Useless Column: Cat Stock Market

Mawuli Zogbenu

Kontonmire gives blood’ is a song poverty puts on our lips; manual cars are more luxurious than automatic cars, really? You see what poverty can do? These are the consolation songs poverty can use to play tricks on our minds o. If money is the root of all evil, being poor will certainly not make you holy; it would only deceive you into thinking you are holy. Be there and don’t work hard, don’t be truthful to yourself and don’t be good to others and see if you not be poor. Who cares if eating pizza once in a while gives cholesterol! All are songs of poverty talk. Hmmm! It is the middle of the month and the long queues at Adabraka and Osu for gari and beans have created shorter or no queues at fried rice joints all bcos the purchasing power around the 20th of the month has gone down. People will not say it o; they would prefer to say fried rice gives cholesterol. Don’t mind them, that’s just a decoy to cover up dry pockets.

What is wrong with my 2 year old-daughter? She comes home from school singing ‘Kweku… Kweku… Kweku!’ at the siren pace of an ambulance! Am I safe? I really don’t want to believe she has a male friend in school called Kweku o, yeei! This new generation er, hmmm!

I was so worried last week when I saw a video of some 2 SHS graduates who were apparently happy they had passed their WASSCE and have qualified to enter the university. Their joy lies in the fact that they were going to the university to ‘chop’ the ‘Leg’ boys (translate to Twi)! I was disappointed, not in them but maybe their parents. Can the parents really be blamed? What if they are from a broken home where their parents out of impatience couldn’t resolve their issues that led to a break up? Or maybe their parents gave them too much space to be free? Or they were simply incorrigible or out of control? Trust me, no matter what, the parents would still take the blame, now matter the reason. This thing called ‘parenting’, e hard o.  hmmm! God have mercy on us and these children. Now that Makafui, at age 2 comes home from school singing ‘Kweku, Kweku, Kweku! I have to sit up in my parenting job, I lie? Hmmm!

I still have not found an answer to this mystery and still want to know o: what at all were those Thailand boys and their master going to do inside the cave? I still can’t get it. They should try that in Ghana. It is very easy. All we will need to do is to look for grader and push mud and gravels to bury them alive after we have lazily declared them dead whether or not. You kids enter grave and claim it’s a cave per adventure! Who has time to look for divers to look for you? You don’t know Africa ern, it is only here you would know the difference between gbagbladza and ketekewu! Come and try it here. You enter grave? and call it a cave? RIP it would have been if it had happened somewhere in Africa. Thank God for your lives, kids!

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Young ladies, abeg when you visit a guy whose room has only a bed without chairs, please don’t wait for one minute sef because he has evil intentions. Go back home. Otherwise where does he expect you to sit? If you sit on the bed as an improvised chair, you are on your own. It means you have consented. In the legal space, you would be told ‘volenti non fit injuria’ to wit ‘no harm is done to a person who consents’! Me I tell you o unless you want to consent.

One such incident where I asked the lady to sit on the bed, I had a ‘wicked’ agendum in mind. I started doing my things and she hypocritically asked me: ‘what do you think you are doing’? as if she thought my intention was to fix a medal on her neck! Hmmm! Ladies, don’t visit a guy who has no chairs in his room especially if he has a bed with perfume smelling on it; it’s a trap.

If you have not found yourself at the wrong side of the law before, you would probably not know that in law courts, one slap contains one million charges. Intention to slap, one charge. Slapping itself, two charges. Slapping for it to sound, third charge. Slapee crying, forth charge. Slapee going deaf and dumb, you are finished. Woe on to you if they tell you to prepare for jail bcos of your expertise in slapping, start crying!

I heard someone was recently jailed in the western world because he killed a cat and used the meat for pepper soup. What a charge! In the cat stock market in Ghana, shares can go up or down depending on how the market behaves on the health of the cats. A healthy male cat (Joseph) goes for GHC60. If it is a female cat (Josephine), it costs GHC50 depending on its marital status. If it is single, please you can’t use it to prepare pepper soup. If it is widowed, consideration is given to the deceased husband (Joseph) for leaving his poor wife behind and she may not be killed, at least not immediately but it will happen. Glaucoma infested ones are free of charge.

You remember Dr. Agbenyega who was living in a 6-floor flat? Dr Boachie. Dr Boachie who had a black and white cat also lived there. In fact, it was a block of medical doctors of different tribes. Dr Boachie was on the first floor of the six storey flat. Dr Boachie’s cat got missing and he started looking for it. He ignored the occupants of the second, third, forth and fifth floors and climbed the storey building from his first floor straight to Dr Agbenyegah who was on the sixth floor. In fact, he almost confronted Dr Agbenyega instead of being polite in just asking if he had seen his (Dr Boachie’s cat). In fact you can’t blame Dr Boachie bcos upon reaching Dr Agbenyega’s room, he could smell light soup on fire emanating from the kitchen.

Dr Agbenyega is his reaction, politely asked whether he (Dr Boachie) had checked from all the floors preceding the sixth floor, Dr Boachie retorted: ‘why should I waste my time knowing you are the only Ayigbeman on this block’! They are still fighting!

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Congratulations, France for winning the Mundial for the 2nd time in 20 years. France won in 1998 with Lizi Sports complex Baba Odenkey Desayil. President Bra Macron, has done well at age 40 but the female President of Croatia, Madam Kolinda got all the fans!

But why was it that the machine to determine the validity of controversial goals. penalties or fouls was introduced only after Africa was eliminated?

I’m not surprised L. Modric was the man of the tournament, very disciplined and my young friend, Mmaap3! A great player and innocent looking boy with such ‘life-threatening’ name as far as Ghana is concerned – Mmaap3? Ayooo!

Have you heard of low sperm count? That is Spain. They recorded the highest number of passes at the world cup yet puin, and went home early! Brazil had the highest number of shots at goals; that is azoospermia – nothing dey inside!

I am still wondering o. So upon all the names in the world, your parents took care of your pregnancy for nine months; gave birth to you only for you to be named ‘Vincent Kompany’ and you agreed? Not even your board of directors had agreed, this Belgian player, weytin happen, bro? Surprisingly there was no interesting name from Africa; little wonder we were kicked out early. Next time we go, let’s look for players whose names are like ‘MyGodisAble’, Turpentine, MyRedeemerLiveth, Ganyaglo, Favour, Cherish, etc I can guarantee that we would go far in 2022. Which country sef? I don’t know o. Hahaaaaa!

There is a country in West Africa. When their flight takes off at 5pm from their commercial capital, it arrives at 5pm in Accra. Which country is this? Send me the answer!

I have observed that between Ho and Aflao there is only one shrine on the way. Why, Ny3bros? All the juju enterprises have been replaced with prayer camps la. Did you know that right after the Ho airport junction on the way to Kpetoe to Aflao where CEPS Academy is, there is a dilapidated school under some trees? That school is an eye sore, I beg, commot am or build a nicer one there. I trust NTM to do some wonders by building a nicer school there.

If not for anything at all, consider the image of the airport er. Oh I love the coconut tree that has three heads at Ziope close to my hometown, Ave Dakpa. Volta wonders!

On Wednesday, you celebrated your 108th birthday o, Mr Maximus Attah of ARB Apex Bank. Massa I told you to go and show love to Ghana’s premier rural bank o, Nyakrom Rural Bank, ayoo!

Yesterday, Prof Azumah Nelson celebrated his happy birthday. Being the world’s only professor of boxing, doesn’t come easily. At age 60, he still inspires me. ‘If you want to deal with a problem, deal so hard with the problem such that when that problem falls, it would have no reason to doubt that it has fallen! Good morning, Ghana!

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