Useless Column: The Wicked Divorce Judge

These days the rains are becoming too political to the extent that when it’s Friday dawn, it won’t rain for you to continue sleeping till 7am Saturday. Sunday too it won’t rain so I can find a fine excuse for my pastor to absent myself from church. Then Monday dawn at 3am, knowing you have to wake up at 4am to start preparing for work, that’s when it starts raining. The meteorologists too have become like economists – never sure though usually very confident. While the accountant is emphatic that 2 plus 2 is 4, the economist would want to go like ‘let’s assume 2 plus 2 is 4’. The same is the case with the meteorologist; I am not sure if it’s peculiar to only Ghana but the weatherman would go like: ‘the weather would be partly cloudy and chances of a thunderstorm with mixed reactions exist’. This one you cannot hold him responsible o; if it happens that it rains, fine, if it doesn’t, you cannot hold him accountable – a very safe way of predicting things er. Ghana sweet roff.

If your house is in a water-logged area such as Tetegu near Weija and you are yearning to construct a swimming pool in your house just bcos you saw a swimming pool in your friend’s house at McCarthy Hills, then you are ‘thinking very well’. You don’t have a problem at all; go ahead with your ‘negative analysis’ and construct the swimming pool at Tetegu. No problem but be ready to swim with crocodiles, crabs and tilapia when Ghana Water decides to spill some of the water from its dams at Weija!

That is how some of us look at challenges in our marriages. Just bcos a friend could not tolerate some happenings in his or her marriage means me too I should not. Just bcos, my friend’s marriage looks good means my spouse is hell! For those of us on various platforms such as ‘Tell it…something something’ on facebook learning from other people’s experiences, no problem but chances are that some experiences shared may have different and peculiar backgrounds o! My friend, Samuel Tindanbil would often say ‘there is nothing like logic in marriage but the ability to be stupid’.

I happened to be at the divorce court last Tuesday outside Ghana and…OMG! Is that how couples damage and ‘tear’ each other apart if it gets to that stage? Kai! While the man wants his case to be sweet to the ears of the Judge, the woman can sound ‘sweeter’ in her accusations! This often gets some divorce court judges to pass their verdicts. Each partner thinks the judge is being wicked for continuously adjourning the case as the period of adjournment can be really depressing. Ei, people’s emotions o and you think the judge should just say ‘ok, you are no more husband and wife’? What if you go behind the court and reconnect as some laimomos do?  For me the most difficult job to do as a jurist is to be a judge in the divorce court! Who should win the case? In fact for me every partner is a loser in a divorce court.

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I am just imagining the pains in the heart of each partner; the hurt; memories of the good and bad times. I pray I never experience this but having spoken with a guy at the court room who had gone through it before, he wished he hadn’t gone through it. For two years of going back and forth, the sleepless nights to endure thinking about a beautiful relationship about to hit a snag, the self-torture trying to justify one’s own ‘I am right’, thoughts of what if somebody is chopping the thing even though he was no longer interested! These thoughts could nervously break one down. It is the same with the women too; the fears mixed with anxieties still prevail. Anytime they bump into each other, they panic no matter what. The bathroom they used to share together to do their useless things become a matter of nostalgic upsets and tears. Must he change the bed on which they used to sleep together? The fear of paying alimony is another headache! I can feel it when I imagine it especially when children are involved.

I met this other man in the court that day and the friend I went to the court with hinted that divorcing his wives is his hobby. He is rich and very handsome so does not struggle to get a wife. That was his 6th divorce he was dealing with in court. The judges got tired of him. He had a problem with every woman he had married. The first one, it was bcos his wife was too tall, so he divorced her and went for a shorter one. That short one is also too temperamental and he divorced her and went for one who is not too tall but with 6 ‘cylinders’ at the back. While thinking that was his last stop, he suddenly realised after a year of marriage to her that she was lazy and never liked washing clothes. He dumped that one too and went in for one who was very good in bed, could cook so well, would wash from morning from morning to evening but could not be trusted in the presence of beer and vodka. He filed for divorce. The 5th one was bcos the woman was earning more salary than him. He found a smart way of creating a problem for her that resulted in divorce. Men and their egos!

This 6th time, the judges were contemplating whether to ban him from the divorce court or from getting married to any innocent woman again. Bra, who is perfect? Haaba! His reason for being in court this 6th time is bcos his wife nags too much!

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Stories of women who also filed for divorce on grounds of snoring husbands and husbands who don’t pay their children’s school fees would amaze you! Plennntttyyyy! Sounds like a joke but they are there and real! As for cases of DNA going wrong, gyae gyae, gyae! Plenteyyyyyyy!

Lord God have mercy on us…too many divorces and I don’t know why. I feel sad for those who are going through it; I don’t think it would be an easy thing to go through kraaa o. Eish! May God give us the heart to continue to contain our partners – for breakfast and for dinner!

The strange ones for me were the ones to do with cheating husbands. Ei! This was where I got scared the more bcos, the day my wife will get me er, I am finished!

I must confess how much I love it when the traffic lights ‘catch me’ at Lapaz near Las Palmas. Kw33333! Sometimes I wish the red lights could be on for some extra 10 minutes. Don’t tell me you don’t know why I wish that happens often. You see, the beauty of the traffic lights at Lapaz is that every pedestrian would be in a hurry to cross the road to avoid being knocked by any reckless driver. I personally love to see the ladies with ‘goods-in-transit’ running with the ‘desire’ of the ‘goods’ to fall off. It can be a scene to behold. The ‘am aware’ gals especially get me confused in the mornings especially. In one of such ‘movies’, I got a call and told the caller I was on the graphic road. I was confused in fact had the feeling that ‘there is hope for the future’! Hahahaaaa!

The reason I have stopped using the N1 was because my mother-in-law once saw me staring at some of those ‘temptations’ and took a snapshot of me and sent it to that her daughter. I am still praying for that gal to ask me so that I can lie but she is not asking me oo. Sometimes, I think some of our women rush too much. Women, did you know that the biggest punishment for us, men is when you keep silent over something we have done wrong and you have caught us black-handed? Yes oo. We can’t stand it oo. When you query or confront us, you only free us because it presents us with a fine opportunity to use takashi and lie well well making you rather start feeling guilty! Abeg, don’t take us to court even if you catch us!

But I am tired. I want divorce too. I can’t stand it any more. Those who were in it warned me not to enter. Those who were out of it were always happy but I dared, damned the consequences and entered it. Now I can’t stand it anymore – I want divorce from drinking akpeteshie…happy weekend and happy new month!

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