Useless Column: Agbozome Wuber

Beware of anyone who keeps saying: ‘As for me I don’t have anything against you’. They will ‘finish’ you before you know they actually do have a lot against you. They need to say so as a decoy for you to believe that they are very nice people. Be there! Agbetormenyo o lo, ayoo. Me I tell you.

One of the things my wife hates most which I like most is when she sees sachet water half used and put back in the fridge. It is even more disgusting at the workplace especially when you can’t trust the mouth that used it – whether smelly or just ok. But if it is the lips that tore the pure water are the lips of that dream girl in your office whom you cannot propose to bcos you are Mr P.O.P, you’d feel like drinking that half sachet of water bcos, you have a feeling the lips she used in drinking the water is at your disposal now so you can drink that water with ‘feeling’! No be so, hahaaaaa!

Today is Fridayyyyyyyyy! Don’t worry; the week was somehow ‘mixed’ up with last Tuesday’s holiday. The way I struggled to get koko and koko sef to drink on holiday er. Thanks to Dr. Rafique Daudi of Metropolitan Ghana for coming to my rescue with that cow meat in boxer shorts wearing bandana. Doc, Allah bless you o, Insha Allah.

It was a necessary holiday for especially those of us who wake up before  4am just to beat the Mallam Junction traffic congestion.

As for me, I love midweek holidays paa o especially when it falls on Wednesday; it gives me a feeling we have two weekends in one week! Surprisingly many people seem to prefer holidays being on Mondays or Fridays. Me I like it on Wednesday. The most annoying day to have a holiday is Thursday or?

On a more solemn note, much as I hate to hear of older personalities ‘expiring’, hearing of the passing on of younger ones who are yet to experience life can really break hearts especially those girls who perished at the Cape Coast beach this week. Babaanami esia! Busumuru H.E Mr Kofi Annan, former UN Secretary-General, please extend my greetings to my ancestors o, and say Hi to Ghana’s first ever JCR President of any University in Ghana and also Ghana’s first ever Senior Minister, Mr JH Mensa and his ‘educationist’ friend, Mr K.B Asante. I will always remember J.H for the unique way he used to pronounce the word ‘tuition’ especially during the 2000 campaign for ex-President Kufuor. I was privileged to have met the two much more closely when they were alive. As Achimota is losing some of its own brains to glory, Mfantsipim also seems to be matching them boot for boot! H.E P.K A-Arthur was also a ‘Red Boy’ of absolute gentility just like Ghana’s own ‘Morgan Freeman’, a one-time ‘World President’, an achievement that Ghana may not see again at least in the next 12,000 years! Great great brains they were! May their peaceful souls find rest in the bossom of Jehovah God! Amen!

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Sirs, if you happen to meet Ebony and those beauty queens, please ask them to come back o, bcos they have not finished with their work here! People are going o; so what at all is ‘Mogambwe’ still doing on mother earth? Ern? Ao! Hmmm!

Is it true that most people by the name ‘Asante’ are not Ashantis? They are mostly Akwapims, Ga-Dangmes or Kwahus. Daniel Asante Agyei of Tullow Oil, how be you, Shittor?

Tomorrow is Saturday and let me warn you that when driving, behave yourself. Don’t drive as if you are the first person in the world to drive a car. What is that? Did you know that in 1909, there were less than 100,000 cars in England and that 10 years later, i.e. in 1919 it increased to 330,000 and in 1929, we had 2,130,000 cars? Interestingly the first country to have made third party motor insurance compulsory is Norway in 1912 bcos of reckless driving leading to the death of innocent lives? Abeg, make sure you insure your car before getting out of home. Even my alatsa car which I use as a taxi in my hometown popularly known in the area as ‘Agbozome Wuber’ has comprehensive insurance! Life can be hell without insurance o, yoo! Me i tell you. I wonder how some of these alatsa cars in the villages survive o. Surprisingly, they can’t move an inch in the cities! They are so rickety but can carry all the loads in the world and still get to their destination…they still pass the road worthy test la! Hmmm!

Good morning to all my taxi driver friends at Asesewa market.

Why is it that people prefer to say fried rice gives cholesterol when it is a decoy expression to cover up dry pockets? Today is 23rd o and I am avoiding some calls. You know how they do it: first, they are calling to check on you bcos it’s been a long time even though you spoke two weeks ago o. The next thing is a whatsapp message: ‘I am broke o or I don’t have anything on me! Come and take. Na me born you? How can I give what I don’t have, Amavi Aborm beleti?

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Kontonmire gives blood’ is a song poverty puts on our lips; manual transmission cars are more luxurious than automatic cars, really? You see? You see? You see what poverty can do? These are the consolation songs poverty can put on your lips in order to play tricks on your mind o. If money is the root of all evil, do you think being poor will make you holy o? It would only deceive you into thinking you are holy. Be there and don’t work hard, don’t be truthful to yourself and don’t be good to others and see if you’d not be poor. Who cares if eating pizza once in a while gives cholesterol! These are all are songs of poverty! Oya, I greet you as I dey drink my this thing with kyikyinga!

Does this thing happen to you once in a while? You are given a bottle of beer that is so chilled to the point of freezing; instead of you asking that it should be left to defrost a bit, you rather say: ‘oh let it cool small’ when you actually mean the coldness should be reduced small? Cool again for where? No wonder my niece, Edith Nana Afua Prah of Takoradi will say ‘I am coming when she is actually going! She is going to marry tomorrow to my friend Kafui Husunukpe in Tema. Congratulations, my friends.

Have the best of the weekend and remember, the best time to do somebody a favour is when it is very very inconvenient for you to do so. That is what brings the real blessings. You remember the story of is it Elijah or Elisha and that woman and the child? Me I don’t remember. To receive more blessings this weekend, send someone mobile money of GHC100 if all you have on you is GHC120. Hahaaaaaaaaaai!

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