Useless Column: Ablavi Misled Me

Do you know that when you are talking to someone on phone and you can hear him or her alright but there is an echo interfering with the call, it means the person is in the washroom? As to what he or she may be washing, I don’t know. I was caught last week Friday. I got home late after a failed attempt to attend all night but still used it as an excuse for getting home late anyway. My wife called me once; I didn’t pick. She called again and I quickly ran to the washroom to pick the call in a low tone. Immediately she asked: ‘are you in the washroom?’ To be frank, my heart missed a beat as I wondered how she could immediately tell where I was and slipping quickly into my fore of thoughts was: ‘has she entered the hotel room upon a tip off? But hey I discovered later that while talking to her, there was an echo in the conversation. I heard when you are talking in the washroom, it does happen.

Now that I know, next time I will use ear piece; I learnt the ear piece will filter the call so the person on the other side won’t hear the echo. Please don’t go and try it o so that if you go to hell some day you blame me for aiding and abetment o. Let me carry my own cross and you too carry yours. After all, I can filter the echo with my ear piece, you may probably not be able filter yours. If that happens, don’t blame me for misleading you.

Can scientists explain the relationship between washrooms and echoes? I still don’t understand why when I can speak in any other enclosed space, no echo but the moment it is a washroom with a sinful agendum, it echoes. Why? Abeg, if you have a side eyi and you call her Friday or Saturday night and she doesn’t pick the call but moments later she calls back in low tone and you can hear an echo, please it is time to start doing your own HIV test. Though the population council thinks we are too many, it does not mean we should ‘kill ourselves’ with avoidable diseases we get from ‘useless’ enjoyment that have no cure, you hear? Ayooo.

Did you know that if we should exchange our problems for only 5 minutes, I am sure you would probably quickly come back for yours? Don’t be there always thinking your problem is bigger than everybody’s!

Anybody who keeps saying ‘as for me I don’t have anything against you’ actually has a lot against you; don’t trust him or her. Run! Ablavi says it all the time, that girl? Hmmm!

Me [on whatsapp]: ‘Baby, how are you’?

‘Ablavi: No response.

Me: ‘Baby, I say how are you la?

Ablavi: still no response.

Me: ‘Hello Baby, are you there? Pls let me have your new mobile money number so I can wire you something for the weekend’

Ablavi: ‘awwwww…sweet Mawuli, but for you the world would have come to an end for me; I luv you saaaaa enter Ave-Dakpa, your hometown’.

Following her eventual response to my messages, I sent her mobile money, GHC3 and she is still cursing me. She thinks she is smart aaaama. Los-lose situation!

Some of our lady friends have become money money money, unless you don’t say Hi!  Some of them dress so nicely and look so serious about life; you have no idea the mobile money ideas they have in their heads; just make a mistake of saying Hi! Could that be the reason I heard some ladies are complaining men hardly propose to them these days? As long as we men too will not stop imagining and desiring what these ladies possess, these girls will keep requesting their ‘minimum capital requirement’ from us.

Ei how many of us listened to the BBC’s Symphony Orchestra last Sunday August 5, 2018 between 11am and 12 noon? OMG! Classical music is soothing and sweet. I felt so relaxed and enjoyed it inside my soul after having attended a lot of unnecessary funerals the previous day. Where is Ghana’s own symphony orchestra han? I greet you o, Arts and Culture Minister, from the bottom of my heart la!

Unnecessary funerals bcos one of them was that of a young man, Moses who hanged himself bcos he was jilted by a girl he gave GHC30 to and the girl said she didn’t love him anymore. Mtcheeeeww! He was not serious. I am not sure if his soul will rest after having tortured himself to death. E bi you alone get problem? He has no idea how much some of us have wasted before. Me I stupidly sent GHC150 to someone I met on facebook though I never met her physically and after that she switched her phone off up and threw the chip away till now and even though I felt like telling my wife about it, I am afraid. You know that feeling where you mislead your wife by borrowing money from her to do something urgent and you send it to your side eyi and your side eyi starts misbehaving with an attitude that shows she doesn’t even appreciate what you have done for her. There is that natural feeling to let your wife know about it since COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE is key and good. Abeg, don’t try this one o, yoo. That’s not an advice; it’s an instruction. Keep quiet o! After all, sleepless nights over guilt are not the preserve of only me.

God forgive us, men! I don’t know what’s wrong with us la.

It’s Fridayyyyyyyyyy and I can’t wait for tomorrow to sleep! I am so happy rof bcos tomorrow no funeral though there is something similar – one week celebration. Is this one really necessary at all especially knowing that there would be a major funeral thereafter? Massa, we don’t have time o; it’s about time we started cutting down on some cultural practices! Times have changed o. We need money and duplication of funeral expenses not the best. Yooo!

Mallam junction traffic jam made me late for work yesterday la. Hmmm! Do you know why the contractors of the drainage system did not deem it necessary to engage with us well regarding that drainage construction? It is bcos of the names of towns around the area. Just look at this: ‘Gbawe’. Tuba, Oblogo, Tetegu and the one that kills me koraa is this one – Anyaaa! No romance! Too raw, s3bi s3bi! Even Asafo companies have nicer names. At least make Gbawe ‘Gbabs Down-Town’, ‘Oblogo can be swagged as ‘Bloggers-City or Blogo City’ just as we have for Agbogbloshie: Gbogblocity. As for Anyaaa, I honestly don’t know what name to suggest to make it romantic. I thin think think aaaa but still. I initially thought of making it ‘Nyaa-City’ but that one would have its own implications. Its sound will bear semblance with the nickname of Agona Nyakrom: Nyak-City, the hometown of Dr Kwame Amoah of Zeeghurt fame. I heard the first rural bank in Ghana was established in Agona Nyakrom. True? In fact I am still wondering what you need this unnecessary historical fact for any way!

Please let me ask o; if you are confronted with the following, what would you do? You are to lay off some staff to cut down cost to protect or rather sustain the company. You have 4 of such problem staff you have penciled to sack. Which of these would you keep – 1. the employee who lacks integrity, 2. the employee who is lazy 3. the employee who is unintelligent 4. the employee who drinks akpeteshie during working hours. Send your answers to me secretly. Remember, I need to keep one and sack the rest. Or should I just CONSOLIDATE them? Ajeeeeiiii! Hmmm! not a laughing matter o. Hmmm!

Happy weekend o, yooo!

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