immorality would be like in today’s world if there was no HIV. I drove through a popular spot last Wednesday dawn and Lord God have mercy! Condoms? Weytin you go take them do! Ewurade! I just exclaimed: ‘Thank God for HIV or else…hmmm’.

Simple simple current affairs some of us don’t know. Be reading useful things o, not these ones that would not add any value to your lives o, yooo! If you don’t know, you don’t know! Okay which country in Africa has had its name changed to Eswatini not long ago? Just google it and it would tell you it is Swaziland not Switzerland! Ah!

They have been married for 9 years. They had their first child through ‘womanpower means’. The other two were delivered through a caesarian section giving them 3 children. After the third child, doctors advised them to stay away from jigijigi for a while so that the woman would not take seed at least between 24 to 36 months or else she would endanger her life especially at the time of delivery. Medically, they were told, the wound would heal very well by that time so the woman could take seed again; in fact get impregnated again. I don’t know why I keep talking about ‘seed’ ‘seed’ when I could just say pregnant! Me sef! Ah!

So they’ve not been doing the eyi even though me I am sure the man was ‘eating’ from outside. It is normal, after all! Y3n br33 y3!

After 23 months of no sex, the woman fell ill and was taken to the hospital. She was made to ‘write a test’ and she passed!– she is 6 weeks pregnant! ‘How’ exclaimed the man. The woman was also wondering. Only Joseph and Mary had this thing ever happened to! Could this be a repetition of history? No!

The woman was also shocked and my friend is disturbed and called to ask of my counseling as to what he should do. What should they do under the circumstance? How would I know!

Me? A marriage counselor? Hmmm! Did you know that if you have been married for 6 months, you can also write a book on marriage counseling? That’s the reason I am particularly not so carried away by especially post-marriage counseling. The best pre-marriage counselor I have ever come across was a lady pastor who advised the couple to try the ‘thing’ first before marriage. Even without telling them, they would still do it anyway so why lie to yourself? My late father often said: the best way to tell a thief ‘he is a thief is to give him something to keep for you’. But you know the paradox? They never did it the thing till they got married but still…it didn’t work! Na God o and having a second heart to contain the n**sense is what makes marriage work. For me, the best marriage counselor does not exist! That is the truth! Period! Most of us are just managing and pretending to be happy otherwise why do you call it marriage? Ajeeeeei! Me, I happy myself o. If she refuses to give it to me at home, I ‘close late from work’ and bring the joy home and marriage continues! No be so? Hahaai!

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Abeg, let the boys and girls enjoy small bcos whether you let them do it or not, they would still do it oo!

My own church premarital counselor started deceiving herself by telling my wife and I that our first kiss would be during our wedding. Really? We laugh laugh laugh  aaaa and enter hole! When she sought to know why we were excited about that counseling bit of kissing the first time during our wedding, I explained to her that she should not waste her time bcos we have gone past that stage lonnnnnggggggg since! Eeeei! The thing di333 it is not good o as far as ‘Church’ is concerned but it is sweet! Walahi! Go and tell a jujuman to hold on to sex till after marriage. Hahaaa!

But honestly I regretted the day I ‘tasted it’ the first time. I regretted bcos I had missed out on enjoyment for so long. I was so personally focused that I had never even kissed till I completed vars.  The feelings were there alright but anytime the urge came to mind, I suppressed the feelings by first looking back at where I was coming from and where I was going and then became a check on myself! It was not based on advice from anyone o!

However, when I tasted it the first time, I was like ‘wow,,,why did I deny myself of sweet things all this while’ but you see, I might have messed up my life if I did much earlier. Indeed there are a few bad ones who made it in life even after their initial escapades. But for people like me, my hometown gods would have taken advantage, teamed up with my hometown people in order to mess me up and blame it on me, describing me as ‘yakamey’.  Those my hometown gods and people have a way of setting you up and messing you up; the choice is yours!

You see, why I think everyone who has been married for at least 6 months can write a book is that, each day within the 6 months has a chapter / lesson you have not read before. Chapter 1 may happen again in the form of Lesson 1 appearing in chapter 14 of his or her book and indeed my little experience tells me that just like the patterns of fingerprints, no two marriages are the same, no matter what! That is the reason I am not carried away by books on marriage counseling where people share their personal experiences and expect you to go by it boot for boot! Sometimes they don’t even say it as it is; they garnish it. Have you ever read a book on marriage counseling where the man has been advised to find solace in the eyi of another woman when his wife denies him? But in reality that’s what happens bcos most men will by all means ‘seek help’ whether they get it at home or not. False? I see! Some of their recommendations in their books are for you to apply their experiences and you would often realize they are not working bcos your own circumstances ARE DIFFERENT! I am sure you know that the taste of shallots from the sandy soils of Aflao is 100% not the same as the taste of the same shallots cultivated on the gutter soil at Dzorwulu!

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Last week my friend Ofori called me again to say that he didn’t know that an ordinary shaving stick could be an aphrodisiac until he saw it in this useless column last month. It can be a very potent aphrodisiac in the hands of a loving wife who is romantically shaving the eyi of her loving husband!

But I warned him bcos the same shaving stick can become a weapon in the hands of an unhappy and angry wife! Be careful when to give her the shaving stick to shave you; first be sure she is happy with you or else your generations may be cut off o, yoo! But my question is: ‘to shave where’? Bud mind! Is it not haircut on the head? Gbegblevi! Hahaha!

Don’t share your marriage problems with just any counsellor o bcos if someone else’s experiences actually help solves marital problems, the divorce courts would no longer function. The solution lies with you and your spouse; so you that my friend who wants to know what to do with your wife who has suddenly become a ‘Mary’ and does not know how it happened, I am sorry I have no advice for you but unfortunately I am revealing your secret to the whole world here o– that is what some marriage counselors do…in their books!

‘It is always good to kiss your wife before leaving for work’, some would say! Ask them when last they kissed their wives; you can be sure of an insincere answer as some may not even be on talking terms with their spouses at the time of writing those ‘useful’ books for you to read. To paraphrase the words of Nana Ansah Kwawo, ‘this is my opinion’!

Wondering why this my position, just ask yourself: ‘who counseled the first couple?’

Only from God must we seek wisdom! Amen? Tataaaaa!

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