Useless Column: Polisi Abaa

I was talking to my carpenter friend of Ayelevi Carpenters whom I had engaged to do a ‘room divider’ for me. Room dividers used to be fashionable er. The part with the most swag is the part you put your black and white television and a video deck that never works with some video cassettes and a head cleaner inside. If you are lucky to have a ‘Technics’ sound system amplifier whose ‘I.C’ is blown, then you are the best man in town abi?

It took this carpenter more than 5 weeks and he was still delaying in finishing with my room divider. Ayelevi gave me one million reasons for the delay. He has no apprentices. According to him, and I believe him, a chunk of the youth of today are not ready to learn but want to earn a living immediately. Senior masons cannot boast of apprentices anymore. Those who take a bold step to do it abandon the training along the line. Everybody is in a hurry to earn not to learn. Seamstresses can no longer boast of being ‘Madams’. They do the work by themselves. It’s the same with hairdressers. Even some of the above average ones who would rather go to fashion schools or cosmetic schools would drop out and prefer to man airconditioned shops or something like that and be paid pittance!

If this is the way some of them want to go, my problem is that they should also pay tax. Masons charge between GHC70-GHC80 for by-day-work and labourers GHC60 and pay no tax. How? Abeg, let’s find a way o. Imagine this labourers working 22 days in a month. Multiply GHC60 by 22. It will give me GHC1,320 and no tax? Even a small percentage of it should suffice.

Ei I just remembered o; now that my salary is only GHC9,999.00, do I need to continue asking my employers for increment? Abeg, let me here so the tax me less. Ajeeeeiiii! I swerve neat! This is the first time I had to withdraw an earlier salary negotiation for increment with my boss. I’m still praying for him to ignore the appraisal we did for 2017 which puts me in the next level and could go beyond GHC10,000. Abeg, leave me there o and let’s go and pay our taxes. We need to develop Ghana and you and I have a contribution to make. Oya, let’s goooooooo! Hahaaaa!

When armed robbers attacked me at around 1.55am on July 16, it was the police who saved me o. I was lucky I had the phone number of one of the patrol guys in my area. Herh! Within 18 minutes, I could hear the sound of their siren and I am sure that scared the thieves away from my house and they couldn’t take anything. GH Police can be really professional, I mean those who really mean to be o. Great job! God bless you for saving me in the early hours of July 16, 2018. U see, when you come under attack from robbers, you suddenly find a solution to your week-long constipation! Diarrheoa replaces it, kai! It happened to me o.

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But yesterday, while sitting in front of trotro, I deliberately sneezed in the face of a polisman. He didn’t say anything but only smiled. I sneezed again without hankie to cover my nose, all in the bid to get him angry but still. He didn’t say anything. The next sneeze got him saying to me: ‘God bless you’. I expected him to have used minimal force small to deal with me small for public-private nuisance but no; he even had a handcuff with him oo but…..hahaaaa! I provoked him to the extent that all he said was that ‘yesu mogya nka woenim’ and bade me good bye!  Better ‘good evening’ than ‘you are welcome’.

Today is 27th and salaries have been paid o. Tonight, I am going to watch movies p3333, me and Ablavi! Man for de-stress small, tsooo after all, what is it! Y3nbr33y3! Why am I working? No be enjoyment?

If you have a hotel in Accra and the patronage is low bcos of high rates, please diversify. The diversification will still make you remain in ‘good business’, the one with ‘feelings’. Just convert it into a movie house. Simple! Reduce the rate and charge per hour. You’d see how people will come and watch ‘fim’. The patronage will be high. All you need are some tarpaulin to cover cars that come there with the people so that their spouses will not come and create problems for them, finish!

There are some of those small small hotels that are almost always booked not bcos they are booked o, but bcos they prefer ‘hourly basis’. If a hotel is supposed to charge say 100 cedis per 24 hours, they can do it on hourly basis and charge GHC20 per hour for ‘movies’ nobody really watches! You remember that my pastor who I caught in a movie house before and he claimed he was coming to watch ‘Jesus Film’? He is dead! Now multiply that GHC20 by even 22 hours and the money you’d make is GHC480! Anything that is ‘evil’ sells, no be so? Na me I talk o. Sin is sweet o, but the consequences can be dire! In fact nobody really watches movies in movie houses o; it is just a decoy for doing jigijigi, finish! The day Jesus would come er, hmmm…I pray He gets at least five people who would qualify to go to heaven! I have disqualified myself already/ after all who am I!

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Then on Saturday I will go to funeral whether I have been invited or. At least I will get one bottle of malt to drink under the funeral. It’s been a long time since I drunk malt. Tomorrow’s funeral presents me a fine opportunity to drink malt again. Haaba!

I don’t know whether it is bcos technology is new to us and we have such morbid craving to show that we are in town. When you pretend to be drowning in a water body, even your own brother will want to show how powerful his eye phone is and will start taking pictures to see how you would eventually die from drowning. Make a mistake and cross the path of a ‘kpovitor’ …your own twin brother will not save you oo; he will video it! It is so bad it is no longer funny. Some highly educated persons do it too. I was at a funeral recently and there was an unpleasant situation at the cemetery. In fact I didn’t want to say it but just for your ears. There was a horrific scene of the corpse seen ‘smiling’ when it realized that the grave dug to accommodate it was smaller than the casket and in an attempt to ‘force it in’, the casket opened and the body exposed. Instead of helping, elderly and young educated men and women were rather busily filming. Are the social media journalists paid at all? What is wrong with us kraaa han? Instead of helping to ‘correct’ the situation, they were rather seriously videoing the spectacle. What has become of us han?

Any way happy weekend and stop insulting me in your head; insult me openly and be sincere and honest with me. How many paragraphs in this nyamanyama thing has anything to do with ‘polisi abaa’ and you too had time to read it? Hmmm! You are on your own!

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