Useless Column - Don't Read: Charcoal Seller

August 6, 2017
Source: Mawuli Zogbenu l thebftonline.com l Ghana
Useless Column - Don't Read: Charcoal Seller

If your wife reports you to DOVSU that you are a ‘wife-beater’, what other witness or evidence do the Polis need again to prosecute you? Be there deceiving yourself that you would talk to your lawyers.

Please who is that knocking on my door and almost breaking it? You can go ahead and break it. A typical Ghanaian knows that the person knocking on the door is a human being but will still respond with a question : ‘whan-yaa or whine nunu?’

Yesterday come and see trotro and taxi drivers at Lapaz fixing dustbins in their vehicles. According to some of them, they had heard Papa J is now the Accra Mayor and they don’t want to take chances. I explained to at least 2 of them that Papa J is only Sanitation Ambassador and not Accra Mayor but they said ‘still’ they are afraid to do the wrong thing. Who born dawg!

Ei the world is testing things o. North Koria is testing something. Amerrica is also testing something. Russia-Sukura wants to test something. Ajapan has already tested something. Africa, what are we testing or what at all can we test? Nothing! Always at the mercy of the super powers testing mike! Whatever affects us positively or negatively from these tests, we are only at the receiving end. Maybe we should also try testing juju! Dasorrrr! Such juju, if potent, may only work against co-workers and neighbours as the case has always been though speculative. It ends there or else by now, we would have won like 10 world cups. We are just here testing nothing and the world is testing things. Let’s try and have a juju testing contest between my uncles in Kedzi and my in-laws in Chiana-Paga. Ezewuze! Heheyyyyy! Kpiti katatatatatatatatatata….I have started testing my own juju o, hahaaaa! Not the one that failed me when I chanted and chanted and chanted and couldn’t disappear from the A.M.A guys at a construction site. That jujuman just chop my money kwa.   

It’s Friday and the malls would abound with very pretty girls and handsome boys wearing camboo this weekend. Some would be with their parents while others would be in the company of their friends from whom they mostly learn the things that their parents shy away from teaching them such as, I don’t know o.

Schools are on vacation and the girls are home ooo, yeeei! I took some 5 days off last week and what I went through er. 3kaa kitikitikiti! This is the time men need help paaa with prayer support and self control o. My wife was out of the country. I wanted to rest mid morning. There was a knock on my door. I opened. Woooow! Here was a very beautiful girl in a skimpy jeans shorts with hair showing on her stomach just below the navel! On top of her chest was a V-shape kind of with oil shining in-between. Lord God have mercy! I had not even opened my mouth when she opened her mouth ‘please I want to buy charcoal 2 cedis’. Charcoal here?, I quizzed myself. What kind of temptation be this? I was torn between telling her I don’t sell charcoal and asking to her to wait for me to go and buy her the charcoal from elsewhere myself. She is pretty and endowed at the right places with hairdo similar to what Ablavi would wear. Out of admiration, even my lazy dog, Akpan didn’t back upon seeing her. Kai kai kai! Eeeish! She is so endowed that ‘the devil could easily take the blame should the eyi happen’. I directed her to where she could get charcoal but in my confused state, I wrongly directed her to a church. I was home struggling with my ‘provoked’ groin. I swear, a man at ‘6.30’ could be healed on this occasion. When she left, I was praying for her to come back while at the same time combing my kitchen to see where I could possibly get charcoal to solve her problem; after all ‘man must die of something’. This one is too young to have HVI. If even she has and I get infected, I would have finished enjoying. If I go to jail because of this one, it is worth it! No problem! I don’t mind. eeiiii! Too many thoughts rushed through my mind in no particular order. Many of the thoughts were very ‘convincing’ especially the ones that would be sin but sweet

As fate would have it and Loo and behold, she went and came back to knock on my door again with the excuse that where I directed her to go is a church and they don’t sell charcoal there. Eeeeeeeeeiiii! One thing struck me: ‘ask of her age and where she attends school’. I was expecting to hear 22 and in level 250 in the university but she said she is in JHS 2 in some asurisuri kontonmire montesori school and that they had just returned home on vacation. I couldn’t believe it when she told me she was 13 years of age! Big girl like you, 13? I exclaimed and she just smiled with some sleepy looking eyes, surprised at my ‘shock’! Heeeeeyi! Gborgborvon!

She was more relaxed this time round as the time was approaching 11am and my vicinity was dead quiet. I started changing my mind as this can give me a problem that would take me my whole life to solve. At this point, my groin was yet to recover. I wanted to go to my washroom and ….hmmm! Why are you looking at me as if I was going to toilet? I said washroom whether I am going to wash or not, just take it as a washroom. But this girl was still standing there smiling at me. What made me ‘cast her out’ immediately was the fact that she made a request: ‘Onco, please can I watch TV in your room as our pre-paid is finished and my parents are not back from work’. Hai! My brother, it took the divine grace of God and a heavy dose of self-control to get out of this potential trouble last week Thursday o. The small-big girls are back from school and can easily be mistaken for big Mamas. Remember there is a difference between a small rat and a big mouse o! If you have a ‘problem’, go to town er and be saying hello to the other mature ‘available’ girls er. Be careful o, yoo! Look at you, always believing in true lies! Hahaaaaaaa!

Salaries were paid last week and I still have money in my pocket; this weekend, I go booze rof!

I wish my ‘useless’ friend Mawuli Zogbenu a happy weekend, wherever you may be going! God be with you even when you are doing bad! Hahaaaa