Useless Column: Auntie Gifty Divorced?

July 14, 2017
Source: thebftonline l Ghana
Useless Column: Auntie Gifty Divorced?


There is this small boy in my neighbourhood who has been washing my car every Saturday. Every time he did, I gave him money. Last Saturday after washing the car, I only took the car key from him and didn’t give him money. In less than 5 minutes, he came to pass in front of my house and greeted ‘Bra Mawuli, good morning’ and I responded. In another 10 minutes, he came back again greeting ‘Bra Mawuli, I say good morning’. I really didn’t get it; why I should be greeted many times in the morning. Until the 4th time, I didn’t realize the guy was doing ‘debt recovery; he wanted his money’! Hmmm! Today’s youth; they are not ready to do anything for free!

Two weeks to the wedding, I needed to do rehearsals of how to carry my wife-to-be if asked to show her appreciation. I like the way the Methodists do theirs. It really feels awful when I see couples kiss in other churches upon instruction from the pastors that ‘you may kiss the bride’. The Methodist pastors would ask you to ‘appreciate’ the woman, in any decent way before the congregation. So I chose to carry my wife and swing her rather than kiss her in public. The secret is that my set of teeth are not properly arranged in my mouth so anytime I want to kiss her, my dracula teeth scare her! Kakai!

During the rehearsals in our room two weeks to the wedding was when I got to know that there were rats in my room. My woman is heavy not fat even though the latter is the case; just being diplomatic. When I lifted her under some difficult conditions, she asked me to swing her in my arms since that was what I was going to do in the church on our wedding day. She was heavier than me. The moment I tried to swing her, both of us were on the ground gbram! We first fell in the wardrobe where the rats in the wardrobe started fleeing for their dear lives. Some pass here, some pass there. My heavy ‘problem’ attempted to run too and found herself scattering soups! I panted so heavily after this useless exercise. Hmmm!

My first day of marriage, my bride used a fully airconditioned 4x4. I used my alatsa kamkpe as the car for myself, the groom. The AC was not functioning. The sun was hot. I had to pretend it was fully nyanya. Paul, my driver friend drove me. I was sitting at the back and asked Paul to roll the glass up so that people would think there was an AC in the car. The heat nearly killed me and the driver. We were sweating profusely and suffocating to death. Paul begged me to roll the glass down so we could have fresh air; I disagreed with him. Let’s go. Paul’s asthma came and his inhaler was nowhere to be found. By the time we got to the St John’s Assembly at Tantra Hills, Paul fainted! The rest is history!

I will now let you know how sweet my 100 days of marriage lasted. The honeymoon was a make-believe. We had celebrated it many times before the D-day! Between the 1st and tenth days, she would address me, ‘My dear husband what would you eat?’ The response was usually a very calm and soothing one. ‘Me dorfo pa, m3di workple and ad3m3 soup’. You can be sure you would have this meal in 15 minutes.

11th-20th days – she would come to me ‘you have spent too much on the eye phone when we have rent to renew. Please be modest o. Return the phone for a much cheaper one’.

21-30th – ‘my salary is delaying this month so please expect my uncle here to give you money to see your how far ok.

31-40th – Honey, I bought you some singlets and boxer shorts. Please come and try them for me to see.

41-50th – gas is getting finished and we are in the middle of the month but I am sure we can make do with charcoal. No problem, I will say.

Anyway from the 51-60th days of marriage– Can my brother’s daughter come and spend some two weeks with us on holidays?

No comment.

61-70th – My auntie is attending a funeral at Kasoa and I want her to come and spend the night here and proceed the following day. Can you get an additional mattress for her?

Still, no cement!

71-100 – that is when you realize that the sweetness in chewing gum doesn’t last forever. You talk, she talks and the dog backs! If you are the extremely fertile type and have already made her pregnant by this time, expect to be climbing coconut trees in the night to satisfy her thirst for only that. In my own case, her pregnancy made her feel like eating cow dung or sitting next to a public toilet where the smell was very strong and be chewing sugar cane along. Pregnancy with its attendant problems can add to the marital wahala. The remote control could be right on her laps and she would ask you to pick it for her. Eiiiiii!

Wife now says ‘I want galax10 and m budget is GHC80 and I am sure it would be ok’. Where on earth would you get a galaxy7 at GHC80? All in the name of taking custody of someone’s daughter! Hmmm!

My brother m sister, if you are contemplating divorce bcos your wife has done A, B, C or your husband has not done X,Y,Z, please don’t o. Try and manage. You think it is easy? It is the same way the women are also managing our weaknesses like that. It is not going to be easy to keep tolerating the same dislikes all the time but how for do! I beg you, manage her and him like that wai bcos you have no idea how her or his replacement would be like! Sometimes it is very easy to justify why you take a certain marital decision based on logic that would work against you, yourself! If in doubt see how stepchildren are generally treated! You go shock! Hmmmm!

For me, one of the biggest problems in marriage is PRIDE from either party. I am feeling for the ‘thing’ but bcos there is a cold war between us, I am unable to say it bcos of pride. She does the same. Bcos, you’ve had the normal marital fight with each other the previous night, she refuses to call when she is hit by a malaria. Some spouses would prefer to die rather than call the attention of their other half especially when there is cold war. Why? Pride! ‘You have M.Phil and I have same or even higher so what is the big deal? After all, I can do without you’. That is the beginning of a major disaster in marriage.

Every man must marry to end that continuous freedom and happiness. No be so? Hahaaaaaa!

My mother’s young cousin, Auntie Gifty lost her marriage 4 years ago just bcos after a small argument with her husband, she changed her wassap status to read: ‘I came into this world alone and will die alone and so don’t need you to survive’.

Relax, why didn’t you marry your ‘independence’, plenty degrees and your high salaries and stop giving somebody’s son or daughter heartache? Ah! And to the men who were supported by their wives when you were unemployed, please don’t cheat on your wives o; it can lead to divorce but women, when we cheat on you, no big deal ok. That is normal wai. You should understand and forgive us bcos when you divorce us bcos of cheating and marry another man, he will also cheat on you, 99.98% guaranteed! The 00.02 left is me and one other man reading this! Ajeeeeiiii! Chill out with your wife alone (sometimes) or husband alone (always), not the one million friends on ‘what is up’ and phasebook! Gbegblevi!

By the way, what is cheating?