Useless Column: I’m Suspecting My Wife

When you come back from work tired and your wife dumps your baby on your laps so that you would be singing unnecessary songs with no meanings and the child is extremely happy throwing himself or herself about, disturbing your peace bcos you are tired of singing, don’t ask your wife to come for the baby o; she would be angry. Just pinch baby small on the arm so when s/he starts crying, the mother will be compelled to come for him or her for breastfeeding. Finish! If you don’t use your head, your body would suffer! Whort? Is it something you haven’t done before? Alakpator!

It’s Fridayyyy and next week Friday September 21, 2018 would be a holiday, hurrayyyy! I go booze rof! I mean water! Hahaaaa!

Ei, so Busumurru, Africa’s ‘Morgan Freeman’ (K. Morgan) is gone? Hmmm! May his diplomatic soul rest in peace.

Me too I will want to be a diplomat someday o or? The first time I heard the word ‘Diplomat’ was when my father used to send me to Mamavi’s mother’s drinking spot to buy him cigarette by the brand name ‘Diplomatt’ so when I grew up and got the understanding that ‘Diplomat’ meant a biiiig international person or one who speaks softly and politely, I wondered if the cigarette was ‘polite’ on my father’s health. I would not be surprised if it was lung cancer that killed my father leaving the family to suffer with our poor mum. Whatever you do, abeg, think about its consequences on you but more importantly think about the people you would leave behind o, yoo!

Auntie Joycelyn Dovlo of SICLife, please tell your sister Daavi Patience Gablah of Kade that God is doing something to me and I don’t like it o, yoo; He keeps answering a prayer I didn’t really mean. Looks to me like a punishment from Him. On December 31st last year, I prayed to God to let me desist from ‘entertaining’ some women in my life and discourage me from admiring the ladies in town especially at Abeka Lapaz traffic lights in front of Las Palmas. I like it when I am caught up in the traffic and I am the first in front when I see the ladies crossing the road in haste and the things that keep shaking behind them. Awwww! It can be a sight to behold; very lovely and gives hope for the future!

To my surprise, God seems to be answering those prayers. Now, when I see any nice eyi in skirt, nothing motivates me to get closer. Sometimes if I take a bold step to advance too, the next moment, I lose interest. Last week after salaries were paid, I’d arranged with Ablavi and went to book a guest room for ‘special prayers’. When the time was due and she called me, I wasn’t interested again. I switched my phone off. Ah what has come over me han? I am beginning to suspect my wife; she could be the one behind all these. She goes to church too much with anointing oil. She likes praying for Holy Ghost fire to consume all ‘evil’ things in my life including eyi. Madam, I know I am not as prayerful as you but did I send you? Is it evil to allow enjoyment with eyi? Ah! Don’t you know if God answers those prayers and I am not getting anything to ‘eat’ again, I will fall sick?

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Always praying against my small enjoyment with those eyi even though they bring me stress, mobile money wahala, and the fear of HIV! After all, how much do I give them mpo? Please allow me ooo, yoo. Allow me to be wise like Solomon. Ei, is it true that the more the women in your life, the wiser one becomes according to the Gospel according to Solomon? Is it not true that behind every successful man is a woman? No further comments but I want to be more successful so…hahaaaai! Leave me alone oo,  your prayers are affecting my waist. Even the half clutch I suffer occasionally nowadays, I am sure is a result of your prayers. Half clutch can make you ask some of the most useless questions ever whiles in the ‘useless-uselful’ act such as: ‘so was your father a good soldier’? Who told you Ablavi’s father is a soldier? To be frank, but for our wives, a lot of us men would have lost protection from Jehovah God long ago o; we are too bad. Let’s cherish them and love them; abeg don’t try to understand them bcos you can’t.  Our wives, please relax your prayers on us small ‘in this department’ so we can go out there and enjoy small bcos it adds up to the joy we bring back home. No be so? Ahan!

Isaiah Chapter 4 says we should have seven women though now when you try, stress will kill you! It is the law that is restricting us with only one wife, failure which means you have committed a crime. So we have devised our own ways and do it secretly so the law will not see! How for do!

I am not giving you bad advice o, Sammy, but if they send you to the battlefield, to come back dead or alive depends on you, finish! Don’t ask me any questions.

Derick was already from a good home, no doubt about that. His dad was once the Director-General of a state institution and the mother, an MD of a textile manufacturing company. At the time, my dad was a washman with swag. We attended the same schools through to the master’s level. He wasn’t exactly my friend but somehow we found each other attending the same schools and doing the same courses.

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He is a biiig man now. He has risen through the ranks and is now a Director in a big company. Talk of every bad thing and you are likely to find him linked to it. From drinking to womanizing, he is a ‘brand ambassador’. He travels around the world like a political drone. He is living well well, I tell you. He is doing far better in life even though I was better than him in school. And so what?

Dericki? Drinking? Girling? Clubbing? ‘He do all’ but he is living well today. So why should God keep blessing someone who is so immoral? We met just this week and in our conversation, he gave me a secret as to why almost everything seemed to be working for him – TITHING! He believed one tenth of his income belongs to God even if it meant his pastor is the one chopping it bcos to the best of his knowledge, that money is for Jehovah God, not him (Derick). He added that he knows that God can take that job away from him and that 90% sef, he won’t get again so why not give God His 10%! Frankly, if anybody should be advising me on tithing, Derick was the last person to come to the fore of my thoughts. Whaaaaaat! Everyone has a ‘password’ o, yooo!

I don’t know how many of us will agree with him but according to him, failure to pay tithe amounts to ‘restricting oneself to God’s favour’ – you do yourself a lot of disfavor by not paying your tithes. Surprisingly he did not advise me to start paying tithe but all he said was that, if I think I am comfortable with life ‘THIS WAY’, so be it! But if I think I deserve more including better health, I should not joke with my first fruits! Hmmmm! Or I should start paying so that when the favour of the Lord is abundant upon me, then I stop? Please let someone advise me er.

Eish! Counting money piapiapia to pay tithe paaaa go hard o. I will try but my problem is ten percent of what? Gross, net (less loan deductions), or what exactly? Please somebody should educate me. Can’t I just pay say GHC300 to the church once in a while as aforli3 instead of a whooping GHC…. for pastor to chop? Shame, you want to know how much I earn er, hahahahaaaa! For a clue, I am taxed at least 35% on my income. Now the witches and wizards in my village have an idea how much I earn and would soon start appearing in my dreams asking for their share!

Happy weekend to everyone but let’s all love our wives bcos they intercede on your behalf big time and appreciate them because ‘whatever you don’t appreciate, depreciates! Halleluya? If you won’t say Amen, be there er! Hahaaaa!

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