Deputy Wives – A necessary evil

A story was told of a Nigerian, a Kenyan and a Ghanaian who were working in a factory in Europe! The whiteman boss came in one morning complaining about a door that was left ajar when it should remain closed. He proceeded to asking these 3 Ghanaians who left the door open. The Ghanaian and the Kenyan, as to be expected somehow, started beating about the bush trying to explain some ‘useless’ things just bcos they did not want to find themselves in the bad books of their boss. When it was the turn of the Nigerian and he was asked, his response was simple: ‘Ogah Oyibo, if the door is open and you are not happy with it, just close it and stop wasting our time with this unnecessary time wasting exercise; we want to work’, he to his boss. In fact that is how many of them talk not bcos they are rude but bcos they just like to say it the way it is! That guy got promoted for being frank and sincere with his obroni boss o. That’s why I like the style of some Nigerians. A few years ago, while in one of their hard core States, I’d heard some thieves broke into a house and their style was that of bluntness – no mincing of words! I heard when the thieves knocked on the door at night, the people in the house asked: ‘who is that?’ Their response was simple: ‘we are armed robbers, please open the door for us or else…’ Come to Ghana and see…the thieves in Ghana will knock hard on your door and tell you they are thirsty and want water to drink at 2am o and then attack you in the process. Omor Naija, trust them for whatever they do – if it good, they would do it and do it very very well. If it is bad, ooh, your guess is as good as mine. My Naija friends, na joke ina dey joke oo, hahahaaaa!

Have you ever heard of ‘hw3 aha mami’ cars? Good! Those cars made in the UK for the UK roads with right hand drive. When you bring one to Ghana and force yourself to re-engineer it to left hand drive as the law requires, you may seem to be driving alright but struggling along the line. When you turn the right traffic indicator (traficator), it shows to the left. Is that not what we are doing in our marriages? God said it’s right hand drive but bcos we have become ‘wiser than Him’ we decide to re-engineer marriage to suit what we want and then the problems start.

Last week I told you that many marriages are suffering bcos we have decided to redefine it in our own way rather than what’s God’s purpose for it.

Higher education has even made matters worse. If the man has M.Phil and the woman has MBA, the redefinition becomes even more cumbersome and sometimes ambiguous and then gbram – divorce court bcos ‘we know book pass God sef’ and still go to church shouting unnecessarily for that same God to let us have happy marriages through needless prayers! Yes, I mean needless prayers bcos you believe in your ‘book for book’ knowledge more than ‘God for marriage’ marriage! Ei! Let’s take our time o, yoo.

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Ei, am I not being a hypocrite here? Hahaaa! Last night, I had a call from one of my branch managers and I was screaming on top of my voice for him not meeting his targets. A few minutes later, I got another call but this time, I was soft on the line with a low tone; my wife just looked at me and laughed especially when I started pressing the knob on the left side of the phone to lower the volume. Hahaaaai!

I have once told you that it is very easy for our wives to catch us cheating o. Now, our wives, let me tell you what we do: When you call your husband and he does not pick the call the first time and you call again and he picks it; don’t panic yet. Wait till he starts speaking undertone.The real suspicion should come in when you start hearing echoes on your phone as he speaks. Now this is the strategy – the first call was not picked bcos he needed time to go to the washroom and hide to pick or return your call so the other cheating lover lying on the ‘public’ bed will not hear. The second call is picked bcos he can now talk behind the closed doors of the washroom without the lover hearing. That is where you start hearing the echoes. You don’t need any scientist to research into this. It’s creaarrrrr! That is when in an attempt to say ‘I can’t hear you; there is noise in the background, you hear us saying ‘there is background in the noise’. God is watching you o, yooo!

When I find myself in a situation like this and my wife keeps calling me, I just put on my trousers quickly and singlet and rush out of the guest room into my car, put the engine on, tune in to a radio frequency channel that is not clear, increase the volume so my wife could hear the ‘shhhhhhhhhhhhh’ sound in the background. You see that sound that when you are driving on top speed and the glass is down, ehern…Then I tell her I am driving at top speed and bcos she knows the dangers associated with driving and talking on the phone, she would be the first to hang up so I could be safe. I then start jubilating, switch the engine off and go back to the guest room to finish with the eyi. Hahaaaa!

That was what happened last weekend again when Linda called me to meet her at home bcos she has missed me. I drove all the way from Weija to Adenta, called her to come out to open gate for me bcos I was in front of her gate. She said she could not see me even though I was right in front of the gate. We kept exchanging words of wonder: ‘ah, I am here but I can’t see you; I am in my car’. Then something said check the number again. OMG! When I checked the name on the phone, the number was that of Linda2, the one at Dansoman! Kai! The speed with which I drove off and switched my phone off er, hmmmm! God forgive men especially for our crimes and forgive our wives for no offence apart from talking talking talking…hahaaaaa! Since then I have decided not to ron things with ladies with the same names or at worst save the names differently for example, ‘Linda Dansoman’ and ‘Lynda Adenta’ but Linda 1 and Linda 2, not again! Kai! Me I don’t like the other ones that some men use such as: ‘Plumber Abelenkpe’ or ‘Mason Shopprite’! That is where women can catch you easily. What service will a mason be providing at Shopprite, technically speaking? Oh men!

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If you don’t use your head, your body would suffer la!

That is why when you are giving names to your children, you should be careful. My only beef is with the name ‘Wisdom’. Mostly those I know are the direct opposite of….abeg oo. Hahaaaaa! There was a naming ceremony I was invited to last two weekends and I went asking useless questions. I’d wanted to know the name of the child before I attend. The way the child’s father insulted me er. No one gives the name of a child at the time of invitation; it is only when you attend the ceremony that you are told he or she is called ‘Gbemisola’ or ‘Ababio’, no be so? That is why it is unthinkable to ask your Boss ‘what is it about?’ when he or she summons you to his or her office. Just go and whatever it is, you would hear. This last useful message is from my intellectual friend, Dr Rafique Daudi of Metropolitan Life Ghana. Doc, I greet you o. Today is Fridayyyyyyyy! Hahaaaaaaa! You said I should stop drinking but I will drink plenty water till I urinate all the toxic things in my useless system. Some of the toxins are man made.

Doc, do you remember the story I told you about the day I sat in a trotro from Nungua to Ashaiman and the boys on board that trotro were mostly scrap dealers with ‘sanitation’ arm-pits? Jesus Christ! Everything I inhaled came out as etuabo gas the same scent p3p33p3 when I got home!

Today is November 15 and I expect that you have the best of the weekend and make sure your insurance stickers are valid and not fake and also don’t overtake ‘by hat’ to avoid any catastrophic consequences as Christmas approaches. Think about your children and other people’s bread winners o, yoo. Me sef, I don’t like bread; I like waakye. Hahaaaa!

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